It's What We Call Bayou Living...

Plan B, we're pregnant...

2011-10-12T10:35:00.000-06:00

Part I

Yup, you read that correctly! Adam & I are expecting...now for those of you that know me, that may come as a bit of a shock. And it's ok, I felt the very same way! I ran to the window to see if pigs were flying...

Let's start from the beginning:
When I was young, I proclaimed to the world that I was going to have twenty children! My plan was to birth ten & adopt ten, I know, a bit ambitious! As I grew older and experienced just how difficult children could be I decided that maybe ten was a better number, I'd birth five and adopt five. Life went on, I learned more about kids and childbirth and the cost of living...and I quickly decided I'd rather adopt and maybe keep my pint sized desires to around four.
And that remained my plan for years. I've made no secret of my desire to adopt rather than enduring childbirth. Especially after I married into a family of VERY large craniums...::shudder::
But I'd like you to notice something I've said, *MY PLAN*. I made these decisions, and then my husband & I made them, but if I were to be totally candid with you, I didn't really consult the Big Guy, I just assumed He was on board.

For the last while I've been undergoing lots of doctors visits, testing, and all kinds of fun stuff. Some of you know more than others about what all this entailed. It was hard, it was defeating, and it was absolutely terrifying at times. There were times when the possible diagnosis' would have meant we wouldn't be allowed to adopt in many countries, and for those of you that know anything about adoption, the more open you can be, the better. It's a grueling experience, totally worth it, but heart wrenching and heart warming all at the same time. Anyway, there were weeks and months even that I wasn't sure I'd ever get to experience the joys of motherhood. The doctors told us our chances of conceiving a child were minimal to non-existent. I took this news well, considering it proved my adoption plans were the "right path for us anyway". So we soldiered on. We kept making plans, for us, by us.

Then God rocked. my. world. I won't bore you or gross you out with the details, but things led to me peeing on a stick. I barely paid attention to it because, well, that wasn't for us, it was merely a step I could assure the doctor I'd taken. When I bothered to glance at the test I was *completely* stunned to see the word Pregnant with out the Not preceding it! I stood there for what seemed like hours, shocked. Then I quickly went through more tests waiting for one to give me the right answer. Silly, I know, but I just couldn't wrap my head around this miracle.
I was shocked, overjoyed, bewildered...and so ridiculously giddy.

reactions...

2011-07-20T12:16:00.000-06:00

     Have you ever noticed that when you tell people something new or exciting 60% of those people don't congratulate you or bask in the awesomeness of your new adventure, they go on a seemingly never ending spew on what could go wrong. Adoption has proved to be no different. I've planned on adopting my whole life, and no one really cared or paid any attention when I was making such claims at five years of age. But now that I've reached the age that most people think the hubs and I should be starting a family, the questions--demands have begun. When I explain what type of child I hope for, people get this quizzical look, but how? As if the *only* way to procure children is through ones own body. You can't help but laugh. Laugh, that people still have such limited views of what make a family. Laugh, that people think every woman desires to host a fetus in their body for nine months. Laugh, that as a society we still fail to see that we've *all* been charged to care for the widows and the orphans.
     Once we've moved past the perplexed look, the one after I announce I willingly choose adopt my children rather than birth them, that's when reactions really start to change. The ones I love the most are the ones that mirror the reactions of my best friends, the jittery excitement, the genuine desire to be a part of my future children's lives, the absolute inability to contain their overwhelming joy. That's my favorite reaction, it warms my heart and my soul, and it makes me know I've done well in choosing those in which to surround myself.
     There's also the mediocre response, the, "Oh, adoption..." Those are the people that don't really know what to say because they don't understand adoption, they've never considered it, they've never known anyone adopting or adopted. So they stutter, and they smile, and they tell you that's awesome. I can appreciate these people, because I feel that way sometimes around pregnant women, or in a room full of mothers discussing poop, and nap times--I've got nothing to contribute because I'm not there and I don't want to say the wrong thing.
     The absolutely most heart-wrenching reaction though, is the automatic launch into adoption horror stories! Mostly the pity I feel for the person talking, not ourselves. Now, I know from experience this dooms day reaction is not only for adoption, I've heard equally horrific accounts for birthing, and world travel, and even mission work. So please don't think that I believe this reaction is solely a burden for hopeful adoptive parents. It's more of a plea, if you know me, or you know someone that is in the process of adopting or considering adoption, hold back the horror just to have something to say. For every story you want to tell me about the families you know that have behavioral problems with their adopted children, I'll give you ten more of biologically born children that are just as bad if not worse. When you warn me that kids from a certain country are destined for problems I'll give you countless examples of children I know from that country that are happy and healthy and belong to amazing families.

I'll tell you that no family is guaranteed happiness. I'll tell you no parent is guaranteed the perfect child. I'll tell you that no matter what, family is never traditional. I'll tell you that only those willing to be helpful & supportive will be allowed to be a part of this family. I'll tell you, I hope you want to be that part, but if not, I understand. And then I'll kindly ask you to leave...

when dreams hurt...

2011-07-13T00:06:00.001-06:00

Last night i had a dream. i don't dream often, or remember them, or whatever. But last night i did. I dreamed that my husband and i were given our referral child for two days as a trial run. now i know that is *not* the way things work, but it did in this dream, so we'll roll with it. this orphan we received, it wasn't the child i see when i picture our future children, for starters it was only one, but i was instantly in love! he had my full attention every moment of each day, he was "ours". i fell headlong, over the top, crazy, unconditionally, in LOVE with this child.
and then we had to return him.
not because the trial period went badly, but because we weren't ready to complete the adoption. we didn't have an actual room for him, we didn't have all the finances lined up, it was TERRIBLE. i felt my soul had been ripped from within! i sobbed for days...i actually woke up sobbing. i spent the day mourning an orphan that was a figment of my imagination.

i feel this is the beginning of my life. adoption & orphan care has been emblazoned on our hearts & we're about to jump head first into it!

i don't know what to title this one...

2011-03-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

Once again she pulls it out from the back of the drawer. The box is covered in dust, which is a good sign, but she wonders if it will ever cease to taunt her. She slides the lid off the warn box & its contents shines in the light. She sighs, frustrated that she’s once again succumbed to the pull of the contents of this tattered cardboard box. She gets that tingling of desire as her fingers reach into the box. She pulls the tiny blade from within & every fiber of her being wants to drag it across her skin like old times. To feel it as it reaches deeper separating skin from skin. She knows it’s a sick & twisted desire, but it’s a desire none the less. She sighs. This simple piece of silver was a best friend to her for years. It never failed to be there for her, to be by her side when no one else was. It was a comfort when her life had to be hidden from the rest of the world. It provided solitude. Shaking her head, as if such a simple action would loosen the thoughts threatening to strangle her sanity, she flipped the blade over in the palm of her hand. So many memories swarmed through her head. Her hand fluttered out grabbing a chair to help steady her. Those damned memories! Those are the moments that drove her to this piece of metal to begin with. The times in life when curling up in a little ball of protection never helped. It was these memories that corrupted her soul & shattered her person. She held the cool metal between her fingers and wondered if she would ever be whole again. She always tried to keep it together but right now, here, alone, she broke. She broke like she had so many times before, screaming out in pain & anger to the God that had cradled her so many times before. But sometimes in her weakest of moments her anger outweighed all common sense and she begged for a different life, a different past, for different memories. She shuddered as the sobs, they racked her body, and those wretched memories ravaged her mind. How did she get here? When did that control she’d fought for her entire life escape her grasp? She choked on her own tears as she slipped from the chair to the floor. How had so many years passed and yet she was still so broken? How did the smallest of gestures make her insides shudder and quake like a helpless child? She let the waves of pain and agony sweep over her body. She knew it was pointless to fight the tears once she let that first one fall it seemed like forever before she could pull it together again. She knew the process, she would cry, uncontrollably, until she had cried herself to exhaustion. Then she would pick herself up. She would slide that shiny blade back into its box of protection placing it delicately it in the back of the drawer hiding it, protecting it, from the world.

Inside the Mind of a Half-Marathoner...

2011-02-16T00:37:00.002-07:00

...or at least *this* half-marathoner. so Sunday, February 13, 2011 I ran my first half marathon, the Rock N Roll Mardi Gras Half Marathon!

Mile 1 – Crossed the starting line. Wow these people are pretty hyped. It’s cold yo.

Mile 2 – What?! Mile 2?? They were right, the adrenaline totally took care of mile one! I *never* even saw mile one! This is going to be a breeze! Ooh, water, sweet!

Mile 3 – Dude, I totally just finished a 5k! Oh, crap! That means I still have…why am I even *trying* to calculate that? We all know I suck at math…and math while you’re running?! That’s just ludicrous! We’ll just say I still have a long way to go. “You got dis!” I love looking down & seeing that! Knowing my best friends are cheering me on!

(i totally just realized that perseverance was misspelled on my arm! ha!)

Mile 4 – Wow, that guy looks like Jace…whoah! That is Jace! And Jan! And Jerry! Aww, Cohen’s got a sign! Who’s that girl yelling my name? IT’S MITZI!!! Aww! This is awesome! I really thought Emily would have already passed & they’d have moved on..but it’s SO great to see familiar faces! Why did I tell Mich & Adam to stay at the finish line? Ah, oh well. I have officially completed one lap around the lakes! Woot! Woot! Was that a toenail? DID I SERIOUSLY JUST LOSE A TOENAIL!?! Well, there’s not a red spot on my shoe…maybe I’m just being paranoid, but my toe really hurts. IS THAT BLOOD? No, just a shadow. Ooooh, Creole Creamery! Dang it, now I’m thinking of their Salted Caramel ice cream mixed with their Mexican Hot Chocolate! Ugh, ice cream isn’t all that appealing after all…

Mile 5 – “Stacey’s mom has got it going on!” Man, this song makes me think of Yecats! This is a great song to run to. Ah, look another band...maybe if my headphones weren’t in I could hear them, oh well, I put a lot of thought into this play list & I’m loving it so far.

Mile 6 – Only SIX?! Well, I guess it makes sense…six *does* come after five, but still! Run with perseverance Heb 12.1 Ahh, thanks, God, way to throw me one! Linkin Park! This reminds me of running Hwy 19 with Nita! If I didn’t have a million miles left I’d totally sprint to this song! What? Callabria, it’s like Mich is here too! Awesomesauce! This might just be the best mile yet! Aww, there’s the family again! How do they have so much energy? Oh, yeah. I’m almost half way! Why am I crying? Pull it together, Tricia, you still *have* halfway!

Mile 7 - Look! That’s Emily! She seriously just back tracked *just* to cheer me on & tell me I’m doing a great job? I love that girl! Yet, if it weren’t for her I wouldn’t even be out here! Ha! Next year, I’m totally NOT telling Adam to stay at the finish line. How did I underestimate the encouraging power of seeing familiar faces along the route? Wait, did I seriously just think “next year”?! I must be hitting the delirious stage. Mmm, I smell hamburgers! Who would DO that? That’s so cruel! God, if you could make these boobs just fall off right now, I’d totally appreciate it! No, really… I can’t believe I’m almost on mile nine!

Mile 8 – Mile eight!?!? Ughgh!! I swear I’d already passed eight! Are you kidding me? This sucks! I’m *never* going to finish this! Ha! I can hear April telling me I have to stay positive! Ah, April, I’m so glad she warned me about this whole mental destruction. Oh, my gosh, I can’t believe I’m only on mile eight! Jeeze, it’s really loud under the overpass! Is that guy seriously street sweeping that parking lot? It’s like a huge dust ball under here! Stupid head. Gah!

Mile 9 – No, really, this sucks! I’m never going to finish this! And my time is just getting worse & worse! Why did I sign up for text alerts so that everyone can see just how terribly I’m doing! (I’m hearing April’s reminders to stay positive) “Let me tell the story, I can tell it all about the mountain boy who ran illegal alcohol…” aww, Papa used to sing that song all the time. I’m. Never. Going. To. Finish. This. Race. Hmm, maybe I should pray a bit…I’m seriously beating myself up here. Hey God, I could seriously use some help here…
Stand In the Rain by Superchicks is playing now..Thanks, God, I really needed that! ::tears:: Maybe I’ll make it after all…

Mile 10 – MILE TEN!!!!! I only have a 5k left! I. Can. Do. This. I can totally do this! Alright, Tricia, time to pick up the pace! Another song with whistling in it! That always makes me think of Adam…like he’s right here cheering me on! Gosh, I love that man! He’s been so supportive during all this training..he even encouraged me to get in miles when I didn’t want to, just because he knew it would make me feel better! Gah! *Why* do I keep tearing up!? Are they seriously handing out Mardi Gras beads?! Who wants to run with Mardi Gras beads on? Crazy. Dude, I’ve got some serious blisters going on these feet!

