when dreams hurt...

Last night i had a dream. i don't dream often, or remember them, or whatever. But last night i did. I dreamed that my husband and i were given our referral child for two days as a trial run. now i know that is *not* the way things work, but it did in this dream, so we'll roll with it. this orphan we received, it wasn't the child i see when i picture our future children, for starters it was only one, but i was instantly in love! he had my full attention every moment of each day, he was "ours". i fell headlong, over the top, crazy, unconditionally, in LOVE with this child.
and then we had to return him.
not because the trial period went badly, but because we weren't ready to complete the adoption. we didn't have an actual room for him, we didn't have all the finances lined up, it was TERRIBLE. i felt my soul had been ripped from within! i sobbed for days...i actually woke up sobbing. i spent the day mourning an orphan that was a figment of my imagination.

i feel this is the beginning of my life. adoption & orphan care has been emblazoned on our hearts & we're about to jump head first into it!

i don't know what to title this one...

Once again she pulls  it out from the back of the drawer. The box is covered in dust, which is a good sign, but she wonders if it will ever cease to taunt her. She slides the lid off the warn box & its contents shines in the light. She sighs, frustrated that she’s once again succumbed to the pull of the contents of this tattered cardboard box. She gets that tingling of desire as her fingers reach into the box. She pulls the tiny blade from within & every fiber of her being wants to drag it across her skin like old times. To feel it as it reaches deeper separating skin from skin. She knows it’s a sick & twisted desire, but it’s a desire none the less.  She sighs. This simple piece of silver was a best friend to her for years. It never failed to be there for her, to be by her side when no one else was. It was a comfort when her life had to be hidden from the rest of the world. It provided solitude. Shaking her head, as if such a simple action would loosen the thoughts threatening to strangle her sanity, she flipped the blade over in the palm of her hand. So many memories swarmed through her head. Her hand fluttered out grabbing a chair to help steady her. Those damned memories! Those are the moments that drove her to this piece of metal to begin with. The times in life when curling up in a little ball of protection never helped. It was these memories that corrupted her soul & shattered her person. She held the cool metal between her fingers and wondered if she would ever be whole again. She always tried to keep it together but right now, here, alone, she broke. She broke like she had so many times before, screaming out in pain & anger to the God that had cradled her so many times before. But sometimes in her weakest of moments her anger outweighed all common sense and she begged for a different life, a different past, for different memories. She shuddered as the sobs, they racked her body, and those wretched memories ravaged her mind. How did she get here?  When did that control she’d fought for her entire life escape her grasp? She choked on her own tears as she slipped from the chair to the floor. How had so many years passed and yet she was still so broken? How did the smallest of gestures make her insides shudder and quake like a helpless child? She let the waves of pain and agony sweep over her body. She knew it was pointless to fight the tears once she let that first one fall it seemed like forever before she could pull it together again. She knew the process, she would cry, uncontrollably, until she had cried herself to exhaustion. Then she would pick herself up. She would slide that shiny blade back into its box of protection placing it delicately it in the back of the drawer hiding it, protecting it, from the world.

Inside the Mind of a Half-Marathoner...

...or at least *this* half-marathoner. so Sunday, February 13, 2011 I ran my first half marathon, the Rock N Roll Mardi Gras Half Marathon!

Mile 1 – Crossed the starting line. Wow these people are pretty hyped. It’s cold yo.

Mile 2 – What?! Mile 2?? They were right, the adrenaline totally took care of mile one! I *never* even saw mile one! This is going to be a breeze! Ooh, water, sweet!

Mile 3 – Dude, I totally just finished a 5k! Oh, crap! That means I still have…why am I even *trying* to calculate that? We all know I suck at math…and math while you’re running?! That’s just ludicrous! We’ll just say I still have a long way to go. “You got dis!” I love looking down & seeing that! Knowing my best friends are cheering me on!

 

(i totally just realized that perseverance was misspelled on my arm! ha!)

Mile 4 – Wow, that guy looks like Jace…whoah! That is Jace! And Jan! And Jerry! Aww, Cohen’s got a sign! Who’s that girl yelling my name? IT’S MITZI!!! Aww! This is awesome!  I really thought Emily would have already passed & they’d have moved on..but it’s SO great to see familiar faces! Why did I tell Mich & Adam to stay at the finish line? Ah, oh well. I have officially completed one lap around the lakes! Woot! Woot! Was that a toenail? DID I SERIOUSLY JUST LOSE A TOENAIL!?! Well, there’s not a red spot on my shoe…maybe I’m just being paranoid, but my toe really hurts. IS THAT BLOOD? No, just a shadow. Ooooh, Creole Creamery! Dang it, now I’m thinking of their Salted Caramel ice cream mixed with their Mexican Hot Chocolate! Ugh, ice cream isn’t all that appealing after all…

Mile 5 – “Stacey’s mom has got it going on!” Man, this song makes me think of Yecats! This is a great song to run to. Ah, look another band...maybe if my headphones weren’t in I could hear them, oh well, I put a lot of thought into this play list & I’m loving it so far.

