It's the little things, I tell my husband this all the time. Don't spend money on me...just tell me why you love me, or fold & put away the laundry, or bring home Starbucks (yes i know that's money, but not a lot). It's the smallest things in life, the laughter, that I love & cherish, that makes me feel whole...
So me & God we've been having some rough times these last few months. I'm struggling with getting my spiritual feet under me. And I don't like it one bit. I've been angry & hostile and hurt...and I don't really know how to communicate it to Him. Before you say it...I *know* He knows my heart & I don't need to physically communicate it to Him...but *I* need it. I need to feel loud and heard and expressed! Instead I feel lost, and misunderstood, and lonely.
and it sucks.
I realize that as we grow both physically & spiritually we sort of wean ourselves off of dependency...but if I were honest, even at 27, there are times when I just want my Mama to make me soup & take care of me when I'm sick. Yeah, you heard me, and I bet most of you have been there too. Well, I'm totally there with God. I just need a little Trix/God time and I just kind of felt abandoned by Him. Don't get me wrong He has totally proved himself over & Over & OVER again...so I don't really have grounds for feeling abandoned, but I still do.
This weekend we participated in a 2 mile race in LaPlace. It was a blast we had fun with friends & family. We enjoyed a park full of Christmas lights & after waiting two hours for dinner, enjoyed the best burger I've had in a long time. On our way home, the hubs realized his pockets did not contain his wallet. He got *really* upset. We called his brother & sister-in-law to check their swagger wagon just in case it fell out in there somewhere--no luck. The hubs was SO upset! (bear with me, this tangent will tie in in just a moment, i promise) I did my best to calm him down. I explained the credit cards hadn't been used. His license wouldn't be too bad to replace, etc. That's when he told me why he was really so upset...his wallet contained my Christmas present. My heart fell...not for me, I mean, he could give me a hug for Christmas & I'd be happy...but I know how much gift giving brings joy to HIM. And the fact that he already had my gift (he loves the thrill of last minute shopping) was touching. And my heart ached *because* his heart ached! My bro-&-sis-in-law are great. They searched for that wallet for two days with no luck.
I was so upset for the hubs, and I kept praying that I'd walk outside and the wallet would just be lying there in the open, somewhere we should have seen it but hadn't. no luck. I just kept praying, "God, PLEASE, can you just let me find the wallet, please?!" I was so frustrated that I was helpless. Not to mention the fact that I was humbled by begging the Big Man for such a minute thing when I've been so hurt & angry with Him on my own behalf. That day my sis-in-law came into town we had lunch & after lunch I asked her if she'd mind me going through the swagger wagon afterward "just to be sure". By this point I'd given up any hope of My-Man-With-The-Holy-Bicep making the wallet magically appear. I dejectedly looked in the back of the van...then got down for the final sweep and lo-and-behold!!!! I have never seen a more beautiful brown IN. MY. LIFE. There it was...his wallet...just chillin. Sitting there wedged between the seat & the wall THE WALLET! I was *so* excited to be able to tell the hubs I'd found his wallet!
Yeah, so, that was the little thing. The little thing God used to let me know He hasn't abandoned me. I can't say that I'm completely out of the funk, or that I'm magically not angry & frustrated with Him right anymore....but I know He's patiently waiting for me to connect the pieces & come back where I belong. I love that He knows me like that. I love that He molds me. It's the little things...
14 December 2010
15 November 2010
Sometimes...
Cut my skin and I bleed, just like anybody. And I want and I need, as much as anybody.
Sometimes I cry but doesn't everybody?
I have secrets, I have scars as deep as anybody. I have fears no one hears, but don't tell anybody.
Sometimes I lie, but doesn't everybody? Sometimes, doesn't everybody?
I know that sometimes I end up running wild! Fearless like a little child, but tell me, doesn't everybody?
Sometimes. Doesn't everybody? Sometimes...
Well I stumble and I fall, just like everybody. Try to walk before I crawl, but doesn't everybody? Wish I could fly, but doesn't everybody? Sometimes. Doesn't everybody...?
I know that sometimes I end up running wild, I feel just like a little child but tell me, doesn't everybody, sometimes...? Sometimes...
Sometimes I cry but doesn't everybody?
I have secrets, I have scars as deep as anybody. I have fears no one hears, but don't tell anybody.
Sometimes I lie, but doesn't everybody? Sometimes, doesn't everybody?
I know that sometimes I end up running wild! Fearless like a little child, but tell me, doesn't everybody?
Sometimes. Doesn't everybody? Sometimes...
Well I stumble and I fall, just like everybody. Try to walk before I crawl, but doesn't everybody? Wish I could fly, but doesn't everybody? Sometimes. Doesn't everybody...?
I know that sometimes I end up running wild, I feel just like a little child but tell me, doesn't everybody, sometimes...? Sometimes...
Melanie Horsnell - Sometimes
candid...
Dear God,
so i'm a little pissed right now. at least frustrated! i have these things i want in my life...things i *know* You've placed on my heart. but it all seems so very out of reach--for me. everyone else? they're getting all the things my little heart longs for. and right now i'm just broken. i don't really know how i can express these feelings verbally, but i know You know. i'm angry & i'm tired of pretending i'm not. i wish You were physically *here* so i could yell at You & then listen to You tell me just how dumb i'm being. in the meantime i feel as though i'm just lost here doing my best to keep my head above the waves, but i'm getting tired...so very tired.