Mile 11 – Water! Is that water boy eating a bag of chips? Dude, I could really eat those chips…if I push him over & steal his chips would that be a bad thing? I mean *I* am the one running a half marathon here...just saying. God, remember when I asked you to make my boobs fall off? I really meant that…my back is *killing* me! Did you know I wore like four bras today!? Holy moly! I’m PASSING people now! Move outta my way! Trix is coming THROUGH! God, you totally keep playing the right songs at the right moment! Thanks!

Mile 12 – Can’t touch, this! Da na na naaah! Ha ha ha!!! I totally forgot I put this song on my playlist! Ha ha! I wish I could hammer time WHILE walking, that would be sweet! What’s that smell? FRIED CHICKEN? Oh. My. Gosh. I have never wanted fried chicken so badly in all my life! Water! That means I’m at 12.4 that means I’m so close! Why is that girl stopping to sit? Doesn’t she know how close we are?? Wow, these blisters really hurt!

Mile 13 – Oh. My. Dang. I just did THIRTEEN MILES! Why can’t I see the finish line yet? You’d think that you’d be able to SEE .1 miles...or is it .1 mile? Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m almost done! This is crazy! I’ve almost completed a HALF MARATHON! I can hear the finish line! Did that man just fall!?! Do I stop? No, he’s got people with him, whew! Is it selfish I didn’t want to stop because I wanted to keep my time to a minimum? I’m pretty sure that’s terrible…
Hey! There’s Jess!

.1 – Wow! This is exhilarating! There’s Adam! And Mich! Cory, April! Seester! Gabe! Oh my gosh! Adam made me a poster! Holy crap I’m sobbing! I just finished a half marathon! I seriously can’t stop crying! Did Adam just say he was proud of me? I didn’t think I could cry any harder! I’m starving. I’m tired..boy do these blisters HURT. My MEDAL! (more tears) aaaand photo time! FOOD!

Official Time: 3:55:

a runner's best friend! 3am...

all ready! 5am

Encouragement...

Seesters!

Sisters (in-law) after Emily's AWESOME accomplishment of 26.2 miles in 5:14:56!

We even have the same shoes!

So. Close...

Run, Run!

finish line in sight!

when my heart aches...

2011-01-30T23:47:00.000-07:00

i'm 99.9% sure that i'm incapable of birthing a child. and some days that just kills me. some of you may be shocked by this statement because you know i'm not exactly signing up to endure childbirth. and it doesn't drive me crazy for the reasons you may think. my feelings haven't changed about birthing. i know some people live for it, think it's the most awesome thing in the world, but i don't. to be honest it kinda grosses me out. God's been working on my heart since i was, oh, about five to adopt. it's a passion, it's *my* "most beautiful thing"...but sometimes i just...wish. it. were. easier.
i'm *so* ready. i'm ready to be a mom. i'm ready for the tiny feet pounding down the hallway to be running into *my* arms. i'm not divulging this information for you to feel sorry for me. i don't feel there is anything to feel sorry for. my life hasn't exactly been the one that traveled down the easy road. in my twenty-seven years i've endured some terrifying things...but i've never allowed myself to be defined by my trials, and i won't allow anyone else to do it either. i'm not a victim, i never have been.
it's just, sometimes, it want it to be easier (and yes, i realize that's the second time i've said that). but i know me, and i know God knows me. and He knows i'm the kinda person that has to have it the hard way so that i learn..so i'll appreciate the view from the top.
this doesn't mean i don't cry along the way. it doesn't mean that i don't wish i could just "accidentally adopt" like people accidentally get pregnant.
::sigh::
here's my plea. as my friends, and as my family, i need you to make an impossible promise. i need you to promise me you'll still be there. when my lifelong dream finally comes true & one day down the road we bring those precious little toddlers into our family, i need you to promise you'll still be there. i need you to promise you'll love them just as fiercely as i already do. but in the mean time i need your prayers. pray for our hearts as they are broken everyday we wait for everything to fall into place. pray for us not to settle on anything less than what God has planned for our future family. pray that i can be open & honest on this journey. pray that i can make myself depend on each & everyone of you when i need to instead of burrowing deeper into myself like i'd often rather do.
but i beg of you, don't lecture me. don't tell me the joys of childbirth & babies because i can promise you we don't see eye to eye on that. we know what we want, what God has laid on our hearts & we're going after it full force. i know that some of you won't understand our decision. some of you will think we're considering adoption only because we have to, but that's not the case. adoption is a calling, we totally understand that. and we're following that calling, no matter how long it may take...but i know i'm going to need tons of prayers along the way, pretty sure we both will...are you up for the challenge with us?

It's The Little Things...

2010-12-14T23:38:00.001-07:00

It's the little things, I tell my husband this all the time. Don't spend money on me...just tell me why you love me, or fold & put away the laundry, or bring home Starbucks (yes i know that's money, but not a lot). It's the smallest things in life, the laughter, that I love & cherish, that makes me feel whole...
So me & God we've been having some rough times these last few months. I'm struggling with getting my spiritual feet under me. And I don't like it one bit. I've been angry & hostile and hurt...and I don't really know how to communicate it to Him. Before you say it...I *know* He knows my heart & I don't need to physically communicate it to Him...but *I* need it. I need to feel loud and heard and expressed! Instead I feel lost, and misunderstood, and lonely.
and it sucks.
I realize that as we grow both physically & spiritually we sort of wean ourselves off of dependency...but if I were honest, even at 27, there are times when I just want my Mama to make me soup & take care of me when I'm sick. Yeah, you heard me, and I bet most of you have been there too. Well, I'm totally there with God. I just need a little Trix/God time and I just kind of felt abandoned by Him. Don't get me wrong He has totally proved himself over & Over & OVER again...so I don't really have grounds for feeling abandoned, but I still do.
This weekend we participated in a 2 mile race in LaPlace. It was a blast we had fun with friends & family. We enjoyed a park full of Christmas lights & after waiting two hours for dinner, enjoyed the best burger I've had in a long time. On our way home, the hubs realized his pockets did not contain his wallet. He got *really* upset. We called his brother & sister-in-law to check their swagger wagon just in case it fell out in there somewhere--no luck. The hubs was SO upset! (bear with me, this tangent will tie in in just a moment, i promise) I did my best to calm him down. I explained the credit cards hadn't been used. His license wouldn't be too bad to replace, etc. That's when he told me why he was really so upset...his wallet contained my Christmas present. My heart fell...not for me, I mean, he could give me a hug for Christmas & I'd be happy...but I know how much gift giving brings joy to HIM. And the fact that he already had my gift (he loves the thrill of last minute shopping) was touching. And my heart ached *because* his heart ached! My bro-&-sis-in-law are great. They searched for that wallet for two days with no luck.
I was so upset for the hubs, and I kept praying that I'd walk outside and the wallet would just be lying there in the open, somewhere we should have seen it but hadn't. no luck. I just kept praying, "God, PLEASE, can you just let me find the wallet, please?!" I was so frustrated that I was helpless. Not to mention the fact that I was humbled by begging the Big Man for such a minute thing when I've been so hurt & angry with Him on my own behalf. That day my sis-in-law came into town we had lunch & after lunch I asked her if she'd mind me going through the swagger wagon afterward "just to be sure". By this point I'd given up any hope of My-Man-With-The-Holy-Bicep making the wallet magically appear. I dejectedly looked in the back of the van...then got down for the final sweep and lo-and-behold!!!! I have never seen a more beautiful brown IN. MY. LIFE. There it was...his wallet...just chillin. Sitting there wedged between the seat & the wall THE WALLET! I was *so* excited to be able to tell the hubs I'd found his wallet!
Yeah, so, that was the little thing. The little thing God used to let me know He hasn't abandoned me. I can't say that I'm completely out of the funk, or that I'm magically not angry & frustrated with Him right anymore....but I know He's patiently waiting for me to connect the pieces & come back where I belong. I love that He knows me like that. I love that He molds me. It's the little things...

Sometimes...

2010-11-15T23:46:00.000-07:00

Cut my skin and I bleed, just like anybody. And I want and I need, as much as anybody.
Sometimes I cry but doesn't everybody?
I have secrets, I have scars as deep as anybody. I have fears no one hears, but don't tell anybody.
Sometimes I lie, but doesn't everybody? Sometimes, doesn't everybody?
I know that sometimes I end up running wild! Fearless like a little child, but tell me, doesn't everybody?
Sometimes. Doesn't everybody? Sometimes...
Well I stumble and I fall, just like everybody. Try to walk before I crawl, but doesn't everybody? Wish I could fly, but doesn't everybody? Sometimes. Doesn't everybody...?
I know that sometimes I end up running wild, I feel just like a little child but tell me, doesn't everybody, sometimes...? Sometimes...

Melanie Horsnell - Sometimes

candid...

2010-11-15T13:57:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

so i'm a little pissed right now. at least frustrated! i have these things i want in my life...things i *know* You've placed on my heart. but it all seems so very out of reach--for me. everyone else? they're getting all the things my little heart longs for. and right now i'm just broken. i don't really know how i can express these feelings verbally, but i know You know. i'm angry & i'm tired of pretending i'm not. i wish You were physically *here* so i could yell at You & then listen to You tell me just how dumb i'm being. in the meantime i feel as though i'm just lost here doing my best to keep my head above the waves, but i'm getting tired...so very tired.
You know what i long for. i'm trusting that Your plan *will* work out & i'll see (once again) that Your plan was in motion all along.
can i also ask You, while i'm just rambling here, to help us find a church home? i'm a little burnt out on that whole situation. i've just been really disappointed with churches & people here so far. i feel like we can *go* to church but we can't *participate* in church & You know that's not my game. i need to be a part, to be active. gah!!! it's all so frustrating!!! and i don't feel that i can talk to anyone about it. i don't need their opinion, i just need to vent & be done. so You get the earful, which is probably better anyway, since REALLY it's Your opinion & Your help i'm trying to seek out here.
i'm a little burned out right now. and i don't feel like putting the effort out. i'm tired. i feel like i've lost me in being who they needed me to be...and it hurts. a lot.
maybe you could just shake up our life a bit? move us across the world? to live in a hut somewhere? i'd be down with that. at least just move us from here? please? i need to be able to breathe again. i need to feel You & I are close again, besties. so i'm telling You now...from this point on, i'm going to focus on focusing again. and i'm looking forward to one of those God-hugs You like to surround me with!
thanks,

trix

There's A Life Outside Of This Madness...

2010-10-16T23:59:00.000-06:00

there's somthing about live music that just touches my soul...it opens me up & frees me. it always has. music has always been an escape from the world for me. the downside that sometimes it makes me feel too safe.

tonight i discovered that the combination of live music and darkness is the perfect combination to get me to spill many of the secrets i keep. if i had put that together, say, fifteen years ago, i would have saved thousands of dollars in therapy! Turn on some good music, turn off the lights, & i'll spill my soul to you. great.

i went to the Balloon Festival in Natchez, MS with some very good friends of mine. they are great people. amazing really. always there when i need it, often when i don't even know i need it. but i still like to keep my secrets. sometimes it's because i don't feel i deserve to feel hurt, or angry, or much of anything really. but there's something about good music & the dark that just crumbles my walls of protection & i can't stop talking despite that voice screaming in the back of my head telling me i'm talking too much. the thing about the darkness is just how much it hides. you can't see the judgment on people's faces. you can't see pity in their eyes. i'm not saying that these friends i over shared with tonight experienced either of those things...but that's what i fear regardless. and now i feel overly exposed. naked. and i don't really know what to do about it. how do you look a friend in the eye after they've accidentally seen you naked? how do you look them in the eye & talk to them as if they have never seen your most intimate thoughts & feelings? how do you...?

never gonna happen...

2010-10-14T23:30:00.000-06:00

if i were to be honest i don't know how many of you have a person in your life, or more than one in some (my) cases, a person that destroyed who you were. that destroyed everything you had. shredded the tiny, tiny threads you clung to to keep your life from unfraying before your eyes. one of those people has somehow managed to try and weasel himself back into my life. it's not the first time. but everytime it's just as hard. i'm left feeling vulnerable, scared, & confused. i. hate. feeling. vulnerable.
i've spent my life fighting against being vulnerable. but this guy. this guy that ruined my life...he won't stop. everytime i think its safe he tracks down some form of contact & tells me we should talk. i don't *want* to talk. i don't *want* ANYTHING to do with him.
for...give...ness
it's been given because i *had* to forgive to move on. to repair my life. to repair my soul. but i will NEVER forget the damage he did. the pain & anguish that my entire family dealt with because of him. and i will not allow him back into my life. ever. again.
i've told him such. time. and time. and time. again.
he doesn't care. it's like he's getting off on torturing me at the very moment i feel safe. the instant i forget & put it all behind me. I. WANT. IT. TO. END. a thousand times over i want it to end! i'm so tired of this battle. of this recurring nightmare.
i just want it to be over...

