it's just...

AUGHghghghghghhhhhh!

that is all...

Hugs...

I'm not a person that usually seeks out human affection. I respect the personal bubble. If I trust you, I'll share a bit of my struggles from time to time...but for the most part I'm a fan of depending on myself. Lately, I've been a bit trapped & lost...and I have to say last night was a rough night for my soul.
but today...today i just have to share how much i love when God just forces you into a hug...just to let you know, "I'm here & i love you...stop fighting me." One of those hugs someone has to force on you while you're crying & fighting because you're so angry, and hurt, and lost...to the point you just can't see straight. you can't see the way...but God-hugs...they give you strength...He's not telling you He'll fix everything, He's just telling you, "I'm here, use Me; us My strength. I'm here." and i can collapse into Him, into my faith & love for Him...i can cry. i can release these soul cleansing tears & just be. even if for just a moment. and at that moment i am reassured I'm not alone. i am reassured that He's watching & guiding me to that place He needs me to be. it's refreshing & relieving. I love God-hugs & I'm so glad He knows when i so desperately need them.

trapped...

i'm stuck. in a rut that my spinning tires only keep making deeper. i'm frustrated with life, work, church. i mean i couldn't be happier with my Man-With-The-Holy-Bicep. He's amazing & never failing & always, ALWAYS there for me, no question. but lately i've been having a lot of trouble with lining myself up with people. i have some pretty strong views, opinions, and education when it comes to God, traditions, and beliefs. the more research i do the more secure i become in what God is teaching me. i know God is constantly teaching me things...sometimes it's really amazing lessons that are fun to learn...but other times i'm not such a fan of His teaching methods until i'm well out of His learning curve.
i get really frustrated when i can't learn. and lately i've felt really stifled by my current church. and i don't really know what to do about it. there are some people that really frustrate me. from their ridiculous need to fit in; no matter who they have to belittle in the process to others refusal to respect my personal bubble. i just feel so suffocated, so smothered as of late...and i'm stuck because i don't know how to deal with this...how to get past it. how to removed the focus from my frustrations & transfer that focus back to the J-Man. i mean i KNOW i've dealt with this lesson before. when i was doing missions in Tahoe i got so caught up in trying to serve our supervisors that i lost track of serving God. He finally smacked the back of my head hard enough that He caught my attention...but right now i'm just lost. lost & trapped. i'm having a hard time trying to distance myself from the people that are twisting Christianity to suite their twisted truisms & it's making it really hard for me to allow myself to be aligned with them...to let people think i believe and/or support any of what their saying.

i don't know...this is just a ramble....i just feel so lost...so trapped...and i'm just searching for the buoy to latch onto so i can stop treading water in this storm & start seeing the hope...