when dreams hurt...

Last night i had a dream. i don't dream often, or remember them, or whatever. But last night i did. I dreamed that my husband and i were given our referral child for two days as a trial run. now i know that is *not* the way things work, but it did in this dream, so we'll roll with it. this orphan we received, it wasn't the child i see when i picture our future children, for starters it was only one, but i was instantly in love! he had my full attention every moment of each day, he was "ours". i fell headlong, over the top, crazy, unconditionally, in LOVE with this child.
and then we had to return him.
not because the trial period went badly, but because we weren't ready to complete the adoption. we didn't have an actual room for him, we didn't have all the finances lined up, it was TERRIBLE. i felt my soul had been ripped from within! i sobbed for days...i actually woke up sobbing. i spent the day mourning an orphan that was a figment of my imagination.

i feel this is the beginning of my life. adoption & orphan care has been emblazoned on our hearts & we're about to jump head first into it!