Sometimes God Reminds Me...

2010-09-14T22:18:00.001-06:00

Sometimes, God reminds me it's not about me. my last post was intense, it was raw, and unfortunately it was real. i realize that all the people in my life aren't or weren't aware of many of those things until that post. i put it out there, selfishly, i needed to be free. even more selfishly though, there are very few people i could go in depth with to describe, explain, relive those experiences with. i was humbled by the outreach i received from that post. of the love & support bestowed upon me by those i love...even those i haven't had the privilege to meet yet.
a first time visitor to my blog (Mandy) read it and used it. she was impacted because God chose to give me the life He did, the experiences that triggered that blog. she saw that i was using my blog, my random confessions as a form of catharsis. she took that back to her blog (this is why i love the blogosphere!) and she opened her comments section to anonymous confessions by asking readers to finish this sentence: "What if I told you....". if i'm honest with you, my first thoughts were incredibly conceited. i was a little excited that someone, and someone with a larger blog, chose my words to use and to take further. that vanity lasted only a few short moments, because then i began to read. and i began to cry. comments were pouring in, and they were heartbreaking. i don't think anyone involved expected the magnitude of confessions that ensued. but they were honest, and they were raw. and somewhere hopefully God was being let in to heal these weary souls. if you are a person that believes in prayer & healing, i urge you to pray for these people. if you're emotionally capable i ask you to visit Mandy's blog & read through the comments to pray specifically for each broken heart that has opened up these last few days and i ask you to do so judgment free.
if you are one of the people that needs an anonymous place to reveal a burden, i would greatly suggest using Mandy's open call for anonymity. it's cathartic, it's a sigh of relief, it's a place to see you're not alone.
because of so many things i went through as a child i had some serious issues growing up. one of those issues was depression. but so many people didn't know about so many parts of my life that they never understood why i was depressed, they didn't understand what was going on. the worst thing i ever heard...and i heard it *a lot* was, "there are people worse off than you". yup, it still makes me feel like crap. it is true that there are people out there going through things worse than myself...however, *they* didn't even know what i was going through at the time. all i needed was somewhere safe to let it all out. i never had that place...i was never allowed to be transparent. but Mandy has offered an open call. a safe place to let things go if you need to, to make a confession you might not otherwise make. i encourage you to stop by MandyThompson and let it out, or stop by and pray.
sometimes, God reminds me that i went through these things, that my life was not easy, for a reason. because He wanted to use me. because He wanted to show me that even a screwed up kid like me had a purpose in this world. that someday my story could help someone else...if only i'd let Him.
thank you all for your support, prayers, & love.

What If I Told You...

2010-09-12T23:35:00.003-06:00

What if I told you...
that i'm scared to be alone.
What if I told you...
I learned to use my sexuality as a tool for control.
What if I told you...
i grew up way too fast.
What if I told you...
my two best friends saved my life without even knowing it.
What if I told you....
i knew too much about sex too early.
What if I told you...
i used to hate Jesus.
What if I told you...
i never thought I'd live to be twenty-seven.
What if I told you...
i started cutting when i was five.
What if I told you...
sometimes i still want to.
What if I told you...
i hate personality tests.
What if I told you...
i always wished you cared more.
What if I told you...
i just wanted you to get along with each other.
What if I told you...
i didn't believe in marriage for years.
What if I told you...
your offhanded racist comments make me lose respect for you.
What if I told you...
those very comments make me fear my future children spending time with you.
What if I told you...
how much hate i used to have in my soul for his destruction on my family.
What if I told you...
i was always afraid i'd be the one to find her cold lifeless body.
What if I told you...
i wish he was still in jail.
What if I told you...
i still hate the men that destroyed me.
What if I told you...
there are some people i still can't forgive.
What if I told you...
church often makes me feel worthless or not good enough.
What if I told you...
music used to be my only escape.
What if I told you...
i used to pray that i would be turned into a mermaid.
What if I told you...
i thought it was my fault she was so unhappy.
What if I told you...
i'm glad he died.
What if I told you...
i was scared for my life, many times.
What if I told you...
how much showing weakness scares the hell out of me.
What if I told you...
i hated being "the white girl".
What if I told you...
i dread seeing him at my high school reunion.
What if I told you...
i still have nightmares about you.
What if I told you...
i'd love to be famous.
What if I told you...
i used to think i might kill him.
What if I told you...
i've lived with crazy.
What if I told you...
i don't like country music.
What if I told you...
that smiling was, and sometimes still is, a registration of despair.
What if I told you...
laughter hid the pain.
What if I told you...
i used to hide money in my stereo just in case i had to run away with my siblings because of your lies.
What if I told you...
i hate DFCS with a passion.
What if I told you...
i used to have to carry a voice recorder in my back-pack due to his lies.
What if I told you...
i wish our relationship had been better.
What if I told you...
i still blame myself.
What if I told you...
i love hugs.
What if I told you...
silence petrifies me.
What if I told you...
my life is full of secrets you may never know.
What if I told you...
i never want to be easy to figure out.

What if I told you...?

My Story...

2010-09-11T01:44:00.002-06:00

I was a freshman in college. I didn’t know much, but I thought I knew everything. I thought was in love with a fool that would break my heart into a million pieces, on a million different occasions. For him, I would be that girl, the one that kept coming back for his lies & “love”. But on this day he was the furthest thing from my mind. It was September 11, 2001 and we had a soccer game in Atlanta, GA. I was going to get to see my family today, at least my mom, dad, & little brother.

Coach told us to meet at the rec center at 9:00 AM sharp…so I slept in and skipped my first class, it was excused, so why not? If you know me, I enjoy what little sleep I get, so of course I slept in till the last possible moment. I woke up, tossed on my warm up suite. It was black Adidas with white stripes up the sides, we used to joke we were mafia. I threw my gear in my bag & slung it over my shoulder. I walked the 3 minutes to the rec center. We had to be early. “Late is unacceptable, on time is late, early is on time,” every coaches rule.

I walked up to the rec center at 8:47 AM. Pickens, a player from the guys team met me on the street. “Games are canceled. Someone just bombed New York.”
I laughed at him. Like anyone would bomb New York. I realize that’s a pompous statement to make, but it seemed totally irrational at the time. In my lifetime we’d never had a battle on our soil and Pick wasn’t known for his seriousness. I brushed past him & waltzed into the rec center. Careless. Naive.

I stopped. The room was silent. Every eye in the room was turned to the tv in the upper right corner of the left wall. It was a tiny tv but you could see it. There was smoke everywhere. There was ash everywhere. My country was under attack. I stood in shock. We all watched as the second plane flew into the South Tower. My knees went weak, military friends & family raced through my mind. I watched as the smoke billowed and filled the screen. I listened to panic. I watched. Safe. I was safe on campus in a small town in South Carolina. I was standing, watching, as people were running panicked through streets of a city I loved. This was a city that captured my heart. And now, now my heart was wrenched, stuttering. We stood there as a team, united in shock, in fear, in unity. And we watched, and we listened. We listened to unsure reporters, to nine-one-one calls, we listened.

Obviously our game was canceled. No one knew for sure if everything was over. No one knew what the next target could be.

At 9:37 AM the news only got worse. They announced another crash. It was the pentagon. This was a city I knew. A place I’d been a thousand times. I’d spent countless summers exploring the glories of D.C. My uncle was career military. He’d spent his life protecting this country. He’d been a high ranking official. He had been stationed in D.C. for years, we visited every summer during that time. He was only retired a few years. This was getting closer & closer to home. It went from my Country, to my City, to my Family.

My Family!

I called my mom. I was crying. Sobbing if I’m going to honest. The lines were busy. I tried again. Busy. We were all dialing now. We all had loved ones to check in with. We dialed & we watched. We were all stunned.

There was another crash. There was more confusion. More silence. More frantic dialing.

I got through to my family over an hour later. I cried to my mom. I held the phone as if it were the last and only connection to civilization. We watched tv all day. News cast after news cast. We prayed. We cried. We were silent. We were united. We held hands. We held each other. We prayed.

I grew up that day. And I grew up quickly. I didn’t learn everything I needed to know in those harrowing moments. But I learned fear. I learned to lean on others. There was a burden that day that I could never bear alone. That our country couldn’t bear alone. We prayed. The power of prayer & unity was overwhelming during the next few weeks. As life slowly returned to some form of normalcy. As New York stood up & refused to wallow. We looked on in hope for the rescues, as miracle stories happened, as we prayed.

I grew up. I didn’t immediately see the guy I thought I was in love with was never going to be any good for me. I didn’t automatically learn to cherish my family. I didn’t start at that moment, on that day, to value every lesson I learned. I did learn to notice the small things, to value family, to cling harder to dear friends. It would be a long time before normal would ever become normal again. Before little things were really seen as just little things….

Calling All Music Lovers...

2010-09-06T23:29:00.001-06:00

so i'm not sure if this technically counts as a YOU:create creation...but music is such therapy to my soul & such an influence *in* my creations, i thought it only fair to include this concept as my (partial) creation this week...

My friend, Mattie, somehow missed, yet loved the idea of a CD swap awhile back. Where a few of you, my friends, put together CDs of your favorite tunes and swapped them (yes, some of you are still needing your copy, it's coming i promise :) )!
She thought it was a great idea! So now she's opening up the swap party to even more people. Here's what will happen.

1. Sign up! Sign ups will last until Monday, September 20, 2010. If you are interested in the participating in the CD Swap, e-mail your name and mailing address to odelmavintage@gmail.com.
With the request of Mattie's boyfriend, if you are a guy and would like to be paired with another guy, just say so in the email. Or if you have any other special requests, just let us know! (if you've already swapped with me, Tricia, but would like to join *this* swap as well, feel free!!!)

2. Start thinking of your favorite songs to put on a CD!

3. Once the sign up period is closed, Mattie and I will send you an email with another participant's name and address.

4. Send your CD to the name and address provided!!

Simple, simple! Who doesn't love new music and receiving goodies in the mail?

Mattie made a few buttons to put on your blog to spread the word. The more people, the more music to be shared!

<center><a   href="http://odelmavintage.blogspot.com/2010/09/calling-all-music-lovers.html"  target="_blank"><img border="0" alt="Odelma Vintage Blog"  src="http://i53.tinypic.com/4n9kz.jpg" /></a></center>

<center><a   href="http://odelmavintage.blogspot.com/2010/09/calling-all-music-lovers.html"  target="_blank"><img border="0" alt="Odelma Vintage Blog"  src="http://i55.tinypic.com/ivcthj.jpg" /></a></center>

What do you guys think?? Let us know if you have any questions.
{p.s. yes, i'm fully aware that is a mixtape graphic and not a CD :) }

More YOU:create creations...

2010-08-26T11:26:00.000-06:00

so i've been playing around with watercolors lately, as i shared last week...but i have this vision i want to create & i'm not quite sure *how* to accomplish the look i'm aiming for. So i've been practicing various techniques on a smaller scale until i get it perfect for my largest canvas yet. this image started out as a train wreck. i can't even tell you how close it came to decorating the garbage can & never premiering for YOU:create but i just kept adding colors & features. then...i got truly inspired!

i made the camera with strips of newspaper, did a translucent grey wash, then added some shimmer & rock salt for the 'flash'...then layer it with a picture of one of my favorite nephews...

i was also lucky enough to find this word in the newspaper...so, i might have over done the shimmer...but that just proves why GOOD. LIGHTING. is imperative to good artwork:

then there is the self portrait i've been working on for years...taking a break from watercolor while delving back into the world of graphite & charcoal. still unfinished. shocking.

and those are my creations for this week! i'm really loving the inspiration that YOU:create provides for me! I've already started next weeks project...and while not watercolor related, it will be fun!!

YOU::Create ...