You know what i long for. i'm trusting that Your plan *will* work out & i'll see (once again) that Your plan was in motion all along.
can i also ask You, while i'm just rambling here, to help us find a church home? i'm a little burnt out on that whole situation. i've just been really disappointed with churches & people here so far. i feel like we can *go* to church but we can't *participate* in church & You know that's not my game. i need to be a part, to be active. gah!!! it's all so frustrating!!! and i don't feel that i can talk to anyone about it. i don't need their opinion, i just need to vent & be done. so You get the earful, which is probably better anyway, since REALLY it's Your opinion & Your help i'm trying to seek out here.
i'm a little burned out right now. and i don't feel like putting the effort out. i'm tired. i feel like i've lost me in being who they needed me to be...and it hurts. a lot.
maybe you could just shake up our life a bit? move us across the world? to live in a hut somewhere? i'd be down with that. at least just move us from here? please? i need to be able to breathe again. i need to feel You & I are close again, besties. so i'm telling You now...from this point on, i'm going to focus on focusing again. and i'm looking forward to one of those God-hugs You like to surround me with!
thanks,
trix
so i'm a little pissed right now. at least frustrated! i have these things i want in my life...things i *know* You've placed on my heart. but it all seems so very out of reach--for me. everyone else? they're getting all the things my little heart longs for. and right now i'm just broken. i don't really know how i can express these feelings verbally, but i know You know. i'm angry & i'm tired of pretending i'm not. i wish You were physically *here* so i could yell at You & then listen to You tell me just how dumb i'm being. in the meantime i feel as though i'm just lost here doing my best to keep my head above the waves, but i'm getting tired...so very tired.
You know what i long for. i'm trusting that Your plan *will* work out & i'll see (once again) that Your plan was in motion all along.
can i also ask You, while i'm just rambling here, to help us find a church home? i'm a little burnt out on that whole situation. i've just been really disappointed with churches & people here so far. i feel like we can *go* to church but we can't *participate* in church & You know that's not my game. i need to be a part, to be active. gah!!! it's all so frustrating!!! and i don't feel that i can talk to anyone about it. i don't need their opinion, i just need to vent & be done. so You get the earful, which is probably better anyway, since REALLY it's Your opinion & Your help i'm trying to seek out here.
i'm a little burned out right now. and i don't feel like putting the effort out. i'm tired. i feel like i've lost me in being who they needed me to be...and it hurts. a lot.
maybe you could just shake up our life a bit? move us across the world? to live in a hut somewhere? i'd be down with that. at least just move us from here? please? i need to be able to breathe again. i need to feel You & I are close again, besties. so i'm telling You now...from this point on, i'm going to focus on focusing again. and i'm looking forward to one of those God-hugs You like to surround me with!
thanks,
trix
16 October 2010
There's A Life Outside Of This Madness...
there's somthing about live music that just touches my soul...it opens me up & frees me. it always has. music has always been an escape from the world for me. the downside that sometimes it makes me feel too safe.
tonight i discovered that the combination of live music and darkness is the perfect combination to get me to spill many of the secrets i keep. if i had put that together, say, fifteen years ago, i would have saved thousands of dollars in therapy! Turn on some good music, turn off the lights, & i'll spill my soul to you. great.
i went to the Balloon Festival in Natchez, MS with some very good friends of mine. they are great people. amazing really. always there when i need it, often when i don't even know i need it. but i still like to keep my secrets. sometimes it's because i don't feel i deserve to feel hurt, or angry, or much of anything really. but there's something about good music & the dark that just crumbles my walls of protection & i can't stop talking despite that voice screaming in the back of my head telling me i'm talking too much. the thing about the darkness is just how much it hides. you can't see the judgment on people's faces. you can't see pity in their eyes. i'm not saying that these friends i over shared with tonight experienced either of those things...but that's what i fear regardless. and now i feel overly exposed. naked. and i don't really know what to do about it. how do you look a friend in the eye after they've accidentally seen you naked? how do you look them in the eye & talk to them as if they have never seen your most intimate thoughts & feelings? how do you...?
tonight i discovered that the combination of live music and darkness is the perfect combination to get me to spill many of the secrets i keep. if i had put that together, say, fifteen years ago, i would have saved thousands of dollars in therapy! Turn on some good music, turn off the lights, & i'll spill my soul to you. great.
i went to the Balloon Festival in Natchez, MS with some very good friends of mine. they are great people. amazing really. always there when i need it, often when i don't even know i need it. but i still like to keep my secrets. sometimes it's because i don't feel i deserve to feel hurt, or angry, or much of anything really. but there's something about good music & the dark that just crumbles my walls of protection & i can't stop talking despite that voice screaming in the back of my head telling me i'm talking too much. the thing about the darkness is just how much it hides. you can't see the judgment on people's faces. you can't see pity in their eyes. i'm not saying that these friends i over shared with tonight experienced either of those things...but that's what i fear regardless. and now i feel overly exposed. naked. and i don't really know what to do about it. how do you look a friend in the eye after they've accidentally seen you naked? how do you look them in the eye & talk to them as if they have never seen your most intimate thoughts & feelings? how do you...?
