Saying Goodbye...

this has been a very difficult post to write, even more difficult to come to terms with. This past year or so i have had to come to some pretty disappointing realities about someone i not only loved, but probably put more faith/hope in than i should have. and now, i have to say...goodbye.

i recently went to see Toy Story 3 and i cried throughout the entire movie. not because this is a sad movie. not because it was a poorly made movie. i cried for the loss this movie brought to realization. you see Toy Story came out when this kid i'm talking about was around 3 years old. it quickly became his favorite movie. we watched that tape over, and over, and over. He would run around in his diapers, red cowboy boots, and his Buzz Lightyear toy telling you, "I love you to 'affinity' and beyond," at the top of his little lungs.

This little guy, while eight years younger than me, came to hold a very special place in my heart. He was a precious kid, innocent and kind. he fell in love with the preacher's daughter at 5 years of age...even though she was an older woman. he was cute & tender. often telling you how much he loved you, or quoting "Luke, I am your father" until you thought you'd die! he made up songs in his carseat, my all time favorite being "Butterfly" sung in his precious toddler voice. when i got my computer for college the first recording i did on it was him singing the "Faw-mer Anna Dell"...it played everytime my computer turned on. it was a precious piece of home, of hope, that was dear to me while i was away.
while i was in college this cute kid evolved...he stopped playing soccer & kind of just lost drive in general. until one day he discovered skateboarding. we all thought he'd finally found that "thing". and it lasted for awhile...but not long enough. soon his friends turned less and less...savory. his grades crashed. i did everything i could to give him purpose...something to hold onto. i bribed him into creating study habits...to actually apply his genius to school. i called him as often as i could. i let him use my cell phone so he could text his girlfriend before he had texting on his own phone.
and then he started changing...i didn't know why in the beginning, i just assumed it was the poison of the stagnant small town we grew up in. the sad part was he *became* the statistic of that small town. the guy that make bad decisions based on friends rather than his own intellect. he became a stranger. he started getting in trouble, a lot of trouble. he was stealing. he was lying, he was doing things he shouldn't. i wanted to believe him, i wanted to think the best. this was a kid i'd loved and mentored. i wanted desperately to believe he wasn't capable of making these terrible decisions. i needed to know that deep down he was still that innocent, precious, kid i'd watched grow up...

but then he made it painfully clear he wasn't. he got busted for drug use...and lied, again, that he'd learned a lesson. only days later making statements proving he wasn't sorry at all. he'd gone from being a leader in his youth group to posts bashing christians all together, claiming his hatred was for their hypocrisy & lack of acknowledging opinions that differ from theirs. all the while he was deleting any comments that didn't agree with him; ironic, eh? he'd lied. he lied to everyone. he lied to his family. he lied to the girl he claimed to love...
if anyone tried to call him out on his crap? he brushed them of, or, if they were lucky like me...he told them they were being a bitch.

that's when i realized, i'd lost the love i loved the most. the kid i loved had died a long time ago. there was nothing left of that boy anymore. something more sinister & cruel had taken hold of him & killed him. i had to mourn the loss of someone i cherished. i can only pray that someday i can celebrate in his return...rather than what i fear: that i'll end up mourning his actual death instead.

this kid i loved, he didn't grow up to be an Andy...instead he's grown up to be a Sid. now when i watch Toy Story, all three, i can't help but cry. i can't help but wonder what this kids life *could* have been. who he could have become. who he could have kept from hurting. but he doesn't even care anymore, about anyone that cares for him. he continues to put himself and those that love him in harms way....

and so i'm saying goodbye. the hardest goodbye of my life. goodbye to the guy i thought i knew. goodbye to the kid that had so much love & potential...he's long gone. i hate to think that my children will never meet this guy. they'll only ever hear stories of what he used to be. *who* he used to be. maybe things will change, but i'm not holding on to much hope for that anymore.

"who do you think you are?
running ’round leaving scars
collecting your jar of hearts
tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don’t come back for me
who do you think you are?"
Jar of Hearts, by Christina Perri

Goodbye, Kiddo...