it's just...

AUGHghghghghghhhhhh!

that is all...

Hugs...

I'm not a person that usually seeks out human affection. I respect the personal bubble. If I trust you, I'll share a bit of my struggles from time to time...but for the most part I'm a fan of depending on myself. Lately, I've been a bit trapped & lost...and I have to say last night was a rough night for my soul.
but today...today i just have to share how much i love when God just forces you into a hug...just to let you know, "I'm here & i love you...stop fighting me." One of those hugs someone has to force on you while you're crying & fighting because you're so angry, and hurt, and lost...to the point you just can't see straight. you can't see the way...but God-hugs...they give you strength...He's not telling you He'll fix everything, He's just telling you, "I'm here, use Me; us My strength. I'm here." and i can collapse into Him, into my faith & love for Him...i can cry. i can release these soul cleansing tears & just be. even if for just a moment. and at that moment i am reassured I'm not alone. i am reassured that He's watching & guiding me to that place He needs me to be. it's refreshing & relieving. I love God-hugs & I'm so glad He knows when i so desperately need them.

trapped...

i'm stuck. in a rut that my spinning tires only keep making deeper. i'm frustrated with life, work, church. i mean i couldn't be happier with my Man-With-The-Holy-Bicep. He's amazing & never failing & always, ALWAYS there for me, no question. but lately i've been having a lot of trouble with lining myself up with people. i have some pretty strong views, opinions, and education when it comes to God, traditions, and beliefs. the more research i do the more secure i become in what God is teaching me. i know God is constantly teaching me things...sometimes it's really amazing lessons that are fun to learn...but other times i'm not such a fan of His teaching methods until i'm well out of His learning curve.
i get really frustrated when i can't learn. and lately i've felt really stifled by my current church. and i don't really know what to do about it. there are some people that really frustrate me. from their ridiculous need to fit in; no matter who they have to belittle in the process to others refusal to respect my personal bubble. i just feel so suffocated, so smothered as of late...and i'm stuck because i don't know how to deal with this...how to get past it. how to removed the focus from my frustrations & transfer that focus back to the J-Man. i mean i KNOW i've dealt with this lesson before. when i was doing missions in Tahoe i got so caught up in trying to serve our supervisors that i lost track of serving God. He finally smacked the back of my head hard enough that He caught my attention...but right now i'm just lost. lost & trapped. i'm having a hard time trying to distance myself from the people that are twisting Christianity to suite their twisted truisms & it's making it really hard for me to allow myself to be aligned with them...to let people think i believe and/or support any of what their saying.

i don't know...this is just a ramble....i just feel so lost...so trapped...and i'm just searching for the buoy to latch onto so i can stop treading water in this storm & start seeing the hope...

Therapeutic...

You know how certain songs can so sharply bring back a memory, a feeling, or even a scent? So violently snatching you from the present & taking you down a road to memories you thought you'd forgotten? The musical passage that lulls you into feelings you've disregarded for so long...that's what music does for me. Really, ask anyone, my most prized possession is not my car, or house, not a piece of jewelry...it's music. My collection of memories both good and bad...my therapy for life. My life is lived out through music. One can see where I've been, what i felt, what I've gone through...within my collection of records.
sometimes, like today i just like to reminisce...
today's soundtrack...

No Other Way - Jack Johnson
Funny the Way It Is - DMB
Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay
Real - Plumb
Birds - Kate Nash
Acoustic #10 - Goo Goo Dolls
Open Road Song - Eve 6
You Could Be Happy - Snow Patrol
Make This Go On Forever - Snow Patrol
Set the Fire to the Third Bar - Snow Patrol
Faith Enough - Jars of Clay
Catalyst - Anna Nalick
Much - Ten Shekel Shirt
Life Less Ordinary - Carbon Leaf
Round Here - Counting Crows
Your Winter - Sister Hazel
Jealous Kind - Jars of Clay
Ready for a Fall - PJ Olsson
Losing Grip - Avril Lavigne
The Road I'm On - 3 Doors Down
The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson
Do You Remember - Jack Johnson
Young Pilgrims - The Shins
Hundred - The Fray
When You Come Back Down - Nickel Creek
House of Memories - Ten Shekel Shirt

heartbreak...