14 October 2010
never gonna happen...
if i were to be honest i don't know how many of you have a person in your life, or more than one in some (my) cases, a person that destroyed who you were. that destroyed everything you had. shredded the tiny, tiny threads you clung to to keep your life from unfraying before your eyes. one of those people has somehow managed to try and weasel himself back into my life. it's not the first time. but everytime it's just as hard. i'm left feeling vulnerable, scared, & confused. i. hate. feeling. vulnerable.
i've spent my life fighting against being vulnerable. but this guy. this guy that ruined my life...he won't stop. everytime i think its safe he tracks down some form of contact & tells me we should talk. i don't *want* to talk. i don't *want* ANYTHING to do with him.
for...give...ness
it's been given because i *had* to forgive to move on. to repair my life. to repair my soul. but i will NEVER forget the damage he did. the pain & anguish that my entire family dealt with because of him. and i will not allow him back into my life. ever. again.
i've told him such. time. and time. and time. again.
he doesn't care. it's like he's getting off on torturing me at the very moment i feel safe. the instant i forget & put it all behind me. I. WANT. IT. TO. END. a thousand times over i want it to end! i'm so tired of this battle. of this recurring nightmare.
i just want it to be over...
i've spent my life fighting against being vulnerable. but this guy. this guy that ruined my life...he won't stop. everytime i think its safe he tracks down some form of contact & tells me we should talk. i don't *want* to talk. i don't *want* ANYTHING to do with him.
for...give...ness
it's been given because i *had* to forgive to move on. to repair my life. to repair my soul. but i will NEVER forget the damage he did. the pain & anguish that my entire family dealt with because of him. and i will not allow him back into my life. ever. again.
i've told him such. time. and time. and time. again.
he doesn't care. it's like he's getting off on torturing me at the very moment i feel safe. the instant i forget & put it all behind me. I. WANT. IT. TO. END. a thousand times over i want it to end! i'm so tired of this battle. of this recurring nightmare.
i just want it to be over...
14 September 2010
Sometimes God Reminds Me...
Sometimes, God reminds me it's not about me. my last post was intense, it was raw, and unfortunately it was real. i realize that all the people in my life aren't or weren't aware of many of those things until that post. i put it out there, selfishly, i needed to be free. even more selfishly though, there are very few people i could go in depth with to describe, explain, relive those experiences with. i was humbled by the outreach i received from that post. of the love & support bestowed upon me by those i love...even those i haven't had the privilege to meet yet.
a first time visitor to my blog (Mandy) read it and used it. she was impacted because God chose to give me the life He did, the experiences that triggered that blog. she saw that i was using my blog, my random confessions as a form of catharsis. she took that back to her blog (this is why i love the blogosphere!) and she opened her comments section to anonymous confessions by asking readers to finish this sentence: "What if I told you....". if i'm honest with you, my first thoughts were incredibly conceited. i was a little excited that someone, and someone with a larger blog, chose my words to use and to take further. that vanity lasted only a few short moments, because then i began to read. and i began to cry. comments were pouring in, and they were heartbreaking. i don't think anyone involved expected the magnitude of confessions that ensued. but they were honest, and they were raw. and somewhere hopefully God was being let in to heal these weary souls. if you are a person that believes in prayer & healing, i urge you to pray for these people. if you're emotionally capable i ask you to visit Mandy's blog & read through the comments to pray specifically for each broken heart that has opened up these last few days and i ask you to do so judgment free.
if you are one of the people that needs an anonymous place to reveal a burden, i would greatly suggest using Mandy's open call for anonymity. it's cathartic, it's a sigh of relief, it's a place to see you're not alone.
because of so many things i went through as a child i had some serious issues growing up. one of those issues was depression. but so many people didn't know about so many parts of my life that they never understood why i was depressed, they didn't understand what was going on. the worst thing i ever heard...and i heard it *a lot* was, "there are people worse off than you". yup, it still makes me feel like crap. it is true that there are people out there going through things worse than myself...however, *they* didn't even know what i was going through at the time. all i needed was somewhere safe to let it all out. i never had that place...i was never allowed to be transparent. but Mandy has offered an open call. a safe place to let things go if you need to, to make a confession you might not otherwise make. i encourage you to stop by MandyThompson and let it out, or stop by and pray.
sometimes, God reminds me that i went through these things, that my life was not easy, for a reason. because He wanted to use me. because He wanted to show me that even a screwed up kid like me had a purpose in this world. that someday my story could help someone else...if only i'd let Him.
thank you all for your support, prayers, & love.
a first time visitor to my blog (Mandy) read it and used it. she was impacted because God chose to give me the life He did, the experiences that triggered that blog. she saw that i was using my blog, my random confessions as a form of catharsis. she took that back to her blog (this is why i love the blogosphere!) and she opened her comments section to anonymous confessions by asking readers to finish this sentence: "What if I told you....". if i'm honest with you, my first thoughts were incredibly conceited. i was a little excited that someone, and someone with a larger blog, chose my words to use and to take further. that vanity lasted only a few short moments, because then i began to read. and i began to cry. comments were pouring in, and they were heartbreaking. i don't think anyone involved expected the magnitude of confessions that ensued. but they were honest, and they were raw. and somewhere hopefully God was being let in to heal these weary souls. if you are a person that believes in prayer & healing, i urge you to pray for these people. if you're emotionally capable i ask you to visit Mandy's blog & read through the comments to pray specifically for each broken heart that has opened up these last few days and i ask you to do so judgment free.