2010-08-19T16:33:00.001-06:00

My friend Sara has instituted this amazing concept You:Create on her blog...it's been going on for six weeks & i've been too intimidated to post anything but perusing everyone's crafts and creations definitely had me creating at home! so now here are all my creations at once...sorry, Sara ;)

This first one was actually inspired by my nephew, you can read more about him here . One of the nights I was lucky enough to babysit him we were using his bathtub crayons to practice shapes...he ended up scribbling this little pic (I had to edit it a bit to darken the image so it was easily visible):

it kinda looked like a proud robot to me...I know, I see really interesting things. So I decided to try & recreate the image with watercolor:

Next up I was inspired by some of my favorite things...:

Then I moved onto a picture inspired by the BP Oilspill & a t-shirt I had seen in NOLA:

This one started out as a practice session of washes, I was experimenting with various shades of blue & how they would blend into each other:

Now that I had a little water color experience under my belt I moved onto some of my canvases. For this painting I used a variation of colors & washes, some iridescent coloring, & rock salt for texture:

Now this last one is possibly one for the a fore mentioned nephew...his mother asked for a non-girlie painting. However, we vary greatly on what we consider non-girlie, so I'll have to see what she thinks of this one:

Now, I just need to get inspired to get back to acrylics & finish a painting I have owed to our cousin Steph for about three years now...

Saying Goodbye...

2010-07-12T23:53:00.002-06:00

this has been a very difficult post to write, even more difficult to come to terms with. This past year or so i have had to come to some pretty disappointing realities about someone i not only loved, but probably put more faith/hope in than i should have. and now, i have to say...goodbye.

i recently went to see Toy Story 3 and i cried throughout the entire movie. not because this is a sad movie. not because it was a poorly made movie. i cried for the loss this movie brought to realization. you see Toy Story came out when this kid i'm talking about was around 3 years old. it quickly became his favorite movie. we watched that tape over, and over, and over. He would run around in his diapers, red cowboy boots, and his Buzz Lightyear toy telling you, "I love you to 'affinity' and beyond," at the top of his little lungs.

This little guy, while eight years younger than me, came to hold a very special place in my heart. He was a precious kid, innocent and kind. he fell in love with the preacher's daughter at 5 years of age...even though she was an older woman. he was cute & tender. often telling you how much he loved you, or quoting "Luke, I am your father" until you thought you'd die! he made up songs in his carseat, my all time favorite being "Butterfly" sung in his precious toddler voice. when i got my computer for college the first recording i did on it was him singing the "Faw-mer Anna Dell"...it played everytime my computer turned on. it was a precious piece of home, of hope, that was dear to me while i was away.
while i was in college this cute kid evolved...he stopped playing soccer & kind of just lost drive in general. until one day he discovered skateboarding. we all thought he'd finally found that "thing". and it lasted for awhile...but not long enough. soon his friends turned less and less...savory. his grades crashed. i did everything i could to give him purpose...something to hold onto. i bribed him into creating study habits...to actually apply his genius to school. i called him as often as i could. i let him use my cell phone so he could text his girlfriend before he had texting on his own phone.
and then he started changing...i didn't know why in the beginning, i just assumed it was the poison of the stagnant small town we grew up in. the sad part was he *became* the statistic of that small town. the guy that make bad decisions based on friends rather than his own intellect. he became a stranger. he started getting in trouble, a lot of trouble. he was stealing. he was lying, he was doing things he shouldn't. i wanted to believe him, i wanted to think the best. this was a kid i'd loved and mentored. i wanted desperately to believe he wasn't capable of making these terrible decisions. i needed to know that deep down he was still that innocent, precious, kid i'd watched grow up...

but then he made it painfully clear he wasn't. he got busted for drug use...and lied, again, that he'd learned a lesson. only days later making statements proving he wasn't sorry at all. he'd gone from being a leader in his youth group to posts bashing christians all together, claiming his hatred was for their hypocrisy & lack of acknowledging opinions that differ from theirs. all the while he was deleting any comments that didn't agree with him; ironic, eh? he'd lied. he lied to everyone. he lied to his family. he lied to the girl he claimed to love...
if anyone tried to call him out on his crap? he brushed them of, or, if they were lucky like me...he told them they were being a bitch.

that's when i realized, i'd lost the love i loved the most. the kid i loved had died a long time ago. there was nothing left of that boy anymore. something more sinister & cruel had taken hold of him & killed him. i had to mourn the loss of someone i cherished. i can only pray that someday i can celebrate in his return...rather than what i fear: that i'll end up mourning his actual death instead.

this kid i loved, he didn't grow up to be an Andy...instead he's grown up to be a Sid. now when i watch Toy Story, all three, i can't help but cry. i can't help but wonder what this kids life *could* have been. who he could have become. who he could have kept from hurting. but he doesn't even care anymore, about anyone that cares for him. he continues to put himself and those that love him in harms way....

and so i'm saying goodbye. the hardest goodbye of my life. goodbye to the guy i thought i knew. goodbye to the kid that had so much love & potential...he's long gone. i hate to think that my children will never meet this guy. they'll only ever hear stories of what he used to be. *who* he used to be. maybe things will change, but i'm not holding on to much hope for that anymore.

"who do you think you are?
running ’round leaving scars
collecting your jar of hearts
tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don’t come back for me
who do you think you are?"
Jar of Hearts, by Christina Perri

Goodbye, Kiddo...

The Raney Fort...

2010-07-01T21:26:00.004-06:00

Recently my friend Tam issued a challenge, the second annual fort challenge.
Why? well, because it's ridiculously fun! and who doesn't love stepping back into the shoes & mindset of a younger you? as soon as i read the challenge, i accepted! then realized i needed to get my husband on board as well...and let me tell you that was just plan difficult--NOT!
unfortunately i'm not so awesome as most of my twitter friends and i don't own a mac...or a flip cam...so i did my best with still shots & a short camera shot video of our fort building & completion.
And now, as many of you have requested....(insert drum roll) The Raney Fort! Start to finish:

we collected all the blankets we could find. thanks to my mom's knitting & crocheting we had TONS to work with!

We knew we'd need light...so that's where our fort started:

Then, the hubs got right to work stringing up...well, string!

We did a little rearranging of our living room furniture...even got my old crutches put to use:

Of course we put ourselves to good use as clothes pin holders:

Employed our pets to help us out when needed:

The start...you can see we're watching Foodnetwork's "The Best Thing I Ever Ate":

Progress! We've now incorporated the tv!:

One of our guard animals:

The Raney Fort in all it's SEVENTEEN blanket glory!!:

Guard cat #1 checking to make sure the hubs was an authorized visitor:

Welcome inside the Raney Fort (note the tv & our "table"):

A better view, the tv, computer, & our wet bar...what DIDN'T make it into this photo was our mini-blender (aka the bullet) for our mixed drinks of course!:

Closer look at our drink selection, shaker, & ice/beer chest:

The first frozen mixed drink of the Raney Fort

2.5 oz Pineapple Vodka

3 large frozen strawberries

4 frozen chunks of pineapple

Top glass off with pineapple juice

Blend

Voiola:

Dinner in the Raney Fort...and yes, we're watching "Wipeout" World Cup edition!!!

And of course, if you build a fort you need a place to sleep & well...have conversations:

Our view from the bed...we had to add a little ventilation after our first night in the fort when we realized working BOTH air vents into the fort was very cozy at night...but left the rest of the room quite stifling!:

the backside of our fort (you know the way to the "in-house"):

our first day of leaving the fort up we got vandalized...our guard cat was very angry upon being duped:

The Hubs as he was rebuilding the fort that evening:

Figaro helped...since he *was* the jerk that sabotaged the fort that very day:

And our very poor quality video footage of the Raney Fort:

I'd be remiss if i didn't add the photo's of the mini fort i made with my favorite sister-in-law, Emily's son aka: my precious nephew!

Where he loved to have Nan read him stories:

So, camping...

2010-06-28T00:50:00.001-06:00

Every year the hubs & i make sure to commemorate our wedding anniversary.

Our honeymoon (destination was a surprise to me, completely planned by the hubs) was to the Poconos, with side trips to Scranton & New York!

Our one year anniversary was to Disney World, can you believe my husband had never been?!? (well, he *went* but was only like 6mos old so it totally doesn't count!) And other than getting our car broken into I'd say that was an awesomely successful trip!

Last year, to celebrate our two year anniversary, we tried to incorporate some good friends! We decided on a trip to Colorado during Christmas time...but the friends we were going with ended up getting pregnant & their due date loomed around our trip time (turned out to be one precious baby!). Then we were going to hit up North Georgia (again around Christmas time) with the BIL & SIL...they were in the middle of an adoption process that moved quicker than anticipated. As you can probably guess, their first trip to visit my precious nephew was right around our vacation time. Sooo, the hubs & I decided it was high time to visit a good friend of ours up north & hit up DC while we were there!

This year, we're lucky enough to be celebrating three years! i know that to many of you that is nothing more than a drop in the bucket but we're pretty excited! (Only two years till Italy, right babe? ) Anyway...we're a bit shorter on funds this year than we have been in the past & we were tossing ideas around as to where we could go, what we could do...and we decided to do a wilderness trip this year! We're going to go camping! Hopefully with a side of hiking, kayaking, canoeing, or even white water rafting!

We're looking at the following places:

Nanthala Outdoor Center / Nanthala National Forest

The AT (aka Appalachian Trial)

Tybee Island/St. Simons Island/Cumberland Island

Montana (might be *too* cold for the time considering)

Oregon (again...we'll have to check on weather & stuff)

We'd *LOVE* to have friends join us on this trip! Whether for part of the time or the whole time! We're all about that old adage "the more the merrier!" We're pretty excited! we've got a good start on our camping gear but are always looking to improve the goods! So if you, or anyone you know is looking to get rid of some gear, PLEASE let us know!

What we've got:

we're hoping to find a tent along these lines a 3-man backpacking tent:

and of course some other things...hoping to be able to borrow a pack or two from my dad...of course we'll need a compass, etc! As i mentioned we're willing to take on hand-me-downs!
Also, we're looking for volunteers to join us or recommendations as to *where* to go! :)

Birthday Season!

2010-06-06T19:49:00.003-06:00

i love BIRTHDAYS!!! Especially mine...but any will do!

i realize cd cases are "outdated" but i LOVE my cd's they give me so much variety & i've out grown the two cases i have in my car right now!

i think gift cards are obvious! amazon will go towards books/my DSLR, the bux...well duh!, iTunes is always acceptable especially since i have $400 wish list going on!

i'm running out of paints! any colors would work...but variations of primary colors are the safest bet ;)

i *always* have a "craving" to watch Lion King and it's one of the Disney movies i don't own...and well Harry Potter speaks for itself...i have all the other ones

this just looks like my kinda game!

i *love* playing this game! hours of fun!

yet another game that provides hours of fun & education!

i mean, really?! how cool would it be to say you own "shot glass" game, really?!?

this is the dream item i'm saving up for now...well this and the iPhone4 :)

My Life As A Nomad...

2010-05-27T19:36:00.000-06:00

Hello friends! You may have noticed i've been absent from my blogging lately...but for those of you twitter/facebook friends, you know it's simply because i haven't been home for WEEKS! i'm most certainly working on post that will catch you up on all my adventures over the last few weeks. Since the majority of places i've been "visiting" haven't had internet or available computers i'v just been post-less ;)
this weekend is my leetle brudder's graduation weekend so i'm pretty much obligated to shower all my attention on him! ha ha ha! expect a catch up post later this week! and many more for this section of the Raney family is booked solid through the first weekend of July!! Thanks for the understanding!

OH! and just a reminder...THIRTEEN days till my birthday!! Get excited!

Nothing to Fear but Tears Themselves...

2010-05-07T02:26:00.000-06:00

one thing i've always hated is crying. i learned at a young age that tears wreaked of weakness. it gave others power...and well, i hate when others have power over me. i realize that's not exactly a christian mindset, but it's the truth. and i hate them...i hate breaking down, and i hate the feelings it brings crashing back.

I. Hate. Crying.

and yet i've been fighting off this feeling...an almost impending urge to cry. i don't know why. i couldn't begin to tell you what it is. i'm not sad, at least i don't think i am. but it pricks at my nose & my eyes begin to water and i fight it. i fight every second of it. refusing to let the tears build more than they have. refusing to give in, refusing to transfer control. and i'll continue to do it. to fight. to not cry...

have you ever...