have you ever experienced something that cut you to the core? something that hurt so much it reduced you to nothing but a pile of sobbing tears? well i have recently. and while it is not the first time in my life...this one may just qualify as the most painful. the thing is i'm not really sure how to handle this whole thing, how to sort out my emotions, and how to move past it. i think the hardest part is that i can't exactly talk about it with anyone...and for once i really feel i need to. i feel as if i'm kind of flailing about right now...i guess i'm just asking for some serious prayer for this situation. i know you don't have a lot to go on as far as that prayer request is concerned...but if you could just pray for peace & solution i would totally appreciate it...

Starving...

Recently i had an epiphany...not just a tiny little light bulb epiphany, this was more like a tornado warning siren. the grab-a-pillow-and-head-for-cover type epiphany. i've been taking small steps toward stupid. i've been starving and didn't realize it. starving...not so literal in the i-haven't-enough-to-eat context because, hello, i think i'd realize that a lot quicker. no, no, i've been starving spiritually. i let this happen, and because it was just a little at a time i didn't even know it until recently. i can't tell you how long it's been since i have looked forward to church. i had allowed myself to become content in the monatany of church "just because". i've accepted ignorance & slowly ignored things that i know aren't right. i've begun to just go to church. right now church just feels like a place to sit on sunday...this bothers me, i've never felt this way about church! i know i'm called to be INVOLVED. i know this, this is when God teaches me the most things. i guees i've been lucky that i've always attended a church i can give to as well as learn from. a church, no matter how cliche this will sound, that provided a family. a church that is focused on ministry, missions, & really discipling.
lately though i have felt severly alienated from church...which has only led me to let myself become alienated from God as well. and i gotta tell ya, that's a sucky feeling! i'm at one of the first churches that the more i try to involve myself the less welcome & less useful i feel.
so i'm sure you're asking what brought this mind boggling starvation epiphany on? what finally made me aware of how far off track i'd gotten...well, i'll tell you; i started listening to this guy and his podcast. he's like 29 and a pastor at this amazing church in montgomery, AL.
my sis-in-law was actually the one that "introduced" me to these sermons...and i must admit i was a little hesitant to just sit and listen to a preacher preach...but DUDE! this guy is so in love with God it's ridiculous. his sermons are so full of scripture and gut wrenching truth. i mean i listened to all of two pod casts and i was hooked! he had me thirsty for more...thirsty to research the verses he used. and, for once, not because said scripture was twisted to support some obsure southern baptsist truism. i was moved! i was enthralled! i was totally loving the Bible again! I'm eager to "go to church" again...albeit, podcast church. i only wish i were close enough to attend The Church at Brookhills. Or at least could find a church near by with the same love, vigor, & dedication to God & growing disciples. A new and reviving thirst is back. i'm excited to see what God has down this path for me! i'm motivated & refreshed again! i'm eager to see what path & purpose God is going to direct me to now...

so i know i'm not the only one struggling. i know i have a few friends that have met a stagnant in thier spiritual life and it's you guys that i really want to encourage. download just 2 or 3 of these podcasts & if your world isn't rocked, then i'm...well i'll be at a loss for words!

here are a few suggestions:

Free as Sons - 12/21/08
Adoption: The Heart of the Easter Story - 4/8/07
Baptism: Identification With the New Covenant - 3/22/09
Baptism: More Than Just a Symbol - 8/6/06
The Gospel & Womanhood - 5/11/08
The Gospel & Manhood - 6/15/08

You're Not Hardcore, Unless You Act Hardcore...

So I realize that I totally owe a blog to my birthday, and I promise I'm getting there, but since the birthday celebrations haven't come to an end quite yet (it's still June, people!) I'm holding off on that blog. Teaser: Husband was did an AMAZING job! Lot's of surprises involved!