if you are one of the people that needs an anonymous place to reveal a burden, i would greatly suggest using Mandy's open call for anonymity. it's cathartic, it's a sigh of relief, it's a place to see you're not alone.
because of so many things i went through as a child i had some serious issues growing up. one of those issues was depression. but so many people didn't know about so many parts of my life that they never understood why i was depressed, they didn't understand what was going on. the worst thing i ever heard...and i heard it *a lot* was, "there are people worse off than you". yup, it still makes me feel like crap. it is true that there are people out there going through things worse than myself...however, *they* didn't even know what i was going through at the time. all i needed was somewhere safe to let it all out. i never had that place...i was never allowed to be transparent. but Mandy has offered an open call. a safe place to let things go if you need to, to make a confession you might not otherwise make. i encourage you to stop by MandyThompson and let it out, or stop by and pray.
sometimes, God reminds me that i went through these things, that my life was not easy, for a reason. because He wanted to use me. because He wanted to show me that even a screwed up kid like me had a purpose in this world. that someday my story could help someone else...if only i'd let Him.
thank you all for your support, prayers, & love.
12 September 2010
What If I Told You...
What if I told you...
that i'm scared to be alone.
What if I told you...
I learned to use my sexuality as a tool for control.
What if I told you...
i grew up way too fast.
What if I told you...
my two best friends saved my life without even knowing it.
What if I told you....
i knew too much about sex too early.
What if I told you...
i used to hate Jesus.
What if I told you...
i never thought I'd live to be twenty-seven.
What if I told you...
i started cutting when i was five.
What if I told you...
sometimes i still want to.
What if I told you...
i hate personality tests.
What if I told you...
i always wished you cared more.
What if I told you...
i just wanted you to get along with each other.
What if I told you...
i didn't believe in marriage for years.
What if I told you...
your offhanded racist comments make me lose respect for you.
What if I told you...
those very comments make me fear my future children spending time with you.
What if I told you...
how much hate i used to have in my soul for his destruction on my family.
What if I told you...
i was always afraid i'd be the one to find her cold lifeless body.
What if I told you...
i wish he was still in jail.
What if I told you...
i still hate the men that destroyed me.
What if I told you...
there are some people i still can't forgive.
What if I told you...
church often makes me feel worthless or not good enough.
What if I told you...
music used to be my only escape.
What if I told you...
i used to pray that i would be turned into a mermaid.
What if I told you...
i thought it was my fault she was so unhappy.
What if I told you...
i'm glad he died.
What if I told you...
i was scared for my life, many times.
What if I told you...
how much showing weakness scares the hell out of me.
What if I told you...
i hated being "the white girl".
What if I told you...
i dread seeing him at my high school reunion.
What if I told you...
i still have nightmares about you.
What if I told you...
i'd love to be famous.
What if I told you...
i used to think i might kill him.
What if I told you...
i've lived with crazy.
What if I told you...
i don't like country music.
What if I told you...
that smiling was, and sometimes still is, a registration of despair.
What if I told you...
laughter hid the pain.
What if I told you...
i used to hide money in my stereo just in case i had to run away with my siblings because of your lies.
What if I told you...
i hate DFCS with a passion.
What if I told you...
i used to have to carry a voice recorder in my back-pack due to his lies.
What if I told you...
i wish our relationship had been better.
What if I told you...
i still blame myself.
What if I told you...
i love hugs.
What if I told you...
silence petrifies me.
What if I told you...
my life is full of secrets you may never know.
What if I told you...
i never want to be easy to figure out.
What if I told you...?
that i'm scared to be alone.
What if I told you...
I learned to use my sexuality as a tool for control.
What if I told you...
i grew up way too fast.
What if I told you...
my two best friends saved my life without even knowing it.
What if I told you....
i knew too much about sex too early.
What if I told you...
i used to hate Jesus.
What if I told you...
i never thought I'd live to be twenty-seven.
What if I told you...
i started cutting when i was five.
What if I told you...
sometimes i still want to.
What if I told you...
i hate personality tests.
What if I told you...
i always wished you cared more.
What if I told you...
i just wanted you to get along with each other.
What if I told you...
i didn't believe in marriage for years.
What if I told you...
your offhanded racist comments make me lose respect for you.
What if I told you...
those very comments make me fear my future children spending time with you.
What if I told you...
how much hate i used to have in my soul for his destruction on my family.
What if I told you...
i was always afraid i'd be the one to find her cold lifeless body.
What if I told you...
i wish he was still in jail.
What if I told you...
i still hate the men that destroyed me.
What if I told you...
there are some people i still can't forgive.
What if I told you...
church often makes me feel worthless or not good enough.
What if I told you...
music used to be my only escape.
What if I told you...
i used to pray that i would be turned into a mermaid.
What if I told you...
i thought it was my fault she was so unhappy.
What if I told you...
i'm glad he died.
What if I told you...
i was scared for my life, many times.
What if I told you...
how much showing weakness scares the hell out of me.
What if I told you...
i hated being "the white girl".
What if I told you...
i dread seeing him at my high school reunion.
What if I told you...
i still have nightmares about you.
What if I told you...
i'd love to be famous.
What if I told you...
i used to think i might kill him.
What if I told you...
i've lived with crazy.
What if I told you...
i don't like country music.
What if I told you...
that smiling was, and sometimes still is, a registration of despair.
What if I told you...
laughter hid the pain.