2010-05-06T00:58:00.000-06:00

Have you ever had a time in your life that you felt, just useless? a time that you're not quite sure what God is up to, why He has you where He has you. and well, you just feel like poop. i'm there. i'm struggling to find where i fit. i've struggled with that alot here...but even MORE so lately. i feel inadequate, a failure, a fake. i've been jobless for almost six months now...and while i'd be lying to say i haven't enjoyed everyday of it. guilt consumes me when i know my husband is just as unhappy with his job as i was with mine...and he longs for the "fun" days i've had the benefit of enjoying. i feel guilty at the fun, i feel guilty spending money i'm not currently bringing in.
it's this time, the late hours that are the worst for my fragile soul. all the insecurities come screaming out! i'll be the first to admit that i don't harbor too many insecurities...but the ones i do possess bear such a tight gripe i don't know if i'll ever shake them...and of course that only leads to more fears.
what if i'm really not good enough? i realize that most people think there needs to be more to that question...good enough for what, or for who. But that's part of my problem. i don't really know what i fear not being good enough for...it's an evolving fear. what if i'm not a good enough daughter? what if i'm not good enough as a student? what if i'm not good enough as a wife? what if i'm NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH? when i lose my gripe on restraining these insecurities these questions berate me, and torment me.

what if people don't really like me? what if i'm a filler for something better? i realize this is crazy. i mean who wouldn't like me, right? but it creeps in slowly. slowly & painfully. it just chips away at my confidence & i become this bumbling mess. it's a tough place to be, a scary place. and there are only a handful of people in this world i can turn to in those times...and even knowing that it's hard, difficult to even turn to them when i know i need it. sometimes it's just convincing myself i need it.

i'm just there right now, blah. feeling worthless & forgettable. disposable...the most terrifying thing to me.

::sigh:: it'll pass i'm sure, it always does.

Scratch My Back, I'll Scratch Yours...

2010-03-23T16:17:00.001-06:00

So this week I developed an allergy. To what? One might ask. To which I would have to respond, GOOD QUESTION! I broke out in this rather large whelp-ish rash on my right side. A very ITCHY whelp-ish rash. I immediately began a regimen of applying cortisone anti-itch cream at the slightest sign of an itch so as not to re-live the days following the infamous days post the clean up of Abbah's yard!
So anyway, cortisone seemed to be working...the whelp-ish-ness was contained...for a few days that is! All of a sudden, the whelp started to spread & the itch became even more intolerable!
I called my mom to rehash what could possibly be happening! We went through the list have you change:
Shampoo? No
Body Wash? No
Laundry Detergent? No
Dryer Sheets? No
Deodorant? No
Eaten any strange foods? No
So on, and so on...but we haven't changed ANYTHING! I haven't been outside in any leaves or brush or anything! So after a weekend of endless itching...the Hubs finally drew the line & told me I would be going to the doctor come Monday. :(

The Whelp-ish-ness

So I hit up the doctor & got an appointment for 1:45pm...of course they can't pin point an allergy when you DON'T. KNOW. WHAT. YOU'VE. BEEN. EXPOSED. TO! Ughgh! So of course there's the steroid shot to get the swelling & itching to go down, a steroid dose pack, and an anti-itch cream.

Did I mention it's about 2:30 / 3:00ish by this time...and I, the self diagnosed insomniac is getting a steroid shot?

Needless to say I was WIRED, although the itching did subside a bit! Yay! Came home, made dinner, ate, the hubs went to bed...and I watched tv as is our normal routine. However, I NEVER GOT TIRED! And while that's not completely unusual but I usually get an inkling of tiredness! So I forced myself to go to bed around 11:45...and I laid there. And I tossed. And I turned. And I stared off into the darkness. I twiddled on my phone. Toss. Turn. Repeat. For FOUR AND A HALF HOURS!

That's when the Hubs alarm started, yes, started, to go off...and I began to Twitter the morning:

2:00 AM

That steroid shot the doc gave me is making it IMPOSSIBLE to sleep! :-/

4:15 AM

In fifteen minutes @real61's alarm clock is going to go off & I haven't slept *yet* ...this stinks! :(

4:30 AM

His alarm went off for six minutes without him even STIRRING! I can't wait to introduce @real61 to the Sleep Cycle App :)

4:37 AM

Three minutes this time...oi, @real61!

4:44 AM

Impressive, @real61! Not even a full minute that time!

4:49 AM

@real61's alarm started going off at 4:30 It's been off&on for almost a 1/2hr now..wondering what time this boy actually gets out of bed?

4:51 AM

Slacking again @real61 this time it took 2 minutes & some prodding before you hit snooze!

5:02 AM

@real61 it's 5:02 and you're still snoozing...I think that's not supposed to be happening :-/

5:07 AM

Just tried to wake @real61 he told me "it's only 5:09 by my clock, I got this, it should go off again in a minute"...& it did...wow

5:10 AM

Up and at 'em ol' boy! That's quite an impressive routine you got there @real61! Makes me thankful I'm usually sound asleep during all that!

5:13 AM

For some reason I've now got the Malcolm in the Middle theme song in my head ::sings:: "can you repeat the question?"

5:15 AM

I think @real61 was shocked to see me awake & chipper during *his* morning! May b the FIRST time I've uttered 'Goodmornin' w/out grouchiness

5:30 AM

Who knew @real61 used my hairdryer in the mornings?!? {8-o}

5:37 AM

@real61 *claims* that if I'd let him know just how awake I was @ 4:30 he might have altered his morning routine..ha!Good thing I knew better

5:59 AM

I think I might be getting a tad bit tired now!!! @real61 could you make sure I'm awake by at least nine?

Around six-ish I FINALLY fell asleep, and my amazing dear Husband did indeed make sure I was awake by 9:00 AM...so I'm trucking on around three hours of sleep & no coffee (Lent)...but it really hasn't been all that bad! But a warning...if you need a steroid shot, GET IT EARLY in the day!!!

sometimes songs say it all...

2010-03-16T23:44:00.003-06:00

Recently I was introduced to this amazing site called Noisetrade by Derek Webb. This is a site where artists can put their music up for free download (and also give you an opportunity to tip anywhere from $1-$8). Needless to say, the music lover in me jumped at the opportunity! Amazing music as cheap as, well free? Yes, please! AND I am given the opportunity to contribute to an artist...wow! I've been uber impressed thus far and have to say that I've obtained quite a bit of music. One artist I've particularly fallen in love with is Ben Rector...in particular his song 'Hank'. I am now a very proud aunt...and in May will be bestowed with aunt-ness again (even though I technically count that little bugger already!)...and even though this song is from the perspective of an uncle it just really hit home! Not that in either case it's 100% applicable...but the care & love are totally there on Aunt Trix & Uncle Awesome's side of things!
Check out the lyrics to 'Hank' by Ben Rector (and then go download it immediately!)

To a boy who looks just like his mother, who's a sister to her brother who sings this song to that boy from far away.
I am young but you are younger, till you speak more words than mumble, you'll have to lend an ear to everything I say.
So be kind and love your mother and your father, though sometimes they seem to bother, come my age and you'll know. That they're the ones who'll always love you and support you, they prayed for you before you stepped foot into this world. That's one thing that I've learned.
I remember you were walking, in a month I'll hear you talking. There's a million things I'd love to say to you.

Though your parents, they are wiser and will be better advisers, maybe hearing these things twice will get them through.
Go and find a girl for whom your love is selfless, someone who makes you helpless, to change the way you feel. But stay away from girls who always look so pretty, but who's hearts just aren't fitting for the man in you I see. Would you remember that for me?
When you find yourself alone in times of trouble, reach inside you and above you, there's nothing He can't heal.

If it is you do not end up with a brother, just call this older uncle, I can always lend an ear. Would you remember that for me?
Would you remember that for me? Oh...
Would you remember all these things?

oh my...

2010-03-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

i posted these lists on Friday August 11, 2006...and i've only managed to cross of two things...that's a bit depressing...

things i'd like will to do:
bridge jumping
sky diving
month long road trip
month long camping trip
work with 'innercity' kids
own my own horse
paint a huge life portrait
try trapeze
skinny dip in every ocean
bike the Flume Trail again

places i'd like i'm going to live:
New York
California; San Fran, Oxnard, LA
Colorado
North Carolina
Washington: Seattle
Louisiana
Texas
Montana
a boat
THE BEACH

placed i want to will visit:
Africa
Italy
Sweden
France
Hawaii
Alaska
Toronto

Choke me...

2010-03-08T00:05:00.000-07:00

choke me in the shallow water, before i get too deep...

What do you hope for?

2010-02-23T00:48:00.002-07:00

Another guest post at Just Another Raney Day! Check it out now!

How to Fry Running Shoes...

2010-02-09T17:02:00.001-07:00

Check out my guest post over at Just Another Raney Day on how to Fry Running Shoes!

Names have been changed to protect the persons involved...

2010-02-02T22:32:00.004-07:00

so recently (as in today) my sister-in-law totally called me out on slacking in my mad blogging skills here at my blog. #fail! And since I'm campaigning to guest post on her blog for a few weeks...I totally succumbed to the peer pressure & have to post a blog...about a rather embarrassing moment that happened to...a friend of mine... a few weeks ago.
Here you go Em:

This friend of mine, we'll call her Tracy, has recently quit her job & has come to understand things like bliss, happiness, & budgeting! One afternoon Tracy was chatting it up with her mother-in-law (MIL), who we'll call Janey. During this conversation Janey mentioned a broccoli salad she would be making for dinner that night. Tracy thought it sounded super tasty! Being the amazing MIL she is Janey told Tracy she would bring some down to her once it was made so that Tracy could try some! You see Tracy & her husband...Adlerm...live about 3/10ths of a mile from his parents so it wouldn't really be that far out of the way for Janey (Have I mentioned what a great MIL she is?) So with this great news Tracy headed home to prepare dinner for her own house.

::short amount of time later::

Tracy is home & had dinner well on it's way to being prepared when she realized her husband Adlerm should be home any moment. She started thinking about how supportive he had been in encouraging her to quit the job that made her incredibly miserable. How he was so excited about redoing the budget to proving just how fine they would be. You get the picture, eh? He's pretty much an amazing husband! In light of that Tracy spent the next few moments reveling in the awesomeness of her husband. Once Adlerm walked in the door she gave him a big kiss & they may or may not have retreated to the back of the house for a "conversation".

Ha! I bet i know what you're thinking! Tracy, what are you thinking!?!? Your MIL is supposed to be bringing you broccoli salad!! Why, WHY, would you choose THIS moment to have a "conversation" with your husband!? WHY!? Yeah.

Well, once their "conversation" was over that very realization came screaming into her own mind!
"Oh, crap! Adlerm! Your parents are supposed to be bringing a salad for me to try!"
Confused Adlerm, scrambled to the front of the house to see if his parents were at the door.
Whew! They hadn't made it yet. Tracy asked Adlerm to check her phone for missed calls and sure enough there was a missed call from the MIL so she called her back immediately!
"Janey, I'm so sorry I missed your call! You guys can come on down when..."
Janey interrupted her giggling, "Did you find the salad?"
Shock & sheer terror caught in Tracy's throat, "Find the salad?"
"Yes...we knocked on the door... ::hee hee hee::"
"Uh, yeah...um, we had gone to the back to do some stuff...well..."
"Well we weren't sure, we knocked loud enough that if you were in the front of the house, you would have heard us. We didn't want to interrupt anything! We never want to interrupt that."
Oh my gosh! Did she just say that?!? Does she KNOW we were "conversating"?!? Oh my! Our walls are NOT that thick! Surely she means something else, right? RIGHT?!?
Then Tracy's humiliation & worst fears were confirmed. Adlerm's father yells into the phone, (Tracy said it was hard to hear exactly what he said but it was definitely one of the following):
We didn't want to inturupt if y'all were getting busy!

We didn't want to inturrupt we thought y'all might be busy!
This of course was followed by lots of giggles on the in-laws side of the phone while Tracy died & crawled under the covers! Finally hanging up the phone she called to Adlerm to check the screen door (where his parents had said they left the salad). He came walking to the back with a look of horror on his face, "They came by?"
"Yup"
"Surely they didn't hear our "conversation" though, right?"
"I wouldn't be so sure" Tracy told him as she explained the conversation she just ended..."I don't think I can EVER face your parents again!"

So, THAT my friends is one of my, err, Tracy's most embarrassing moments. EVER. She has learned not to get distracted by her husband when he comes home from work. She has been OH so careful not to let it slip her mind when people say they are going to stop by. She just pretends that this whole situation just NEVER happened...even though many people, including her brother-and-sister-in-law, found it all too hilarious!

Winter Wonderland

2009-12-10T10:46:00.008-07:00

My friend Jessica Turner is doing a blog cookie recipe exchange...Mmm! here's my contribution!

Winter Wonderland

2lb White Chocolate
1 Box Golden Grahams Cereal
2 c. peanuts

(Add Craisins if desired!)

Melt white chocolate in double boiler or crock pot. Mix cereal & nuts (& Craisins) in large bowl. Pour chocolate over all mixing thoroughly. Pour all on cookie sheet lined with wax paper. Let stand until cool & chocolate has hardened...break apart & enjoy!

Keep Giving...

