What if I told you...
that i'm scared to be alone.
What if I told you...
I learned to use my sexuality as a tool for control.
What if I told you...
i grew up way too fast.
What if I told you...
my two best friends saved my life without even knowing it.
What if I told you....
i knew too much about sex too early.
What if I told you...
i used to hate Jesus.
What if I told you...
i never thought I'd live to be twenty-seven.
What if I told you...
i started cutting when i was five.
What if I told you...
sometimes i still want to.
What if I told you...
i hate personality tests.
What if I told you...
i always wished you cared more.
What if I told you...
i just wanted you to get along with each other.
What if I told you...
i didn't believe in marriage for years.
What if I told you...
your offhanded racist comments make me lose respect for you.
What if I told you...
those very comments make me fear my future children spending time with you.
What if I told you...
how much hate i used to have in my soul for his destruction on my family.
What if I told you...
i was always afraid i'd be the one to find her cold lifeless body.
What if I told you...
i wish he was still in jail.
What if I told you...
i still hate the men that destroyed me.
What if I told you...
there are some people i still can't forgive.
What if I told you...
church often makes me feel worthless or not good enough.
What if I told you...
music used to be my only escape.
What if I told you...
i used to pray that i would be turned into a mermaid.
What if I told you...
i thought it was my fault she was so unhappy.
What if I told you...
i'm glad he died.
What if I told you...
i was scared for my life, many times.
What if I told you...
how much showing weakness scares the hell out of me.
What if I told you...
i hated being "the white girl".
What if I told you...
i dread seeing him at my high school reunion.
What if I told you...
i still have nightmares about you.
What if I told you...
i'd love to be famous.
What if I told you...
i used to think i might kill him.
What if I told you...
i've lived with crazy.
What if I told you...
i don't like country music.
What if I told you...
that smiling was, and sometimes still is, a registration of despair.
What if I told you...
laughter hid the pain.
What if I told you...
i used to hide money in my stereo just in case i had to run away with my siblings because of your lies.
What if I told you...
i hate DFCS with a passion.
What if I told you...
i used to have to carry a voice recorder in my back-pack due to his lies.
What if I told you...
i wish our relationship had been better.
What if I told you...
i still blame myself.
What if I told you...
i love hugs.
What if I told you...
silence petrifies me.
What if I told you...
my life is full of secrets you may never know.
What if I told you...
i never want to be easy to figure out.
What if I told you...?
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6 comments:
I would still think you're awesome, even if you told me! :) But we need to have a talk about personality tests and country music. I heart those things!
Wow.... First time on your blog - and I bounced over from @inprogress' tweet. Feels like I just walked in on a convo between you & your best friend, like some stranger showing up at a family reunion. Even though I'm a stranger, I'm impacted none-the-less.
This is powerful. I hope you found release and freedom in some of these words.
my words are caught in my throat, along with my breath. i wish i could give you a hug. and just sit together...
just sit...
@Amy i love you dearly...but you won't be changing my mind on country or personality tests (especially Myers Briggs) :)
@Mandy thank you. i'm sorry this was the first post you had to read. but thank you. this was a very difficult one to publish but actually inspired by Tam a little. Release is coming slowly but surely.
@Alece that means so much coming from you, friend. i would enjoy a hug from you anytime...and i'd love to just sit. maybe one day...
thank you all for your kind words & support. it means more than you'll know.
This is the first post I've read by you, too. I came over from Mandy's blog.
... and I feel like I could have written much of this.
Thank you for putting it out there.
@L,
i hate to hear that you could have written the same things. but i'm touched that this confession reached you...thank you for stopping by. i'm praying for you & hoping peace in your life.
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