What if I told you...
i used to hide money in my stereo just in case i had to run away with my siblings because of your lies.
What if I told you...
i hate DFCS with a passion.
What if I told you...
i used to have to carry a voice recorder in my back-pack due to his lies.
What if I told you...
i wish our relationship had been better.
What if I told you...
i still blame myself.
What if I told you...
i love hugs.
What if I told you...
silence petrifies me.
What if I told you...
my life is full of secrets you may never know.
What if I told you...
i never want to be easy to figure out.
What if I told you...?
11 September 2010
My Story...
I was a freshman in college. I didn’t know much, but I thought I knew everything. I thought was in love with a fool that would break my heart into a million pieces, on a million different occasions. For him, I would be that girl, the one that kept coming back for his lies & “love”. But on this day he was the furthest thing from my mind. It was September 11, 2001 and we had a soccer game in Atlanta, GA. I was going to get to see my family today, at least my mom, dad, & little brother.
Coach told us to meet at the rec center at 9:00 AM sharp…so I slept in and skipped my first class, it was excused, so why not? If you know me, I enjoy what little sleep I get, so of course I slept in till the last possible moment. I woke up, tossed on my warm up suite. It was black Adidas with white stripes up the sides, we used to joke we were mafia. I threw my gear in my bag & slung it over my shoulder. I walked the 3 minutes to the rec center. We had to be early. “Late is unacceptable, on time is late, early is on time,” every coaches rule.
I walked up to the rec center at 8:47 AM. Pickens, a player from the guys team met me on the street. “Games are canceled. Someone just bombed New York.”
I laughed at him. Like anyone would bomb New York. I realize that’s a pompous statement to make, but it seemed totally irrational at the time. In my lifetime we’d never had a battle on our soil and Pick wasn’t known for his seriousness. I brushed past him & waltzed into the rec center. Careless. Naive.
I stopped. The room was silent. Every eye in the room was turned to the tv in the upper right corner of the left wall. It was a tiny tv but you could see it. There was smoke everywhere. There was ash everywhere. My country was under attack. I stood in shock. We all watched as the second plane flew into the South Tower. My knees went weak, military friends & family raced through my mind. I watched as the smoke billowed and filled the screen. I listened to panic. I watched. Safe. I was safe on campus in a small town in South Carolina. I was standing, watching, as people were running panicked through streets of a city I loved. This was a city that captured my heart. And now, now my heart was wrenched, stuttering. We stood there as a team, united in shock, in fear, in unity. And we watched, and we listened. We listened to unsure reporters, to nine-one-one calls, we listened.
Obviously our game was canceled. No one knew for sure if everything was over. No one knew what the next target could be.
At 9:37 AM the news only got worse. They announced another crash. It was the pentagon. This was a city I knew. A place I’d been a thousand times. I’d spent countless summers exploring the glories of D.C. My uncle was career military. He’d spent his life protecting this country. He’d been a high ranking official. He had been stationed in D.C. for years, we visited every summer during that time. He was only retired a few years. This was getting closer & closer to home. It went from my Country, to my City, to my Family.
My Family!
I called my mom. I was crying. Sobbing if I’m going to honest. The lines were busy. I tried again. Busy. We were all dialing now. We all had loved ones to check in with. We dialed & we watched. We were all stunned.
There was another crash. There was more confusion. More silence. More frantic dialing.
I got through to my family over an hour later. I cried to my mom. I held the phone as if it were the last and only connection to civilization. We watched tv all day. News cast after news cast. We prayed. We cried. We were silent. We were united. We held hands. We held each other. We prayed.
I grew up that day. And I grew up quickly. I didn’t learn everything I needed to know in those harrowing moments. But I learned fear. I learned to lean on others. There was a burden that day that I could never bear alone. That our country couldn’t bear alone. We prayed. The power of prayer & unity was overwhelming during the next few weeks. As life slowly returned to some form of normalcy. As New York stood up & refused to wallow. We looked on in hope for the rescues, as miracle stories happened, as we prayed.
I grew up. I didn’t immediately see the guy I thought I was in love with was never going to be any good for me. I didn’t automatically learn to cherish my family. I didn’t start at that moment, on that day, to value every lesson I learned. I did learn to notice the small things, to value family, to cling harder to dear friends. It would be a long time before normal would ever become normal again. Before little things were really seen as just little things….
Coach told us to meet at the rec center at 9:00 AM sharp…so I slept in and skipped my first class, it was excused, so why not? If you know me, I enjoy what little sleep I get, so of course I slept in till the last possible moment. I woke up, tossed on my warm up suite. It was black Adidas with white stripes up the sides, we used to joke we were mafia. I threw my gear in my bag & slung it over my shoulder. I walked the 3 minutes to the rec center. We had to be early. “Late is unacceptable, on time is late, early is on time,” every coaches rule.
I walked up to the rec center at 8:47 AM. Pickens, a player from the guys team met me on the street. “Games are canceled. Someone just bombed New York.”
I laughed at him. Like anyone would bomb New York. I realize that’s a pompous statement to make, but it seemed totally irrational at the time. In my lifetime we’d never had a battle on our soil and Pick wasn’t known for his seriousness. I brushed past him & waltzed into the rec center. Careless. Naive.