2009-11-30T22:41:00.005-07:00

Wow, it's been too long! how on earth have i gone so long without letting you know what i've been up to? well it is officially THE season...and while i've never really been a fan of THE season i've made a promise to the Husband this year to make an attempt to like Christmas. In doing so i've decided to compile a list of gifts that give back:

Kiva.org

Feed Just One

Trade As One

Give a Goat

Toms

SCL - Building a Kindergarten

Buy Shoes Save Lives

i'd love some feedback if you know of more! i'm really loving the idea of gifts that impact more than one person...

it's just...

2009-08-12T18:47:00.001-06:00

AUGHghghghghghhhhhh!

that is all...

Hugs...

2009-08-02T10:49:00.004-06:00

I'm not a person that usually seeks out human affection. I respect the personal bubble. If I trust you, I'll share a bit of my struggles from time to time...but for the most part I'm a fan of depending on myself. Lately, I've been a bit trapped & lost...and I have to say last night was a rough night for my soul.
but today...today i just have to share how much i love when God just forces you into a hug...just to let you know, "I'm here & i love you...stop fighting me." One of those hugs someone has to force on you while you're crying & fighting because you're so angry, and hurt, and lost...to the point you just can't see straight. you can't see the way...but God-hugs...they give you strength...He's not telling you He'll fix everything, He's just telling you, "I'm here, use Me; us My strength. I'm here." and i can collapse into Him, into my faith & love for Him...i can cry. i can release these soul cleansing tears & just be. even if for just a moment. and at that moment i am reassured I'm not alone. i am reassured that He's watching & guiding me to that place He needs me to be. it's refreshing & relieving. I love God-hugs & I'm so glad He knows when i so desperately need them.

trapped...

2009-08-01T22:22:00.002-06:00

i'm stuck. in a rut that my spinning tires only keep making deeper. i'm frustrated with life, work, church. i mean i couldn't be happier with my Man-With-The-Holy-Bicep. He's amazing & never failing & always, ALWAYS there for me, no question. but lately i've been having a lot of trouble with lining myself up with people. i have some pretty strong views, opinions, and education when it comes to God, traditions, and beliefs. the more research i do the more secure i become in what God is teaching me. i know God is constantly teaching me things...sometimes it's really amazing lessons that are fun to learn...but other times i'm not such a fan of His teaching methods until i'm well out of His learning curve.
i get really frustrated when i can't learn. and lately i've felt really stifled by my current church. and i don't really know what to do about it. there are some people that really frustrate me. from their ridiculous need to fit in; no matter who they have to belittle in the process to others refusal to respect my personal bubble. i just feel so suffocated, so smothered as of late...and i'm stuck because i don't know how to deal with this...how to get past it. how to removed the focus from my frustrations & transfer that focus back to the J-Man. i mean i KNOW i've dealt with this lesson before. when i was doing missions in Tahoe i got so caught up in trying to serve our supervisors that i lost track of serving God. He finally smacked the back of my head hard enough that He caught my attention...but right now i'm just lost. lost & trapped. i'm having a hard time trying to distance myself from the people that are twisting Christianity to suite their twisted truisms & it's making it really hard for me to allow myself to be aligned with them...to let people think i believe and/or support any of what their saying.

i don't know...this is just a ramble....i just feel so lost...so trapped...and i'm just searching for the buoy to latch onto so i can stop treading water in this storm & start seeing the hope...

Therapeutic...

2009-07-02T12:25:00.010-06:00

You know how certain songs can so sharply bring back a memory, a feeling, or even a scent? So violently snatching you from the present & taking you down a road to memories you thought you'd forgotten? The musical passage that lulls you into feelings you've disregarded for so long...that's what music does for me. Really, ask anyone, my most prized possession is not my car, or house, not a piece of jewelry...it's music. My collection of memories both good and bad...my therapy for life. My life is lived out through music. One can see where I've been, what i felt, what I've gone through...within my collection of records.
sometimes, like today i just like to reminisce...
today's soundtrack...

No Other Way - Jack Johnson
Funny the Way It Is - DMB
Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay
Real - Plumb
Birds - Kate Nash
Acoustic #10 - Goo Goo Dolls
Open Road Song - Eve 6
You Could Be Happy - Snow Patrol
Make This Go On Forever - Snow Patrol
Set the Fire to the Third Bar - Snow Patrol
Faith Enough - Jars of Clay
Catalyst - Anna Nalick
Much - Ten Shekel Shirt
Life Less Ordinary - Carbon Leaf
Round Here - Counting Crows
Your Winter - Sister Hazel
Jealous Kind - Jars of Clay
Ready for a Fall - PJ Olsson
Losing Grip - Avril Lavigne
The Road I'm On - 3 Doors Down
The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson
Do You Remember - Jack Johnson
Young Pilgrims - The Shins
Hundred - The Fray
When You Come Back Down - Nickel Creek
House of Memories - Ten Shekel Shirt

heartbreak...

2009-07-01T07:31:00.003-06:00

have you ever experienced something that cut you to the core? something that hurt so much it reduced you to nothing but a pile of sobbing tears? well i have recently. and while it is not the first time in my life...this one may just qualify as the most painful. the thing is i'm not really sure how to handle this whole thing, how to sort out my emotions, and how to move past it. i think the hardest part is that i can't exactly talk about it with anyone...and for once i really feel i need to. i feel as if i'm kind of flailing about right now...i guess i'm just asking for some serious prayer for this situation. i know you don't have a lot to go on as far as that prayer request is concerned...but if you could just pray for peace & solution i would totally appreciate it...

Starving...

2009-06-29T17:19:00.007-06:00

Recently i had an epiphany...not just a tiny little light bulb epiphany, this was more like a tornado warning siren. the grab-a-pillow-and-head-for-cover type epiphany. i've been taking small steps toward stupid. i've been starving and didn't realize it. starving...not so literal in the i-haven't-enough-to-eat context because, hello, i think i'd realize that a lot quicker. no, no, i've been starving spiritually. i let this happen, and because it was just a little at a time i didn't even know it until recently. i can't tell you how long it's been since i have looked forward to church. i had allowed myself to become content in the monatany of church "just because". i've accepted ignorance & slowly ignored things that i know aren't right. i've begun to just go to church. right now church just feels like a place to sit on sunday...this bothers me, i've never felt this way about church! i know i'm called to be INVOLVED. i know this, this is when God teaches me the most things. i guees i've been lucky that i've always attended a church i can give to as well as learn from. a church, no matter how cliche this will sound, that provided a family. a church that is focused on ministry, missions, & really discipling.
lately though i have felt severly alienated from church...which has only led me to let myself become alienated from God as well. and i gotta tell ya, that's a sucky feeling! i'm at one of the first churches that the more i try to involve myself the less welcome & less useful i feel.
so i'm sure you're asking what brought this mind boggling starvation epiphany on? what finally made me aware of how far off track i'd gotten...well, i'll tell you; i started listening to this guy and his podcast. he's like 29 and a pastor at this amazing church in montgomery, AL.
my sis-in-law was actually the one that "introduced" me to these sermons...and i must admit i was a little hesitant to just sit and listen to a preacher preach...but DUDE! this guy is so in love with God it's ridiculous. his sermons are so full of scripture and gut wrenching truth. i mean i listened to all of two pod casts and i was hooked! he had me thirsty for more...thirsty to research the verses he used. and, for once, not because said scripture was twisted to support some obsure southern baptsist truism. i was moved! i was enthralled! i was totally loving the Bible again! I'm eager to "go to church" again...albeit, podcast church. i only wish i were close enough to attend The Church at Brookhills. Or at least could find a church near by with the same love, vigor, & dedication to God & growing disciples. A new and reviving thirst is back. i'm excited to see what God has down this path for me! i'm motivated & refreshed again! i'm eager to see what path & purpose God is going to direct me to now...

so i know i'm not the only one struggling. i know i have a few friends that have met a stagnant in thier spiritual life and it's you guys that i really want to encourage. download just 2 or 3 of these podcasts & if your world isn't rocked, then i'm...well i'll be at a loss for words!

here are a few suggestions:

Free as Sons - 12/21/08
Adoption: The Heart of the Easter Story - 4/8/07
Baptism: Identification With the New Covenant - 3/22/09
Baptism: More Than Just a Symbol - 8/6/06
The Gospel & Womanhood - 5/11/08
The Gospel & Manhood - 6/15/08

You're Not Hardcore, Unless You Act Hardcore...

2009-06-17T17:27:00.007-06:00

So I realize that I totally owe a blog to my birthday, and I promise I'm getting there, but since the birthday celebrations haven't come to an end quite yet (it's still June, people!) I'm holding off on that blog. Teaser: Husband was did an AMAZING job! Lot's of surprises involved!

Now...onto being hardcore, or at least attempting it.
After a long & amazing weekend Husband & I finally made it home. Don't you worry we didn't have any plans to stay sedentary just because we were home, oh no! We had been invited by the Bro & Sis-in-law to go try out a mountain bike trail here in town! Whoo hoo! Right? Oh, yeah!

Bro & Sis-in-law were bringing their lovelies down to the In-Law Hizzy for safe keeping during their upcoming Youth Trip Vaca. Husband & I decided we'd leave our fuzzy bundle of joy, Georgia, with the pack while we rode the trail. We got this new fandangled leash for Georgia...it's a harness for the person so that if running or biking, your hands are free, but your dog is still contained, awesome, right? Decided to test out this new leash as we rode our bikes to the In-Laws (out meet up place). It was awesome, Georgia was doing great! She was loving being able to run by my side, greatness. That is until (for those of you that have seen "UP"), "Squirrel!"
Yup, that's right, Georgia took off across my bike path. Like a nanosecond after this decision she looked up at my bike barreling straight towards her and her face said it all, "SHIT! What the crap did I just do, and WHY?!?" There was no stopping; I tried, to no avail. Ran over the poor dog, flew off my bike, and yes: slid across the pavement! Don't worry, I had a helmet on & Georgia was totally ok...not even a limp! Dumb dog! So I pass the dog off to Husband and work on getting my bike to the In-Law's house. The handlebars were turned and the chain had come off so I got to walk it the rest of the way. That is after being made fun of by an eighty-two year old man who was taking his daily walk.
Here's what my hand looked like after that little spill:

Anyway, we got my bike fixed up & all our bikes loaded, and we were off! Bro & Sis-In-Law informed us their friends would be joining us. The more the merrier, right? You would think so, and we did, despite the fact that these very friends are superb Andventure Race participants. That means this chick is REALLY going to be put to shame...but this couple is super awesome & totally encouraging so off we go! Before the others got there the four of us (Bro & Sis-in-law, Husband, and I) rode a few laps on the Blue/Red Trails aka the Bunny Slopes. It was AWESOME! Not overly technical but SO pretty! Who knew this existed in the Red Stick?!? Easy breezy aside from the slight run in my bike handles had with Sis-in-law's rear end. (it was totally her fault...she took a detour off the trail & my breaks just didn't go into effect quickly enough...see her fault?)
So the Adventure Racers show up, we do the Blue/Red Trail one more time then get bold and do a Red Trail! Woot, Woot! Moving up! This trail wasn't too bad, a little more technical, but nothing major. Then it happens...Adventure Racer Husband strokes our egos telling us how awesome we're doing and encourages us to take on another branch of the Red Trail. I must say this was pretty awesome! I mean we were biking crazy curves, then uphill, then the insane (for me, the beginner) down hills!

Adrenaline pumping, we took more & more branches of the Red Trail and soon I totally knew why I should have stayed on the bunny trail! There was this one ravine that wasn't even that bad...just stay hard right. Well my wheel decided to get snatched by a rut to the left and BAM! I was flying through the air over my handle bars for the second time that day! The bad part, I was totally bringing up the rear, and the plummet knocked the breath out of me while tearing up what was remained of my left palm, scrapped up my elbow, and yes, added more bruises. But I couldn't call ahead to let anyone know I'd fallen because I couldn't BREATH. Husband was good though & circled back when he didn't see me behind him any longer. We caught up with the group (by caught up I mean the Adventure Racer Wife circled back to tell us which way to turn on the next 2 paths). Well, that's the last we saw of human life for a while...as the sun began it's decent the other guys found us, and were all, "Whew, the four of you?"...Husband and I were all, "Uh, the two of us..." So Bro-in-law told us to follow him & Adventure Racer Husband took off to find the other ladies (who somehow made it around the lake!) Obviously we all made it back to the car & we were all so stoked at the fun we had! Here are my battle wounds:

Anyway, I washed out as much gravel & dirt as I could...and I already had a doctors appointment for Tuesday so I had them take a look at my battle wounds and they removed the few pieces of gravel I hadn't, shot me up with some Tetanus anti-bodies, and wrapped me up to look like this awesomeness:

Wishes...

