Because I Still Cry...

Because I still cry. I still cry for you & about you, little RaneStorm. I still miss you & all your lost promise. And sometimes it makes me feel guilty because I should be excited & focused on your sibling, RaneMaker, growing inside me. And I am, we are SO excited, beyond excited! And we know how very blessed we are, I promise. RaneMaker, you are so loved, anticipated, and absolutely miraculous!
But sometimes I feel as if I didn't give you enough of my mourning, RaneStorm. And that makes me feel like an awful, awful mother. And I wonder what the three of you would have been like together. And I get lost in thought of your potential shenanigans before I realize the tears are streaming down my face, again. And I have to quickly wipe them away before your sister sees, or I wake your Dad with my sobs. It's a hard line to walk, mourning & celebration, but we're walking it with grace. I hope you two know I'm just as in love with you as I am your sister! RaneMaker, I pray you will always know just how cherished you are! And I hope that you never mistake my tears for RaneStorm to be anything regarding you, or your importance to our family; YOU ARE CHERISHED!

I'm a lucky girl, and I know that even in my mourning & loss He has never once left my side. And I relish in that, in His embrace & love. Because as lonely as loss can make you feel, I have yet to be left alone. And I know that is because He is forever placing hugs in my way, because He knows how my heart is still a shattered piece of a thing. And He knows I need Him and others, even if I refuse to ask for myself. I'm grateful for our relationship & how He knows that He often has to force His great love on me because I'm do dang stubborn. I love His understanding of me & His endless patience with me. And I rest, I rest in His unwavering grace! I still don't have a clue as to why He chose this journey for me, but I don't doubt for a moment this pain will have meaning & purpose down the road. And I'm thankful for that promise. As I cling to Him & His grace during this time, I am continually praying that I keep eyes focused on Him and that I would be prepared & aware of what He's working on.

I love you, all three of you!