I stopped. The room was silent. Every eye in the room was turned to the tv in the upper right corner of the left wall. It was a tiny tv but you could see it. There was smoke everywhere. There was ash everywhere. My country was under attack. I stood in shock. We all watched as the second plane flew into the South Tower. My knees went weak, military friends & family raced through my mind. I watched as the smoke billowed and filled the screen. I listened to panic. I watched. Safe. I was safe on campus in a small town in South Carolina. I was standing, watching, as people were running panicked through streets of a city I loved. This was a city that captured my heart. And now, now my heart was wrenched, stuttering. We stood there as a team, united in shock, in fear, in unity. And we watched, and we listened. We listened to unsure reporters, to nine-one-one calls, we listened.
Obviously our game was canceled. No one knew for sure if everything was over. No one knew what the next target could be.
At 9:37 AM the news only got worse. They announced another crash. It was the pentagon. This was a city I knew. A place I’d been a thousand times. I’d spent countless summers exploring the glories of D.C. My uncle was career military. He’d spent his life protecting this country. He’d been a high ranking official. He had been stationed in D.C. for years, we visited every summer during that time. He was only retired a few years. This was getting closer & closer to home. It went from my Country, to my City, to my Family.
My Family!
I called my mom. I was crying. Sobbing if I’m going to honest. The lines were busy. I tried again. Busy. We were all dialing now. We all had loved ones to check in with. We dialed & we watched. We were all stunned.
There was another crash. There was more confusion. More silence. More frantic dialing.
I got through to my family over an hour later. I cried to my mom. I held the phone as if it were the last and only connection to civilization. We watched tv all day. News cast after news cast. We prayed. We cried. We were silent. We were united. We held hands. We held each other. We prayed.
I grew up that day. And I grew up quickly. I didn’t learn everything I needed to know in those harrowing moments. But I learned fear. I learned to lean on others. There was a burden that day that I could never bear alone. That our country couldn’t bear alone. We prayed. The power of prayer & unity was overwhelming during the next few weeks. As life slowly returned to some form of normalcy. As New York stood up & refused to wallow. We looked on in hope for the rescues, as miracle stories happened, as we prayed.
I grew up. I didn’t immediately see the guy I thought I was in love with was never going to be any good for me. I didn’t automatically learn to cherish my family. I didn’t start at that moment, on that day, to value every lesson I learned. I did learn to notice the small things, to value family, to cling harder to dear friends. It would be a long time before normal would ever become normal again. Before little things were really seen as just little things….
06 September 2010
Calling All Music Lovers...
so i'm not sure if this technically counts as a YOU:create creation...but music is such therapy to my soul & such an influence *in* my creations, i thought it only fair to include this concept as my (partial) creation this week...
My friend, Mattie, somehow missed, yet loved the idea of a CD swap awhile back. Where a few of you, my friends, put together CDs of your favorite tunes and swapped them (yes, some of you are still needing your copy, it's coming i promise :) )!
She thought it was a great idea! So now she's opening up the swap party to even more people. Here's what will happen.
1. Sign up! Sign ups will last until Monday, September 20, 2010. If you are interested in the participating in the CD Swap, e-mail your name and mailing address to odelmavintage@gmail.com.
With the request of Mattie's boyfriend, if you are a guy and would like to be paired with another guy, just say so in the email. Or if you have any other special requests, just let us know! (if you've already swapped with me, Tricia, but would like to join *this* swap as well, feel free!!!)
2. Start thinking of your favorite songs to put on a CD!
3. Once the sign up period is closed, Mattie and I will send you an email with another participant's name and address.
4. Send your CD to the name and address provided!!
Simple, simple! Who doesn't love new music and receiving goodies in the mail?
Mattie made a few buttons to put on your blog to spread the word. The more people, the more music to be shared!
26 August 2010
More YOU:create creations...
so i've been playing around with watercolors lately, as i shared last week...but i have this vision i want to create & i'm not quite sure *how* to accomplish the look i'm aiming for. So i've been practicing various techniques on a smaller scale until i get it perfect for my largest canvas yet. this image started out as a train wreck. i can't even tell you how close it came to decorating the garbage can & never premiering for YOU:create but i just kept adding colors & features. then...i got truly inspired!
i made the camera with strips of newspaper, did a translucent grey wash, then added some shimmer & rock salt for the 'flash'...then layer it with a picture of one of my favorite nephews...
i was also lucky enough to find this word in the newspaper...so, i might have over done the shimmer...but that just proves why GOOD. LIGHTING. is imperative to good artwork:
then there is the self portrait i've been working on for years...taking a break from watercolor while delving back into the world of graphite & charcoal. still unfinished. shocking.
and those are my creations for this week! i'm really loving the inspiration that YOU:create provides for me! I've already started next weeks project...and while not watercolor related, it will be fun!!
19 August 2010
YOU::Create ...
My friend Sara has instituted this amazing concept You:Create on her blog...it's been going on for six weeks & i've been too intimidated to post anything but perusing everyone's crafts and creations definitely had me creating at home! so now here are all my creations at once...sorry, Sara ;)
This first one was actually inspired by my nephew, you can read more about him here . One of the nights I was lucky enough to babysit him we were using his bathtub crayons to practice shapes...he ended up scribbling this little pic (I had to edit it a bit to darken the image so it was easily visible):
Next up I was inspired by some of my favorite things...:
Then I moved onto a picture inspired by the BP Oilspill & a t-shirt I had seen in NOLA:
This one started out as a practice session of washes, I was experimenting with various shades of blue & how they would blend into each other:
Now that I had a little water color experience under my belt I moved onto some of my canvases. For this painting I used a variation of colors & washes, some iridescent coloring, & rock salt for texture:
Now this last one is possibly one for the a fore mentioned nephew...his mother asked for a non-girlie painting. However, we vary greatly on what we consider non-girlie, so I'll have to see what she thinks of this one:
Now, I just need to get inspired to get back to acrylics & finish a painting I have owed to our cousin Steph for about three years now...