2009-05-21T19:26:00.017-06:00

It Sucked & Then I Cried
Amazon Barnes & Noble

Things I Learned About My Dad (in Therapy)
Amazon Barnes & Noble

Kindle

Texas de Brazil Churrascaria

Abita Dinner Series 2009 - 7 Course Meal; each course paired with an Abita brew...

Weimeraner

Corks & Canvas

Build A Bear

Toms

Rawr!

Canoe

Double Bag

Denver House ...::sigh::

desolate island...

2009-05-13T16:47:00.002-06:00

I’m tired of feigning happiness, the ephemeral attempt to let everyone know its all ok. I need room to breathe and be me. Me, without prying eyes or judging hearts. My life has quite a dark and twisted path to my past. I’ve done my best to sequester all these wretched things onto an island that I never visit. Its how I dealt, how I deal. Every now and again my life collides with this island. Usually by form of something as innocent as a message in a bottle, a screaming reminder of the things I’ve forced behind me. These bottles so crudely wrapped in barbed wire they’d slice your soul with just a glance. Yet so ornately decorated you can’t help but indulge the desire to pick them up. Thinking you’ll be ever so gentle that you won’t get injured that you won’t disturb the darkness swirling within. It never fails though…that darkness refuses to remain stagnant. In the instant you touch that bottle, that devious little reminder, it engulfs you. Drowning you in those memories, those feelings, making you gasp for breath. You know you’ll be stuck treading, head barely above water, and that’s when you wish you shared this island with someone. Not in the sense that you feel you have to awaken the island…more in the fact that you had someone who understood the grasp of the island. It is a tumultuous reminder that you will never get to be, just happy. It’s something that’s absolutely impossible to explain. Unless you have an island you will never understand the power anyone’s island holds. You will be baffled by their angst and helplessness. You’ll do everything you can to “make it better” but it doesn’t work like that. I’ve tried…I’ve invited people to experience that darkness but their lack of comprehension never fails. I’ve had a thousand attempts at understanding that only leads to frustration on both parts.
It seems the easiest way to coexist with such a past is to remove it from memory altogether. But it’s those instances when you’re treading, barely breathing that you wish it was possible to share this with the ones you love most so you wouldn’t have to pretend. That you only had to be you around everyone instead of holding the pretense of happiness for those in your life that need you to be that person. You feel it, those closest to you see it, the falter behind the mask, but how do you get around it? How do you refuse this engulfing sadness, kill it, disarm it…

Kiva.org

2009-05-09T22:02:00.004-06:00

-> Kiva <-

you should check this out. for as little as $25 dollars you can change someones life...this is awesomely cool

What's wrong with Georgia...

2009-05-06T21:43:00.005-06:00

when i picked up Georgia from the in-laws today...this is what i found:

That's right, my baby has a fat lip!

We're not really sure what happened...

is it a snake bite?

a bee sting?

do we need to rush the poor girl to the ER
or wait till her Dr appt tomorrow?
it's swollen but only slightly tender...she's
acting normally...but of course we feel so badly!

Ended up putting a call into the ER...of course
without seeing her, there's not much they could
gather...

on their advice gave her some benadryl &
have been watching her for signs
lethargic, temperamental, breathing, etc.

she's doing fine...but i'm still nervous...poor dear!

2009-05-04T20:55:00.002-06:00

these guys are hilarious! i found them thanks to THIS guy...you should really check out both these guys & THIS guy. you will laugh. alot. a whole lot.

Note to Self...

2009-05-03T15:48:00.002-06:00

try this grilled cheese sandwich:
Rosemary Focaccia Bread
Monterrey Jack Cheese
Avocado
Smoked Turkey
Applewood Smoked Bacon
Balsamic Mayonnaise

and this grilled cheese sandwich:
Pullman Loaf Bread
Goat Cheese
Brie
Green Tomatoes
Chopped Smoked Bacon

That's it, get out!

2009-04-28T16:39:00.002-06:00

i can't tell you how many times i heard that very phrase as a kid. and believe you me my mom definitley followed through! there were many a time, i was left on the side of the road, sometimes with siblings, sometimes without. granted...it was a bit scary, but it obviously didn't traumatize me. if anything it made me BELIEVE my mama meant what she said.
so today i read this story about a New York mom, Madlyn Primoff that was arrested for kicking her girls, age 10 &12 out of the car because they wouldn't stop fighting. she pulled over, put the kids out, & she and the grandmother drove around the block. when she got back, the girls were gone. (here is where our stories start to differ, MY mom would have kicked some serious tail if we'd dared to move). anyway, she finds the eldest child, but can't find the youngest (again, butt whoopin for leaving the sibling). turns out the youngest kid was "found" by a passerby that bought her icecream then waved down a cop. umm, REALLY?!?
#1. why did the kid talk to the stranger???
#2. why did the child GO ANYWHERE with the stranger??
#3. why did the stranger take the kid for ice cream? (sketch)
#4. why did the kid accept the ice cream???
i mean, really that's grounds for SO many spankings, lectures, & groundation it's ridiculous!
anyway so Madlyn calls 911 to report her (dumb) kid missing, the cops are all, oh, she's here. when she goes to pick up the kid she's tossed in jail overnight for Child Endangerment, WHAT?!?
i know, i know, a lot could happen while she drove around the block, blah, blah, blah. but speaking from experience, a lot can happen when you walk to your friends house down the street, when you spend the night at a friends house, when you go to school, when you ride the bus, the list goes ON. i give the mom (Madlyn) props for following through on her threat instead of making empty threats so that her kids grow up to be holy terrors. i'm sure many of you will disagree with me on this, and that's ok. you're entitledto your opinion. i would never do this to someone elses kid...that's not my place. but dude, my mom did it and we turned out ok. i mean obviously the place of deposit has to be taken into thought but really people, jail?

Punch Bug!

2009-04-23T17:59:00.005-06:00

(we had to pull off the road to get this one!)

Husband & I have started 2 new "Photo Op Games". One is to collect photos of license plates from all 50 states, but THIS one plays off of one of my all time favorite games: "Punch Bug!" Not to brag or anything, I'm pretty awesome at getting Punch Bugs. In all honesty I'm pretty sure the only reason Husband agreed to this Photo Op Game is because now i'm more concerned with trying to photograph a bug rather than punching him really, really, really hard ;)

Here are a few of our trophy's thus far:

(one of many failed attempts)

growing up Africa...

2009-04-21T08:00:00.009-06:00

many of you know of my love affair with Africa. i would move there no questions asked if the opportunity were to arise. i can only imagine be able to offer such an opportunity to my children. i recently discovered Tippi Degré through a friend of mine, Maddie.

i instantly fell in love! Her parents, Alain Degré and Sylvie Robert, moved from France to Southern Africa in newly independent Namibia living in the freedom of nature as wildlife photographers and film makers! y'all, seriously i would do this in a HEARTBEAT! i mean i want this life myself, living in the wild, but to be able to offer such an experience to my child? WOW!

thanks to my friend Maddie, it has become my mission in life to find this book & purchase 2 copies, one for her & one for myself (any donations would be accepted ;) ):

*Most pictures borrowed (stolen) from Maddie's blog

Tippi Degré grew up living in close contact with wild animals, including elephants, leopards and ostriches, who treated Tippi as one of their own.
The animals allowed Tippi to cuddle them, dance with them, and ride on their backs.

Tippi Degré grew up and spent ten years travelling round Africa with her parents French wildlife photographers Sylvie Robert and Alain Degré. Tippi’s mother Sylvie, 52, gave birth to Tippi in Namibia in 1990. Sylvie said, “My daughter was a very lucky little girl. She was born and raised almost completely in the wild. “It was magical to be this free in nature. It was just the three of us living wild with the animals and not too many humans. “Tippi always said that this was her gift. She was in the mindset of these animals, believing they were her size and her friends.” Tippi’s friends included a leopard called J & B, and an elephant named Abu.

Sylvie and her husband Alain Degré have compiled a book about their lives called Tippi: My Book Of Africa. Sylvie said, “She had no fear. She did not realise she was not the same size as Abu and would look into his eyes and speak to him. “Tippi was just 18 months old when they met and it was a special time. “Their friendship was incredible.”

Sylvie Degré insists that she always put Tippi’s safety first, she said, “Wild animals will either run away or attack you if they are frightened. You must always be on the watch. “Tippi was hurt only twice. First a meerkat bit her on the nose. “Then, in 1994, she was at a water hole with a baboon called Cindy.
“Cindy attacked Tippi’s hair and pulled out a handful out of jealousy. That was terribly painful.”

Sylvie, Alain, and Tippi moved to France in 2000, but the family visited Africa in 2006.
Sylvie said, “When we returned to Africa in 2006 Cindy ran up to Tippi and played with her hair, grooming her. It was quite beautiful.” Sylvie added, “My daughter will always be African. Hers is like Mowgli’s story, but Tippi’s is true.”

Tippi Degré grew up surrounded by wild animals in Africa and learned to hunt with the San bushmen of northern Namibia.

Tippi is now 18, and she is studying for a degree in cinema at the Sorbonne in Paris, France.

Great Tippi Degré stuff from Amazon

Tippi of Africa

Tippis Welt

Le Monde selon Tippi. La...

Tippi aus Afrika. Das Mä...

Tippi aus Afrika

nicest thing...

2009-04-16T17:02:00.006-06:00

All I know is that you're so nice,
You're the nicest thing I've seen.
I wish that we could give it a go,
See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favourite girl,
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile,
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out,
But you always wanna know what I was about.
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.
Basically, I wish that you loved me,
I wish that you needed me,
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three.

I wish that without me your heart would break,
Yea, I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,
Yea, I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look,
All i know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish we could see if we could be something
Yea, I wish we could see if we could be something

~kate nash "nicest thing"

i love her & i love her music...thought i'd share. you should look her up, download her, and appreciate the greatness of her music--no, really. go. now. you won't regret it.

what if i suck...

2009-04-07T23:06:00.002-06:00

so i've been honored...asked to write one of the hardest things of my life. i'm writing a reference letter for a couple that i consider some of my best friends. i've already composed 7 different drafts. i'm not happy with one of them. it's not because i'm struggling to find things to say about this couple...it's that i have too much to say. i feel like i'm not being concise enough. i'm sitting here crying because i have so many good things to say about these people. how they've been there for me every step of the way since i've moved to this place. they unknowingly stepped into an empty part of my life filling in for my friends and family that, due to distance, can't be there for me in the ways this couple can. i have learned from them. lessons i may not have wanted to learn, but they so patiently taught me anyway. i'm so excited that they are on their way to becoming parents. it's so much more emotional than i had ever thought it would be. i can't help but thinking, if i'm this excited & this emotional about my close-as-family family getting their own child, i can't even imagine the emotions that are going to ransack my mind & body when my family offers me the title of Aunt as well. y'all, seriously, i'm NOT a crier...but i've been sitting here crying for the past 1/2 hour trying to put all these good things into a concise, professional, fun letter to let others know what great hands this kid will be placed in. i think i'm a bit nervous at letting them down. i know i'm over analyzing this, i know that, but i want this to be a perfect reflection of what perfect parents i know they will be. ok, seriously, i'm wiping up the blubbering & heading to bed...'night...

Our Prayers Are With You Italy...

2009-04-06T08:07:00.011-06:00

91 dead, 1,500 injured in central Italy quake...

People walk on the street as they leave their homes after an earthquake, in downtown Aquila April 6, 2009. A powerful earthquake struck a huge swathe of central Italy as residents slept on Monday morning, killing people when houses, churches and other buildings collapsed, officials said. (REUTERS/Alessandro Bianchi )

And You Shalled Be Named...