Mile 6 – Only SIX?! Well, I guess it makes sense…six *does* come after five, but still! Run with perseverance Heb 12.1 Ahh, thanks, God, way to throw me one! Linkin Park! This reminds me of running Hwy 19 with Nita! If I didn’t have a million miles left I’d totally sprint to this song! What? Callabria, it’s like Mich is here too! Awesomesauce! This might just be the best mile yet! Aww, there’s the family again! How do they have so much energy? Oh, yeah.  I’m almost half way! Why am I crying? Pull it together, Tricia, you still *have* halfway!

Mile 7 -  Look! That’s Emily! She seriously just back tracked *just* to cheer me on & tell me I’m doing a great job? I love that girl! Yet, if it weren’t for her I wouldn’t even be out here! Ha! Next year, I’m totally NOT telling Adam to stay at the finish line. How did I underestimate the encouraging power of seeing familiar faces along the route? Wait, did I seriously just think “next year”?! I must be hitting the delirious stage. Mmm, I smell hamburgers! Who would DO that? That’s so cruel! God, if you could make these boobs just fall off right now, I’d totally appreciate it! No, really… I can’t believe I’m almost on mile nine!

 Mile 8 – Mile eight!?!? Ughgh!! I swear I’d already passed eight! Are you kidding me? This sucks! I’m *never* going to finish this! Ha! I can hear April telling me I have to stay positive! Ah, April, I’m so glad she warned me about this whole mental destruction. Oh, my gosh, I can’t believe I’m only on mile eight! Jeeze, it’s really loud under the overpass! Is that guy seriously street sweeping that parking lot? It’s like a huge dust ball under here! Stupid head. Gah!

 Mile 9 – No, really, this sucks! I’m never going to finish this! And my time is just getting worse & worse!  Why did I sign up for text alerts so that everyone can see just how terribly I’m doing! (I’m hearing April’s reminders to stay positive) “Let me tell the story, I can tell it all about the mountain boy who ran illegal alcohol…” aww, Papa used to sing that song all the time. I’m. Never. Going. To. Finish. This. Race. Hmm, maybe I should pray a bit…I’m seriously beating myself up here. Hey God, I could seriously use some help here…
Stand In the Rain by Superchicks is playing now..Thanks, God, I really needed that! ::tears:: Maybe I’ll make it after all…

Mile 10 – MILE TEN!!!!! I only have a 5k left! I. Can. Do. This. I can totally do this! Alright, Tricia, time to pick up the pace! Another song with whistling in it! That always makes me think of Adam…like he’s right here cheering me on! Gosh, I love that man! He’s been so supportive during all this training..he even encouraged me to get in miles when I didn’t want to, just because he knew it would make me feel better! Gah! *Why* do I keep tearing up!? Are they seriously handing out Mardi Gras beads?! Who wants to run with Mardi Gras beads on? Crazy. Dude, I’ve got some serious blisters going on these feet!

Mile 11 – Water! Is that water boy eating a bag of chips? Dude, I could really eat those chips…if I push him over & steal his chips would that be a bad thing? I mean *I* am the one running a half marathon here...just saying. God, remember when I asked you to make my boobs fall off? I really meant that…my back is *killing* me! Did you know I wore like four bras today!?  Holy moly! I’m PASSING people now! Move outta my way! Trix is coming THROUGH! God, you totally keep playing the right songs at the right moment! Thanks!

Mile 12 – Can’t touch, this! Da na na naaah! Ha ha ha!!! I totally forgot I put this song on my playlist! Ha ha! I wish I could hammer time WHILE walking, that would be sweet! What’s that smell? FRIED CHICKEN? Oh. My. Gosh. I have never wanted fried chicken so badly in all my life! Water! That means I’m at 12.4 that means I’m so close! Why is that girl stopping to sit? Doesn’t she know how close we are?? Wow, these blisters really hurt!

Mile 13 – Oh. My. Dang. I just did THIRTEEN MILES! Why can’t I see the finish line yet? You’d think that you’d be able to SEE .1 miles...or is it .1 mile? Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m almost done! This is crazy! I’ve almost completed a HALF MARATHON!  I can hear the finish line! Did that man just fall!?! Do I stop? No, he’s got people with him, whew! Is it selfish I didn’t want to stop because I wanted to keep my time to a minimum? I’m pretty sure that’s terrible…
Hey! There’s Jess!