12 July 2010
Saying Goodbye...
this has been a very difficult post to write, even more difficult to come to terms with. This past year or so i have had to come to some pretty disappointing realities about someone i not only loved, but probably put more faith/hope in than i should have. and now, i have to say...goodbye.
i recently went to see Toy Story 3 and i cried throughout the entire movie. not because this is a sad movie. not because it was a poorly made movie. i cried for the loss this movie brought to realization. you see Toy Story came out when this kid i'm talking about was around 3 years old. it quickly became his favorite movie. we watched that tape over, and over, and over. He would run around in his diapers, red cowboy boots, and his Buzz Lightyear toy telling you, "I love you to 'affinity' and beyond," at the top of his little lungs.
This little guy, while eight years younger than me, came to hold a very special place in my heart. He was a precious kid, innocent and kind. he fell in love with the preacher's daughter at 5 years of age...even though she was an older woman. he was cute & tender. often telling you how much he loved you, or quoting "Luke, I am your father" until you thought you'd die! he made up songs in his carseat, my all time favorite being "Butterfly" sung in his precious toddler voice. when i got my computer for college the first recording i did on it was him singing the "Faw-mer Anna Dell"...it played everytime my computer turned on. it was a precious piece of home, of hope, that was dear to me while i was away.
while i was in college this cute kid evolved...he stopped playing soccer & kind of just lost drive in general. until one day he discovered skateboarding. we all thought he'd finally found that "thing". and it lasted for awhile...but not long enough. soon his friends turned less and less...savory. his grades crashed. i did everything i could to give him purpose...something to hold onto. i bribed him into creating study habits...to actually apply his genius to school. i called him as often as i could. i let him use my cell phone so he could text his girlfriend before he had texting on his own phone.
and then he started changing...i didn't know why in the beginning, i just assumed it was the poison of the stagnant small town we grew up in. the sad part was he *became* the statistic of that small town. the guy that make bad decisions based on friends rather than his own intellect. he became a stranger. he started getting in trouble, a lot of trouble. he was stealing. he was lying, he was doing things he shouldn't. i wanted to believe him, i wanted to think the best. this was a kid i'd loved and mentored. i wanted desperately to believe he wasn't capable of making these terrible decisions. i needed to know that deep down he was still that innocent, precious, kid i'd watched grow up...
but then he made it painfully clear he wasn't. he got busted for drug use...and lied, again, that he'd learned a lesson. only days later making statements proving he wasn't sorry at all. he'd gone from being a leader in his youth group to posts bashing christians all together, claiming his hatred was for their hypocrisy & lack of acknowledging opinions that differ from theirs. all the while he was deleting any comments that didn't agree with him; ironic, eh? he'd lied. he lied to everyone. he lied to his family. he lied to the girl he claimed to love...
if anyone tried to call him out on his crap? he brushed them of, or, if they were lucky like me...he told them they were being a bitch.
that's when i realized, i'd lost the love i loved the most. the kid i loved had died a long time ago. there was nothing left of that boy anymore. something more sinister & cruel had taken hold of him & killed him. i had to mourn the loss of someone i cherished. i can only pray that someday i can celebrate in his return...rather than what i fear: that i'll end up mourning his actual death instead.
this kid i loved, he didn't grow up to be an Andy...instead he's grown up to be a Sid. now when i watch Toy Story, all three, i can't help but cry. i can't help but wonder what this kids life *could* have been. who he could have become. who he could have kept from hurting. but he doesn't even care anymore, about anyone that cares for him. he continues to put himself and those that love him in harms way....
and so i'm saying goodbye. the hardest goodbye of my life. goodbye to the guy i thought i knew. goodbye to the kid that had so much love & potential...he's long gone. i hate to think that my children will never meet this guy. they'll only ever hear stories of what he used to be. *who* he used to be. maybe things will change, but i'm not holding on to much hope for that anymore.
"who do you think you are?
running ’round leaving scars
collecting your jar of hearts
tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don’t come back for me
who do you think you are?"
Jar of Hearts, by Christina Perri
i recently went to see Toy Story 3 and i cried throughout the entire movie. not because this is a sad movie. not because it was a poorly made movie. i cried for the loss this movie brought to realization. you see Toy Story came out when this kid i'm talking about was around 3 years old. it quickly became his favorite movie. we watched that tape over, and over, and over. He would run around in his diapers, red cowboy boots, and his Buzz Lightyear toy telling you, "I love you to 'affinity' and beyond," at the top of his little lungs.
