It's The Little Things...

It's the little things, I tell my husband this all the time. Don't spend money on me...just tell me why you love  me, or fold & put away the laundry, or bring home Starbucks (yes i know that's money, but not a lot). It's the smallest things in life, the laughter, that I love & cherish, that makes me feel whole...
So me & God we've been having some rough times these last few months. I'm struggling with getting my spiritual feet under me. And I don't like it one bit. I've been angry & hostile and hurt...and I don't really know how to communicate it to Him. Before you say it...I *know* He knows my heart & I don't need to physically communicate it to Him...but *I* need it. I need to feel loud and heard and expressed! Instead I feel lost, and misunderstood, and lonely.
and it sucks.
I realize that as we grow both physically & spiritually we sort of wean ourselves off of dependency...but if I were honest, even at 27, there are times when I just want my Mama to make me soup & take care of me when I'm sick. Yeah, you heard me, and I bet most of you have been there too. Well, I'm totally there with God. I just need a little Trix/God time and I just kind of felt abandoned by Him. Don't get me wrong He has totally proved himself over & Over & OVER again...so I don't really have grounds for feeling abandoned, but I still do.
This weekend we participated in a 2 mile race in LaPlace. It was a blast we had fun with friends & family. We enjoyed a park full of Christmas lights & after waiting two hours for dinner, enjoyed the best burger I've had in a long time. On our way home, the hubs realized his pockets did not contain his wallet. He got *really* upset. We called his brother & sister-in-law to check their swagger wagon just in case it fell out in there somewhere--no luck. The hubs was SO upset! (bear with me, this tangent will tie in in just a moment, i promise) I did my best to calm him down. I explained the credit cards hadn't been used. His license wouldn't be too bad to replace, etc. That's when he told me why he was really so upset...his wallet contained my Christmas present. My heart fell...not for me, I mean, he could give me a hug for Christmas & I'd be happy...but I know how much gift giving brings joy to HIM. And the fact that he already had my gift (he loves the thrill of last minute shopping) was touching. And my heart ached *because* his heart ached! My bro-&-sis-in-law are great. They searched for that wallet for two days with no luck.
I was so upset for the hubs, and I kept praying that I'd walk outside and the wallet would just be lying there in the open, somewhere we should have seen it but hadn't. no luck. I just kept praying, "God, PLEASE, can you just let me find the wallet, please?!" I was so frustrated that I was helpless. Not to mention the fact that I was humbled by begging the Big Man for such a minute thing when I've been so hurt & angry with Him on my own behalf. That day my sis-in-law came into town we had lunch & after lunch I asked her if she'd mind me going through the swagger wagon afterward "just to be sure". By this point I'd given up any hope of My-Man-With-The-Holy-Bicep making the wallet magically appear. I dejectedly looked in the back of the van...then got down for the final sweep and lo-and-behold!!!! I have never seen a more beautiful brown IN. MY. LIFE. There it was...his wallet...just chillin. Sitting there wedged between the seat & the wall THE WALLET! I was *so* excited to be able to tell the hubs I'd found his wallet!
Yeah, so, that was the little thing. The little thing God used to let me know He hasn't abandoned me. I can't say that I'm completely out of the funk, or that I'm magically not angry & frustrated with Him right anymore....but I know He's patiently waiting for me to connect the pieces & come back where I belong. I love that He knows me like that. I love that He molds me. It's the little things...