My Life As A Nomad...

Hello friends! You may have noticed i've been absent from my blogging lately...but for those of you twitter/facebook friends, you know it's simply because i haven't been home for WEEKS! i'm most certainly working on post that will catch you up on all my adventures over the last few weeks. Since the majority of places i've been "visiting" haven't had internet or available computers i'v just been post-less ;)
this weekend is my leetle brudder's graduation weekend so i'm pretty much obligated to shower all my attention on him! ha ha ha! expect a catch up post later this week! and many more for this section of the Raney family is booked solid through the first weekend of July!! Thanks for the understanding!

OH! and just a reminder...THIRTEEN days till my birthday!! Get excited!

Nothing to Fear but Tears Themselves...

one thing i've always hated is crying. i learned at a young age that tears wreaked of weakness. it gave others power...and well, i hate when others have power over me. i realize that's not exactly a christian mindset, but it's the truth. and i hate them...i hate breaking down, and i hate the feelings it brings crashing back.

I. Hate. Crying.

and yet i've been fighting off this feeling...an almost impending urge to cry. i don't know why. i couldn't begin to tell you what it is. i'm not sad, at least i don't think i am. but it pricks at my nose & my eyes begin to water and i fight it. i fight every second of it. refusing to let the tears build more than they have. refusing to give in, refusing to transfer control. and i'll continue to do it. to fight. to not cry...

have you ever...

Have you ever had a time in your life that you felt, just useless? a time that you're not quite sure what God is up to, why He has you where He has you. and well, you just feel like poop. i'm there. i'm struggling to find where i fit. i've struggled with that alot here...but even MORE so lately. i feel inadequate, a failure, a fake. i've been jobless for almost six months now...and while i'd be lying to say i haven't enjoyed everyday of it. guilt consumes me when i know my husband is just as unhappy with his job as i was with mine...and he longs for the "fun" days i've had the benefit of enjoying. i feel guilty at the fun, i feel guilty spending money i'm not currently bringing in.
it's this time, the late hours that are the worst for my fragile soul. all the insecurities come screaming out! i'll be the first to admit that i don't harbor too many insecurities...but the ones i do possess bear such a tight gripe i don't know if i'll ever shake them...and of course that only leads to more fears.
what if i'm really not good enough? i realize that most people think there needs to be more to that question...good enough for what, or for who. But that's part of my problem. i don't really know what i fear not being good enough for...it's an evolving fear. what if i'm not a good enough daughter? what if i'm not good enough as a student? what if i'm not good enough as a wife? what if i'm NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH? when i lose my gripe on restraining these insecurities these questions berate me, and torment me.

what if people don't really like me? what if i'm a filler for something better? i realize this is crazy. i mean who wouldn't like me, right? but it creeps in slowly. slowly & painfully. it just chips away at my confidence & i become this bumbling mess. it's a tough place to be, a scary place. and there are only a handful of people in this world i can turn to in those times...and even knowing that it's hard, difficult to even turn to them when i know i need it. sometimes it's just convincing myself i need it.

i'm just there right now, blah. feeling worthless & forgettable. disposable...the most terrifying thing to me.

::sigh:: it'll pass i'm sure, it always does.