have you ever...

Have you ever had a time in your life that you felt, just useless? a time that you're not quite sure what God is up to, why He has you where He has you. and well, you just feel like poop. i'm there. i'm struggling to find where i fit. i've struggled with that alot here...but even MORE so lately. i feel inadequate, a failure, a fake. i've been jobless for almost six months now...and while i'd be lying to say i haven't enjoyed everyday of it. guilt consumes me when i know my husband is just as unhappy with his job as i was with mine...and he longs for the "fun" days i've had the benefit of enjoying. i feel guilty at the fun, i feel guilty spending money i'm not currently bringing in.
it's this time, the late hours that are the worst for my fragile soul. all the insecurities come screaming out! i'll be the first to admit that i don't harbor too many insecurities...but the ones i do possess bear such a tight gripe i don't know if i'll ever shake them...and of course that only leads to more fears.
what if i'm really not good enough? i realize that most people think there needs to be more to that question...good enough for what, or for who. But that's part of my problem. i don't really know what i fear not being good enough for...it's an evolving fear. what if i'm not a good enough daughter? what if i'm not good enough as a student? what if i'm not good enough as a wife? what if i'm NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH? when i lose my gripe on restraining these insecurities these questions berate me, and torment me.

what if people don't really like me? what if i'm a filler for something better? i realize this is crazy. i mean who wouldn't like me, right? but it creeps in slowly. slowly & painfully. it just chips away at my confidence & i become this bumbling mess. it's a tough place to be, a scary place. and there are only a handful of people in this world i can turn to in those times...and even knowing that it's hard, difficult to even turn to them when i know i need it. sometimes it's just convincing myself i need it.

i'm just there right now, blah. feeling worthless & forgettable. disposable...the most terrifying thing to me.

::sigh:: it'll pass i'm sure, it always does.