Sometimes God Reminds Me...

Sometimes, God reminds me it's not about me. my last post was intense, it was raw, and unfortunately it was real. i realize that all the people in my life aren't or weren't aware of many of those things until that post. i put it out there, selfishly, i needed to be free. even more selfishly though, there are very few people i could go in depth with to describe, explain, relive those experiences with.  i was humbled by the outreach i received from that post. of the love & support bestowed upon me by those i love...even those i haven't had the privilege to meet yet.
a first time visitor to my blog (Mandy) read it and used it. she was impacted because God chose to give me the life He did, the experiences that triggered that blog. she saw that i was using my blog, my random confessions as a form of catharsis. she took that back to her blog (this is why i love the blogosphere!) and she opened her comments section to anonymous confessions by asking readers to finish this sentence: "What if I told you....". if i'm honest with you, my first thoughts were incredibly conceited. i was a little excited that someone, and someone with a larger blog, chose my words to use and to take further. that vanity lasted only a few short moments, because then i began to read. and i began to cry. comments were pouring in, and they were heartbreaking. i don't think anyone involved expected the magnitude of confessions that ensued. but they were honest, and they were raw. and somewhere hopefully God was being let in to heal these weary souls. if you are a person that believes in prayer & healing, i urge you to pray for these people. if you're emotionally capable i ask you to visit Mandy's blog & read through the comments to pray specifically for each broken heart that has opened up these last few days and i ask you to do so judgment free.
if you are one of the people that needs an anonymous place to reveal a burden, i would greatly suggest using Mandy's open call for anonymity. it's cathartic, it's a sigh of relief, it's a place to see you're not alone.
because of so many things i went through as a child i had some serious issues growing up. one of those issues was depression. but so many people didn't know about so many parts of my life that they never understood why i was depressed, they didn't understand what was going on. the worst thing i ever heard...and i heard it *a lot* was, "there are people worse off than you". yup, it still makes me feel like crap. it is true that there are people out there going through things worse than myself...however, *they* didn't even know what i was going through at the time. all i needed was somewhere safe to let it all out. i never had that place...i was never allowed to be transparent. but Mandy has offered an open call. a safe place to let things go if you need to, to make a confession you might not otherwise make. i encourage you to stop by MandyThompson and let it out, or stop by and pray.
sometimes, God reminds me that i went through these things, that my life was not easy, for a reason. because He wanted to use me. because He wanted to show me that even a screwed up kid like me had a purpose in this world. that someday my story could help someone else...if only i'd let Him.
thank you all for your support, prayers, & love.

What If I Told You...

What if I told you...
that i'm scared to be alone.
What if I told you...
I learned to use my sexuality as a tool for control.
What if I told you...
i grew up way too fast.
What if I told you...
my two best friends saved my life without even knowing it.
What if I told you....
i knew too much about sex too early.
What if I told you...
i used to hate Jesus.
What if I told you...
i never thought I'd live to be twenty-seven.
What if I told you...
i started cutting when i was five.
What if I told you...
sometimes i still want to.
What if I told you...
i hate personality tests.
What if I told you...
i always wished you cared more.
What if I told you...
i just wanted you to get along with each other.
What if I told you...
i didn't believe in marriage for years.
What if I told you...
your offhanded racist comments make me lose respect for you.
What if I told you...
those very comments make me fear my future children spending time with you.
What if I told you...
how much hate i used to have in my soul for his destruction on my family.
What if I told you...
i was always afraid i'd be the one to find her cold lifeless body.
What if I told you...
i wish he was still in jail.
What if I told you...
i still hate the men that destroyed me.
What if I told you...
there are some people i still can't forgive.
What if I told you...
church often makes me feel worthless or not good enough.
What if I told you...
music used to be my only escape.
What if I told you...
i used to pray that i would be turned into a mermaid.
What if I told you...
i thought it was my fault she was so unhappy.
What if I told you...
i'm glad he died.
What if I told you...
i was scared for my life, many times.
What if I told you...
how much showing weakness scares the hell out of me.
What if I told you...
i hated being "the white girl".
What if I told you...
i dread seeing him at my high school reunion.
What if I told you...
i still have nightmares about you.
What if I told you...
i'd love to be famous.
What if I told you...
i used to think i might kill him.
What if I told you...
i've lived with crazy. 
What if I told you...
i don't like country music.
What if I told you...
that smiling was, and sometimes still is, a registration of despair.
What if I told you...
laughter hid the pain.
What if I told you...
i used to hide money in my stereo just in case i had to run away with my siblings because of your lies.
What if I told you...
i hate DFCS with a passion.
What if I told you...
i used to have to carry a voice recorder in my back-pack due to his lies.
What if I told you...
i wish our relationship had been better.
What if I told you...
i still blame myself.
What if I told you...
i love hugs.
What if I told you...
silence petrifies me. 
What if I told you...
my life is full of secrets you may never know.
What if I told you...
i never want to be easy to figure out.


What if I told you...?

My Story...

I was a freshman in college. I didn’t know much, but I thought I knew everything. I thought was in love with a fool that would break my heart into a million pieces, on a million different occasions. For him, I would be that girl, the one that kept coming back for his lies & “love”. But on this day he was the furthest thing from my mind. It was September 11, 2001 and we had a soccer game in Atlanta, GA. I was going to get to see my family today, at least my mom, dad, & little brother.

