when my heart aches...

i'm 99.9% sure that i'm incapable of birthing a child. and some days that just kills me. some of you may be shocked by this statement because you know i'm not exactly signing up to endure childbirth. and it doesn't drive me crazy for the reasons you may think. my feelings haven't changed about birthing. i know some people live for it, think it's the most awesome thing in the world, but i don't. to be honest it kinda grosses me out. God's been working on my heart since i was, oh, about five to adopt. it's a passion, it's *my* "most beautiful thing"...but sometimes i just...wish. it. were. easier.
i'm *so* ready. i'm ready to be a mom. i'm ready for the tiny feet pounding down the hallway to be running into *my* arms. i'm not divulging this information for you to feel sorry for me. i don't feel there is anything to feel sorry for. my life hasn't exactly been the one that traveled down the easy road. in my twenty-seven years i've endured some terrifying things...but i've never allowed myself to be defined by my trials, and i won't allow anyone else to do it either. i'm not a victim, i never have been.
it's just, sometimes, it want it to be easier (and yes, i realize that's the second time i've said that). but i know me, and i know God knows me. and He knows i'm the kinda person that has to have it the hard way so that i learn..so i'll appreciate the view from the top.
this doesn't mean i don't cry along the way. it doesn't mean that i don't wish i could just "accidentally adopt" like people accidentally get pregnant.
::sigh::
here's my plea. as my friends, and as my family, i need you to make an impossible promise. i need you to promise me you'll still be there. when my lifelong dream finally comes true & one day down the road we bring those precious little toddlers into our family, i need you to promise you'll still be there. i need you to promise you'll love them just as fiercely as i already do. but in the mean time i need your prayers. pray for our hearts as they are broken everyday we wait for everything to fall into place. pray for us not to settle on anything less than what God has planned for our future family. pray that i can be open & honest on this journey. pray that i can make myself depend on each & everyone of you when i need to instead of burrowing deeper into myself like i'd often rather do.
but i beg of you, don't lecture me. don't tell me the joys of childbirth & babies because i can promise you we don't see eye to eye on that. we know what we want, what God has laid on our hearts & we're going after it full force. i know that some of you won't understand our decision. some of you will think we're considering adoption only because we have to, but that's not the case. adoption is a calling, we totally understand that. and we're following that calling, no matter how long it may take...but i know i'm going to need tons of prayers along the way, pretty sure we both will...are you up for the challenge with us?