.1 – Wow! This is exhilarating! There’s Adam! And Mich! Cory, April! Seester! Gabe! Oh my gosh! Adam made me a poster! Holy crap I’m sobbing! I just finished a half marathon! I seriously can’t stop crying! Did Adam just say he was proud of me? I didn’t think I could cry any harder! I’m starving. I’m tired..boy do these blisters HURT. My MEDAL! (more tears) aaaand photo time! FOOD!

Official Time: 3:55:

 

a runner's best friend! 3am...

 all ready! 5am

 Encouragement...

 Seesters!

 Sisters (in-law) after Emily's AWESOME accomplishment of 26.2 miles in 5:14:56!

 We even have the same shoes!

 So. Close...

 Run, Run!

finish line in sight!

when my heart aches...

i'm 99.9% sure that i'm incapable of birthing a child. and some days that just kills me. some of you may be shocked by this statement because you know i'm not exactly signing up to endure childbirth. and it doesn't drive me crazy for the reasons you may think. my feelings haven't changed about birthing. i know some people live for it, think it's the most awesome thing in the world, but i don't. to be honest it kinda grosses me out. God's been working on my heart since i was, oh, about five to adopt. it's a passion, it's *my* "most beautiful thing"...but sometimes i just...wish. it. were. easier.
i'm *so* ready. i'm ready to be a mom. i'm ready for the tiny feet pounding down the hallway to be running into *my* arms. i'm not divulging this information for you to feel sorry for me. i don't feel there is anything to feel sorry for. my life hasn't exactly been the one that traveled down the easy road. in my twenty-seven years i've endured some terrifying things...but i've never allowed myself to be defined by my trials, and i won't allow anyone else to do it either. i'm not a victim, i never have been.
it's just, sometimes, it want it to be easier (and yes, i realize that's the second time i've said that). but i know me, and i know God knows me. and He knows i'm the kinda person that has to have it the hard way so that i learn..so i'll appreciate the view from the top.
this doesn't mean i don't cry along the way. it doesn't mean that i don't wish i could just "accidentally adopt" like people accidentally get pregnant.
::sigh::
here's my plea. as my friends, and as my family, i need you to make an impossible promise. i need you to promise me you'll still be there. when my lifelong dream finally comes true & one day down the road we bring those precious little toddlers into our family, i need you to promise you'll still be there. i need you to promise you'll love them just as fiercely as i already do. but in the mean time i need your prayers. pray for our hearts as they are broken everyday we wait for everything to fall into place. pray for us not to settle on anything less than what God has planned for our future family. pray that i can be open & honest on this journey. pray that i can make myself depend on each & everyone of you when i need to instead of burrowing deeper into myself like i'd often rather do.
but i beg of you, don't lecture me. don't tell me the joys of childbirth & babies because i can promise you we don't see eye to eye on that. we know what we want, what God has laid on our hearts & we're going after it full force. i know that some of you won't understand our decision. some of you will think we're considering adoption only because we have to, but that's not the case. adoption is a calling, we totally understand that. and we're following that calling, no matter how long it may take...but i know i'm going to need tons of prayers along the way, pretty sure we both will...are you up for the challenge with us?

It's The Little Things...