Now...onto being hardcore, or at least attempting it.
After a long & amazing weekend Husband & I finally made it home. Don't you worry we didn't have any plans to stay sedentary just because we were home, oh no! We had been invited by the Bro & Sis-in-law to go try out a mountain bike trail here in town! Whoo hoo! Right? Oh, yeah!

Bro & Sis-in-law were bringing their lovelies down to the In-Law Hizzy for safe keeping during their upcoming Youth Trip Vaca. Husband & I decided we'd leave our fuzzy bundle of joy, Georgia, with the pack while we rode the trail. We got this new fandangled leash for Georgia...it's a harness for the person so that if running or biking, your hands are free, but your dog is still contained, awesome, right? Decided to test out this new leash as we rode our bikes to the In-Laws (out meet up place). It was awesome, Georgia was doing great! She was loving being able to run by my side, greatness. That is until (for those of you that have seen "UP"), "Squirrel!"
Yup, that's right, Georgia took off across my bike path. Like a nanosecond after this decision she looked up at my bike barreling straight towards her and her face said it all, "SHIT! What the crap did I just do, and WHY?!?" There was no stopping; I tried, to no avail. Ran over the poor dog, flew off my bike, and yes: slid across the pavement! Don't worry, I had a helmet on & Georgia was totally ok...not even a limp! Dumb dog! So I pass the dog off to Husband and work on getting my bike to the In-Law's house. The handlebars were turned and the chain had come off so I got to walk it the rest of the way. That is after being made fun of by an eighty-two year old man who was taking his daily walk.
Here's what my hand looked like after that little spill:

Anyway, we got my bike fixed up & all our bikes loaded, and we were off! Bro & Sis-In-Law informed us their friends would be joining us. The more the merrier, right? You would think so, and we did, despite the fact that these very friends are superb Andventure Race participants. That means this chick is REALLY going to be put to shame...but this couple is super awesome & totally encouraging so off we go! Before the others got there the four of us (Bro & Sis-in-law, Husband, and I) rode a few laps on the Blue/Red Trails aka the Bunny Slopes. It was AWESOME! Not overly technical but SO pretty! Who knew this existed in the Red Stick?!? Easy breezy aside from the slight run in my bike handles had with Sis-in-law's rear end. (it was totally her fault...she took a detour off the trail & my breaks just didn't go into effect quickly enough...see her fault?)
So the Adventure Racers show up, we do the Blue/Red Trail one more time then get bold and do a Red Trail! Woot, Woot! Moving up! This trail wasn't too bad, a little more technical, but nothing major. Then it happens...Adventure Racer Husband strokes our egos telling us how awesome we're doing and encourages us to take on another branch of the Red Trail. I must say this was pretty awesome! I mean we were biking crazy curves, then uphill, then the insane (for me, the beginner) down hills!

Adrenaline pumping, we took more & more branches of the Red Trail and soon I totally knew why I should have stayed on the bunny trail! There was this one ravine that wasn't even that bad...just stay hard right. Well my wheel decided to get snatched by a rut to the left and BAM! I was flying through the air over my handle bars for the second time that day! The bad part, I was totally bringing up the rear, and the plummet knocked the breath out of me while tearing up what was remained of my left palm, scrapped up my elbow, and yes, added more bruises. But I couldn't call ahead to let anyone know I'd fallen because I couldn't BREATH. Husband was good though & circled back when he didn't see me behind him any longer. We caught up with the group (by caught up I mean the Adventure Racer Wife circled back to tell us which way to turn on the next 2 paths). Well, that's the last we saw of human life for a while...as the sun began it's decent the other guys found us, and were all, "Whew, the four of you?"...Husband and I were all, "Uh, the two of us..." So Bro-in-law told us to follow him & Adventure Racer Husband took off to find the other ladies (who somehow made it around the lake!) Obviously we all made it back to the car & we were all so stoked at the fun we had! Here are my battle wounds:

Anyway, I washed out as much gravel & dirt as I could...and I already had a doctors appointment for Tuesday so I had them take a look at my battle wounds and they removed the few pieces of gravel I hadn't, shot me up with some Tetanus anti-bodies, and wrapped me up to look like this awesomeness: