There's A Life Outside Of This Madness...

there's somthing about live music that just touches my soul...it opens me up & frees me. it always has. music has always been an escape from the world for me. the downside that sometimes it makes me feel too safe.

tonight i discovered that the combination of live music and darkness is the perfect combination to get me to spill many of the secrets i keep. if i had put that together, say, fifteen years ago, i would have saved thousands of dollars in therapy! Turn on some good music, turn off the lights, & i'll spill my soul to you. great.

i went to the Balloon Festival in Natchez, MS with some very good friends of mine. they are great people. amazing really. always there when i need it, often when i don't even know i need it. but i still like to keep my secrets. sometimes it's because i don't feel i deserve to feel hurt, or angry, or much of anything really. but there's something about good music & the dark that just crumbles my walls of protection & i can't stop talking despite that voice screaming in the back of my head telling me i'm talking too much. the thing about the darkness is just how much it hides. you can't see the judgment on people's faces. you can't see pity in their eyes. i'm not saying that these friends i over shared with tonight experienced either of those things...but that's what i fear regardless. and now i feel overly exposed. naked. and i don't really know what to do about it. how do you look a friend in the eye after they've accidentally seen you naked? how do you look them in the eye & talk to them as if they have never seen your most intimate thoughts & feelings? how do you...?

never gonna happen...

if i were to be honest i don't know how many of you have a person in your life, or more than one in some (my) cases, a person that destroyed who you were. that destroyed everything you had. shredded the tiny, tiny threads you clung to to keep your life from unfraying before your eyes. one of those people has somehow managed to try and weasel himself back into my life. it's not the first time. but everytime it's just as hard. i'm left feeling vulnerable, scared, & confused. i. hate. feeling. vulnerable.
i've spent my life fighting against being vulnerable. but this guy. this guy that ruined my life...he won't stop. everytime i think its safe he tracks down some form of contact & tells me we should talk. i don't *want* to talk. i don't *want* ANYTHING to do with him.
for...give...ness
it's been given because i *had* to forgive to move on. to repair my life. to repair my soul. but i will NEVER forget the damage he did. the pain & anguish that my entire family dealt with because of him. and i will not allow him back into my life. ever. again.
i've told him such. time. and time. and time. again.
he doesn't care. it's like he's getting off on torturing me at the very moment i feel safe. the instant i forget & put it all behind me. I. WANT. IT. TO. END. a thousand times over i want it to end! i'm so tired of this battle. of this recurring nightmare.
i just want it to be over...