It's the little things, I tell my husband this all the time. Don't spend money on me...just tell me why you love  me, or fold & put away the laundry, or bring home Starbucks (yes i know that's money, but not a lot). It's the smallest things in life, the laughter, that I love & cherish, that makes me feel whole...
So me & God we've been having some rough times these last few months. I'm struggling with getting my spiritual feet under me. And I don't like it one bit. I've been angry & hostile and hurt...and I don't really know how to communicate it to Him. Before you say it...I *know* He knows my heart & I don't need to physically communicate it to Him...but *I* need it. I need to feel loud and heard and expressed! Instead I feel lost, and misunderstood, and lonely.
and it sucks.
I realize that as we grow both physically & spiritually we sort of wean ourselves off of dependency...but if I were honest, even at 27, there are times when I just want my Mama to make me soup & take care of me when I'm sick. Yeah, you heard me, and I bet most of you have been there too. Well, I'm totally there with God. I just need a little Trix/God time and I just kind of felt abandoned by Him. Don't get me wrong He has totally proved himself over & Over & OVER again...so I don't really have grounds for feeling abandoned, but I still do.
This weekend we participated in a 2 mile race in LaPlace. It was a blast we had fun with friends & family. We enjoyed a park full of Christmas lights & after waiting two hours for dinner, enjoyed the best burger I've had in a long time. On our way home, the hubs realized his pockets did not contain his wallet. He got *really* upset. We called his brother & sister-in-law to check their swagger wagon just in case it fell out in there somewhere--no luck. The hubs was SO upset! (bear with me, this tangent will tie in in just a moment, i promise) I did my best to calm him down. I explained the credit cards hadn't been used. His license wouldn't be too bad to replace, etc. That's when he told me why he was really so upset...his wallet contained my Christmas present. My heart fell...not for me, I mean, he could give me a hug for Christmas & I'd be happy...but I know how much gift giving brings joy to HIM. And the fact that he already had my gift (he loves the thrill of last minute shopping) was touching. And my heart ached *because* his heart ached! My bro-&-sis-in-law are great. They searched for that wallet for two days with no luck.
I was so upset for the hubs, and I kept praying that I'd walk outside and the wallet would just be lying there in the open, somewhere we should have seen it but hadn't. no luck. I just kept praying, "God, PLEASE, can you just let me find the wallet, please?!" I was so frustrated that I was helpless. Not to mention the fact that I was humbled by begging the Big Man for such a minute thing when I've been so hurt & angry with Him on my own behalf. That day my sis-in-law came into town we had lunch & after lunch I asked her if she'd mind me going through the swagger wagon afterward "just to be sure". By this point I'd given up any hope of My-Man-With-The-Holy-Bicep making the wallet magically appear. I dejectedly looked in the back of the van...then got down for the final sweep and lo-and-behold!!!! I have never seen a more beautiful brown IN. MY. LIFE. There it was...his wallet...just chillin. Sitting there wedged between the seat & the wall THE WALLET! I was *so* excited to be able to tell the hubs I'd found his wallet!
Yeah, so, that was the little thing. The little thing God used to let me know He hasn't abandoned me. I can't say that I'm completely out of the funk, or that I'm magically not angry & frustrated with Him right anymore....but I know He's patiently waiting for me to connect the pieces & come back where I belong. I love that He knows me like that. I love that He molds me. It's the little things...

Sometimes...

Cut my skin and I bleed, just like anybody. And I want and I need, as much as anybody.
Sometimes I cry but doesn't everybody?
I have secrets, I have scars as deep as anybody. I have fears no one hears, but don't tell anybody.
Sometimes I lie, but doesn't everybody? Sometimes, doesn't everybody?
I know that sometimes I end up running wild! Fearless like a little child, but tell me, doesn't everybody?
Sometimes. Doesn't everybody? Sometimes...
Well I stumble and I fall, just like everybody. Try to walk before I crawl, but doesn't everybody? Wish I could fly, but doesn't everybody? Sometimes. Doesn't everybody...?
I know that sometimes I end up running wild, I feel just like a little child but tell me, doesn't everybody, sometimes...? Sometimes...

Melanie Horsnell - Sometimes

candid...

Dear God,

so i'm a little pissed right now. at least frustrated! i have these things i want in my life...things i *know* You've placed on my heart. but it all seems so very out of reach--for me. everyone else? they're getting all the things my little heart longs for. and right now i'm just broken. i don't really know how i can express these feelings verbally, but i know You know. i'm angry & i'm tired of pretending i'm not. i wish You were physically *here* so i could yell at You & then listen to You tell me just how dumb i'm being. in the meantime i feel as though i'm just lost here doing my best to keep my head above the waves, but i'm getting tired...so very tired.
You know what i long for. i'm trusting that Your plan *will* work out & i'll see (once again) that Your plan was in motion all along.
can i also ask You, while i'm just rambling here, to help us find a church home? i'm a little burnt out on that whole situation. i've just been really disappointed with churches & people here so far. i feel like we can *go* to church but we can't *participate* in church & You know that's not my game. i need to be a part, to be active. gah!!! it's all so frustrating!!! and i don't feel that i can talk to anyone about it. i don't need their opinion, i just need to vent & be done. so You get the earful, which is probably better anyway, since REALLY it's Your opinion & Your help i'm trying to seek out here.
i'm a little burned out right now. and i don't feel like putting the effort out. i'm tired. i feel like i've lost me in being who they needed me to be...and it hurts. a lot.
maybe you could just shake up our life a bit? move us across the world? to live in a hut somewhere? i'd be down with that. at least just move us from here? please? i need to be able to breathe again. i need to feel You & I are close again, besties. so i'm telling You now...from this point on, i'm going to focus on focusing again. and i'm looking forward to one of those God-hugs You like to surround me with!
thanks,

trix