This little guy, while eight years younger than me, came to hold a very special place in my heart. He was a precious kid, innocent and kind. he fell in love with the preacher's daughter at 5 years of age...even though she was an older woman. he was cute & tender. often telling you how much he loved you, or quoting "Luke, I am your father" until you thought you'd die! he made up songs in his carseat, my all time favorite being "Butterfly" sung in his precious toddler voice. when i got my computer for college the first recording i did on it was him singing the "Faw-mer Anna Dell"...it played everytime my computer turned on. it was a precious piece of home, of hope, that was dear to me while i was away.
while i was in college this cute kid evolved...he stopped playing soccer & kind of just lost drive in general. until one day he discovered skateboarding. we all thought he'd finally found that "thing". and it lasted for awhile...but not long enough. soon his friends turned less and less...savory. his grades crashed. i did everything i could to give him purpose...something to hold onto. i bribed him into creating study habits...to actually apply his genius to school. i called him as often as i could. i let him use my cell phone so he could text his girlfriend before he had texting on his own phone.
and then he started changing...i didn't know why in the beginning, i just assumed it was the poison of the stagnant small town we grew up in. the sad part was he *became* the statistic of that small town. the guy that make bad decisions based on friends rather than his own intellect. he became a stranger. he started getting in trouble, a lot of trouble. he was stealing. he was lying, he was doing things he shouldn't. i wanted to believe him, i wanted to think the best. this was a kid i'd loved and mentored. i wanted desperately to believe he wasn't capable of making these terrible decisions. i needed to know that deep down he was still that innocent, precious, kid i'd watched grow up...
but then he made it painfully clear he wasn't. he got busted for drug use...and lied, again, that he'd learned a lesson. only days later making statements proving he wasn't sorry at all. he'd gone from being a leader in his youth group to posts bashing christians all together, claiming his hatred was for their hypocrisy & lack of acknowledging opinions that differ from theirs. all the while he was deleting any comments that didn't agree with him; ironic, eh? he'd lied. he lied to everyone. he lied to his family. he lied to the girl he claimed to love...
if anyone tried to call him out on his crap? he brushed them of, or, if they were lucky like me...he told them they were being a bitch.
that's when i realized, i'd lost the love i loved the most. the kid i loved had died a long time ago. there was nothing left of that boy anymore. something more sinister & cruel had taken hold of him & killed him. i had to mourn the loss of someone i cherished. i can only pray that someday i can celebrate in his return...rather than what i fear: that i'll end up mourning his actual death instead.
this kid i loved, he didn't grow up to be an Andy...instead he's grown up to be a Sid. now when i watch Toy Story, all three, i can't help but cry. i can't help but wonder what this kids life *could* have been. who he could have become. who he could have kept from hurting. but he doesn't even care anymore, about anyone that cares for him. he continues to put himself and those that love him in harms way....
and so i'm saying goodbye. the hardest goodbye of my life. goodbye to the guy i thought i knew. goodbye to the kid that had so much love & potential...he's long gone. i hate to think that my children will never meet this guy. they'll only ever hear stories of what he used to be. *who* he used to be. maybe things will change, but i'm not holding on to much hope for that anymore.
"who do you think you are?
running ’round leaving scars
collecting your jar of hearts
tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don’t come back for me
who do you think you are?"
Jar of Hearts, by Christina Perri
Goodbye, Kiddo...
01 July 2010
The Raney Fort...
Why? well, because it's ridiculously fun! and who doesn't love stepping back into the shoes & mindset of a younger you? as soon as i read the challenge, i accepted! then realized i needed to get my husband on board as well...and let me tell you that was just plan difficult--NOT!
unfortunately i'm not so awesome as most of my twitter friends and i don't own a mac...or a flip cam...so i did my best with still shots & a short camera shot video of our fort building & completion.
And now, as many of you have requested....(insert drum roll) The Raney Fort! Start to finish:
we collected all the blankets we could find. thanks to my mom's knitting & crocheting we had TONS to work with!
We knew we'd need light...so that's where our fort started:
Then, the hubs got right to work stringing up...well, string!
We did a little rearranging of our living room furniture...even got my old crutches put to use:
Of course we put ourselves to good use as clothes pin holders:
Employed our pets to help us out when needed:
The start...you can see we're watching Foodnetwork's "The Best Thing I Ever Ate":
Progress! We've now incorporated the tv!:
One of our guard animals:
The Raney Fort in all it's SEVENTEEN blanket glory!!:
Welcome inside the Raney Fort (note the tv & our "table"):
A better view, the tv, computer, & our wet bar...what DIDN'T make it into this photo was our mini-blender (aka the bullet) for our mixed drinks of course!:
Closer look at our drink selection, shaker, & ice/beer chest:
The first frozen mixed drink of the Raney Fort
2.5 oz Pineapple Vodka
3 large frozen strawberries
4 frozen chunks of pineapple
Top glass off with pineapple juice
Blend
Voiola:
Dinner in the Raney Fort...and yes, we're watching "Wipeout" World Cup edition!!!
And of course, if you build a fort you need a place to sleep & well...have conversations:
Our view from the bed...we had to add a little ventilation after our first night in the fort when we realized working BOTH air vents into the fort was very cozy at night...but left the rest of the room quite stifling!:
the backside of our fort (you know the way to the "in-house"):
our first day of leaving the fort up we got vandalized...our guard cat was very angry upon being duped:
The Hubs as he was rebuilding the fort that evening:
Figaro helped...since he *was* the jerk that sabotaged the fort that very day:
And our very poor quality video footage of the Raney Fort:
I'd be remiss if i didn't add the photo's of the mini fort i made with my favorite sister-in-law, Emily's son aka: my precious nephew!
Where he loved to have Nan read him stories:
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