Coach told us to meet at the rec center at 9:00 AM sharp…so I slept in and skipped my first class, it was excused, so why not? If you know me, I enjoy what little sleep I get, so of course I slept in till the last possible moment. I woke up, tossed on my warm up suite. It was black Adidas with white stripes up the sides, we used to joke we were mafia. I threw my gear in my bag & slung it over my shoulder. I walked the 3 minutes to the rec center. We had to be early. “Late is unacceptable, on time is late, early is on time,” every coaches rule.

I walked up to the rec center at 8:47 AM. Pickens, a player from the guys team met me on the street. “Games are canceled. Someone just bombed New York.”
I laughed at him. Like anyone would bomb New York. I realize that’s a pompous statement to make, but it seemed totally irrational at the time. In my lifetime we’d never had a battle on our soil and Pick wasn’t known for his seriousness. I brushed past him & waltzed into the rec center. Careless. Naive.

I stopped. The room was silent. Every eye in the room was turned to the tv in the upper right corner of the left wall. It was a tiny tv but you could see it. There was smoke everywhere. There was ash everywhere. My country was under attack. I stood in shock. We all watched as the second plane flew into the South Tower. My knees went weak, military friends & family raced through my mind. I watched as the smoke billowed and filled the screen. I listened to panic. I watched. Safe. I was safe on campus in a small town in South Carolina. I was standing, watching, as people were running panicked through streets of a city I loved. This was a city that captured my heart. And now, now my heart was wrenched, stuttering. We stood there as a team, united in shock, in fear, in unity. And we watched, and we listened. We listened to unsure reporters, to nine-one-one calls, we listened.

Obviously our game was canceled. No one knew for sure if everything was over. No one knew what the next target could be.

At 9:37 AM the news only got worse. They announced another crash. It was the pentagon. This was a city I knew. A place I’d been a thousand times. I’d spent countless summers exploring the glories of D.C. My uncle was career military. He’d spent his life protecting this country. He’d been a high ranking official. He had been stationed in D.C. for years, we visited every summer during that time. He was only retired a few years. This was getting closer & closer to home. It went from my Country, to my City, to my Family.

My Family!

I called my mom. I was crying. Sobbing if I’m going to honest. The lines were busy. I tried again. Busy. We were all dialing now. We all had loved ones to check in with. We dialed & we watched. We were all stunned.

There was another crash. There was more confusion. More silence. More frantic dialing.

I got through to my family over an hour later. I cried to my mom. I held the phone as if it were the last and only connection to civilization. We watched tv all day. News cast after news cast. We prayed. We cried. We were silent. We were united. We held hands. We held each other. We prayed.

I grew up that day. And I grew up quickly. I didn’t learn everything I needed to know in those harrowing moments. But I learned fear. I learned to lean on others. There was a burden that day that I could never bear alone. That our country couldn’t bear alone. We prayed. The power of prayer & unity was overwhelming during the next few weeks. As life slowly returned to some form of normalcy. As New York stood up & refused to wallow. We looked on in hope for the rescues, as miracle stories happened, as we prayed.

I grew up. I didn’t immediately see the guy I thought I was in love with was never going to be any good for me. I didn’t automatically learn to cherish my family. I didn’t start at that moment, on that day, to value every lesson I learned. I did learn to notice the small things, to value family, to cling harder to dear friends. It would be a long time before normal would ever become normal again. Before little things were really seen as just little things….

Calling All Music Lovers...

so i'm not sure if this technically counts as a YOU:create creation...but music is such therapy to my soul & such an influence *in* my creations, i thought it only fair to include this concept as my (partial) creation this week...

My friend, Mattie, somehow missed, yet loved the idea of a CD swap awhile back. Where a  few of you, my friends,  put together CDs of your favorite tunes and swapped them (yes, some of you are still needing your copy, it's coming i promise :)  )!
She thought it was a great idea! So now she's opening up the swap party to even more people. Here's what will happen.

1. Sign up! Sign ups will last until Monday, September 20, 2010. If you are interested in the participating in the CD Swap, e-mail your name and mailing address to odelmavintage@gmail.com.
With the request of Mattie's boyfriend, if you are a guy and would like to be paired with another guy, just say so in the email. Or if you have any other special requests, just let us know! (if you've already swapped with me, Tricia, but would like to join *this* swap as well, feel free!!!)

2. Start thinking of your favorite songs to put on a CD!

3. Once the sign up period is closed, Mattie and I will send you an email with another participant's name and address.

4. Send your CD to the name and address provided!!

Simple, simple! Who doesn't love new music and receiving goodies in the mail?

Mattie made a few buttons to put on your blog to spread the word. The more people, the more music to be shared!









<center><a href="http://odelmavintage.blogspot.com/2010/09/calling-all-music-lovers.html" target="_blank"><img border="0" alt="Odelma Vintage Blog" src="http://i53.tinypic.com/4n9kz.jpg" /></a></center>


<center><a href="http://odelmavintage.blogspot.com/2010/09/calling-all-music-lovers.html" target="_blank"><img border="0" alt="Odelma Vintage Blog" src="http://i55.tinypic.com/ivcthj.jpg" /></a></center>


What do you guys think?? Let us know if you have any questions.
{p.s. yes, i'm fully aware that is a mixtape graphic and not a CD :) }