2009-04-01T14:44:00.004-06:00

TATOR-TOT

As many of you know, my brother-in-law & sister-in-law are in the process of adopting a precious bundle of joy from Taiwan! I’m both super excited & a scoch jealous of them for this. Adoption has always been something I’ve looked forward to in the process of expanding my family one day. I’ve wanted this since I was little, way before the Brangelina-eclectic-family-craze. (Let me insert a disclaimer here: my brother/sister-in-law are NOT following a craze, they are adopting out of the purest love & a desire for a child of their own.)
So I’m super excited they get to experience the joy of adoption which is awesome & I get to live vicariously through them on this venture, which is super awesome! There’s just the most miniscule part of me that is jealous that they are at that point in their lives. I mean, by no means am I ready to actively seek the expansion of my own family, but seeing the joy on their faces makes me wish a little we were at that point ourselves—but only a little, don’t read any further into that my friends.
Back to the excitement! So the brother/sister-in-law have begun the tedious journey of the adoption application process, and boy is it a doozey! I’m not going to delve into their personals here, but anyone who knows anything about adopting knows how in depth this whole process goes. I on the other hand only have to hear about these things lending an ear here & there, etc. (sweet deal!)
But I’ve hit quite the conundrum…what are we going to call this kid until, to quote my sister-in-law, "he/she" gets here??? I’ve been racking my brains since the moment I discovered I was to be an aunt as to the perfect gender neutral name. I refused to be cliché with a “Squirt” or “Peanut” or anything of the like. In desperation, I resulted to calling "he/she" Lil’ Raney until I could dream up THE PERFECT NICKNAME for my niece/nephew-to-be. I’m sure there are those of you out there rolling your eyes right now, as if the right nickname is not a big deal. But oh, you are so wrong! The wrong nickname can ruin a kid, set them up for a life of failure, of endless teasing, oh, the horror! I cannot be responsible for the ruin-ation of Lil’ Raney. So I thought, and thought, and thought…I mean we’re going on months here that I’ve known this kid will be in my life some day and I can’t think of an affectionate yet awesome term of endearment other than Lil’ Raney?? What has become of me?
Fear not, internet! For last night I was mulling over possible names for this kid, and it hit me like a mac truck sliding on black ice down I-65 this side of Mount Eagle!
Tator-tot!
I know, I know, blank stares, right? It’s ok…you probably need a little back story here. When I was first enlightened in the situation surrounding this decision for brother/sister-in-law it was a lunch date with the Sister-In-Law. We went to Sonic…this is where I learned all about everything and couldn’t have been more blessed to be a part of, excited to help in any way possible, and eager to do my part. The point? I’m getting there. What are the 2 most amazing things on the menu at Sonic? Onion Rings & Tator Tots, duh! Well you can’t call a kid Onion Ring…what if "he/she" has some body odor issue? Then it’ll be forever reminded of this issue every time Aunt Tricia comes around, sadness, I can’t be liable for heartache caused to that dear little being! No, no, instead I opted for Tator-Tot. How cute is that?!? I mean really, it may take you awhile to warm up to it, and I’m ok with that…to be honest I didn’t even really run it by the parents before I chose "his/her name. But I love it and I plan on getting it put on as much baby stuff as I can when the time comes! Now it IS important that Tator-Tot is ALWAYS hyphenated, because otherwise people will feel the need to shorten that poor kids name to TT…and that’s just a road that leads to no good. However, if Tator-Tot remains hyphenated, the name can only be shortened to “T” which is totally cool ‘cause that’s the first letter of my own name and will, by association, make the kid that much cooler!

So little Tator-Tot wherever you may be (conceived or not) I love you so much & can’t wait until I meet you! You are blessed already with the most amazing and loving parents any kid could ever ask for. You’re going to have such a blast growing up…just wanted you to know!
~Love,

2 months, 16 days & counting...

2009-03-23T18:46:00.004-06:00

So for anyone that knows me, they know i LOVE birthdays. my birthday, your birthday, suzy-strangers birthday, it doesn't matter. granted if it happens to be my birthday it's that much better, but i'm totally non biased in whose birthday i'm celebrating. i mean really, Husband never has to worry about forgetting my birthday because in the Siclari family we start the countdown at 364. as in i have 2 months & 16 days until my 26th birthday! but don't tell my seester i'm already counting down, because under the Sibling Law i'm not allowed to count down until her birthday has passed; she only has 21 days left, & my lil' seester has 2 months & 5 days left. little seester tried to pull the Sibling Law on her birthday (that i'm not allowed to count down my birthday till after hers) but she's a YOUNGER sibling, so it didn't pass.
now, Siclari's expect thier birthday to be all about them. this doesn't mean anyone needs to spend large sums of money on them, it merely means, get creative. make the day ALL ABOUT them. anyway, i say all this to inform you, internet, that i am already planning the greatness of my birthday. i decided to write about it here because often Husband gets on & reads my blog. and this year, i want something slightly monitary...i want an icecream cake! i've never really set aside standards for my birthday celebration...and Husband has always done an INCREDIBLE job, but this year i'm really craving ice cream cake. i know, i know, my birthday is still 2 months & 16 days away, but that's what i'm craving. there are a few other things i wouldn't mind happening on that day, but icecream cake would be a swell way to start the day...just saying. :)

so you had a bad day...

2009-03-17T10:45:00.007-06:00

i've recently had a rough few weeks. days just seem to stay dreary or get progressively worse as the day goes on. as i've talked to my friends...turns out i'm not the only one with crappy after crappy week. so i decided to compile a list of video clips that never fail to bring a smile to my face...maybe they'll help you too!

1. Near Sighted
i have a short cut to this one on my desktop, it never fails to make me die laughing!

2. Evil Eye
OH. MY. GOSH. i want this kid!

3. Charlie Bit Me
makes me wish i could have british babies...

4. 3 Year Olds & Monsters
bwahahaha!

5. Blooood
this poor kid is so concerned & serious, bless his heart

6. Post Dentist
this is a recent addition to my favorites...

7. Mother's Day
priceless

8. Can I have it?
constantly quoted

9. Facebook 25
i agree with most of these

10. Hair Flip
hee hee hee, just funny

barefoot, thinmints, ahh...

2009-03-11T21:41:00.011-06:00

Worst. Day. Ever...or at least a pretty crappy day that ranks pretty high on the crappiest days list (and yes, i keep a list...)
it's actually an accumulation of the last few days really.

i'm frustrated with work.
i'm frustrated with not being fully trained, but seeing people who lied on their resume get sent to further their education.
i'm really tired of people doing NOTHING and getting away with it.
i'm tired of feeling like an idiot because of things i haven't been taught.
i'm tired of being inside ALL day.
i'm tired of wanting to just scream all the time.

i can't really get into details...i mean we've all heard stories about how blogging about work can get you into trouble. but let's just say today was a constant struggle to keep insanity at bay. i can't seem to get ahead, much less caught up. i seem to get every call that pointed out all my incompetence...and we all know how much i HATE ignorance (even more so when i'm on the ignorant end). i just couldn't catch a break...AT ALL. it was all i could do not to break down out of anger or sadness or just plain patheticness. and of course that just made things worse. turning my day into a vicious cycle of anger, fight the urge to cry, fight the urge to scream "i quit!", anger, well you get the picture. by the end of the day all i could think about was curling up with a big glass of wine & some girl scout cookies....but i had places to be, so that would have to wait.
worse yet? husband is gone until saturday...so pretty much the one person i have here in "this place" to unload on is, well, absent. suck! thank goodness i have great long distance buddies...they let me get lot's of crap out of my system before i got to my "places to be". thanks also to some new local friends worrying over my status and inviting me for, ahem, fun tomorrow night! yay!

oh, and to top off the day...i FORGOT my dog was at the in-laws, why because adam always gets her! am i a bad parent on top of a crappy person in general? geeze!
anyway, i'm chillin' writing my excerpt of the day with my wine, girl scout cookies, knowing i have the best friends ever!

The Joys of Public Radio

2009-03-06T07:37:00.007-07:00

Imagine you are on your way to work in the morning, listening to your favorite morning radio station, say Kidd Kraddick in the Morning, for instance. Say they're doing a segment on things women wear that guys can't stand...crocs, ugg's, gladiator sandals, the like. Guys are calling in complaining about various & sundry things that they can't stand. Then this one caller is put on the radio, and asked what it is he can't stand, "Kidd, I hate it when my wife wears any clothes at all." And you're all, yeah he's married to a swim suit model! Kelly, one of the radio personalities, says, "wow, that's a lucky woman, not every husband says that." Then the caller continues to talk, "...I love when my wife doesn't have clothes on..." and you pay a little more attention because you swear that voice sounds vaguely familiar. Then Kidd, asks, "Well Adam, you wouldn't want her wearing nothing in public though, huh?"Adam replies, "Oh, no! No! But once we're home I see no need for her to have clothes on at all!"Then it happens, you KNOW why you know that voice...your breath catches in your THROAT because you KNOW that voice...that voice is your husband! on public radio! that his father listens to! that your co-workers listen to!Oh! My! God!
You immediately whip out your phone crazed & start punching buttons:
Me: Adam Michael!!!!!
Adam: :-)
Adam: I made it on the radio!!! :-)
Me: Yeah...so i heard :) along with all my co-workers
Adam: Yey!! :-)
So once i get to work i immediately tell my best friend & sister-in-law my embarrassing story. With all the love & compassion she can muster she burst into uncontrollable laughter and states, "i've gotta call Jace!" So she does, and we relay the story, as we continue to laugh. many comments were made & we all had a good laugh. Once i get back downstairs to my desk i get the following:
Emily: Shelly heard him.
Me: Oh my god...
Emily: Hehe
Adam: My dad just called and said he got a text from Jace, to call me and ask about Kidd Kraddick. :-)
Me: What did you tell him?
Adam: What i said. :-) he laughed and said he can't believe he missed it. :-)

I get this email from one of my co-workers:
Your husband doesn’t like for you to wear clothes????? He he he he...kinky

I heard it on the radio. I didn’t know it was Adam, but Emily told me.
That’s so awesome. Emily said that he was so excited to be on the radio. I would be too!!!

that, internet, is what you get when you finally get your husband to let loose. he let's loose all right, all over public radio!

If you have the patience, listen here: Zine Scene Fashion Tips Pt 1 03/06/09 it's toward the end...but it's there.

My Band Album...

2009-02-22T14:47:00.004-07:00

THIS. was fun!

Create Your Band Name & Album Cover:

1 - Go to Wikipedia. Hit “random”
or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Quotations Page and select "random quotations"
or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four or five words of the very last quote on the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to Flickr and click on “explore the last seven days”
or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days
Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - Use Photoshop or similar to put it all together.

5 - Post it and TAG the friends you want to join in.

If You Spend More Than Five Minutes, You're Doing It Wrong! :)

i've had it...

2009-02-20T14:26:00.003-07:00

i recently recieved an email forward that daringly compares President Obama to Hitler. i am so fed up with ignorant, factless, e-mail forwards that i replied. below you will see my response & if you care enough to read the original it will be at the bottom:

Dear ____,
While I appreciate your check up emails & getting prayer requests via e-mail, I have never really been a fan of forwards. I find that they tend to be poorly researched, severely biased, and are often offensive materials that cannot be backed up if/when questioned. I usually politely delete such e-mail with little to no thought, just a little frustration at the amount of junk mail I acquire that way. Please don’t get me wrong, I more than welcome class updates, prayer requests, etc, but if we could limit the amount of forwards I would appreciate it. However, the most recent forward you sent to my inbox was highly offensive, and I feel the need to both speak against it and politely ask that I be taken off the forward list.

The opening alone, “IS THE TRUTH OF WORLD HISTORY,” is very true; fluctuation of economic highs and lows are very much world history. Even Roosevelt was forced to deal with this when he was elected in ‘32 and re-elected in ’36. As a people, we have failed to learn financial lessons. How does pointing that out make a president so hated that people would compare him to a hateful, racist, bigot as Hitler?

Our current Financial Crisis is the result of poor investments, business practices, and an overall neglect of living with in our means. While Obama has found fault with many of our bankers, Hitler was blaming Zionists around the world. Obama, along with many others, agrees that not only is it OUR bankers, but ignorance as a people as well. This is true; we are a nation that has lost focus on the fact that our money has a limit. We’ve overstretched our budgets, & now we’re suffering for it. Hitler’s plan of attack was to cleanse the world. I’ve yet to hear even the slightest of such thoughts from Obama. As Christians, I feel it is imperative that we be sure of our words before they are spoken - even more so when it comes to a leader of our country. There are countless examples throughout the Bible of discourse between countrymen & kings/rulers. Through each of these situations, God’s people did not speak out with false attacks on the leader’s character. Instead they lived out Christ’s love and will, resulting in God’s glory. So how do we, as Christians, claim the love of Christ while attacking a man entrusted to run our country? When Daniel disagreed with his King’s stifling of his religious rights, he continued to respect his friend, the king as that - his king. He followed his rules as best he could without turning his back on God. Daniel continued to pray to God, and even when that got him in trouble with the law, not the first vile word towards the king was spoken. Look how God worked that one out.

This e-mail claims, “Hitler was elected to power by only 1/3 the popular vote” now, to be honest I don’t know what the numbers where when Hitler was elected to power, but I do know that Obama was elected by much more than 1/3 of the popular vote. And while change may be a parallel claim, they were on VERY different terms. Hitler’s sole purpose was an “ethnic cleansing.” I have yet to hear any verbiage from Obama that comes close to expressing the intent of wiping out an entire ethnic group.

As far as being a supreme leader, this is the United States of America, there are checks and balances in effect. There is absolutely no way Obama (or any other president) is allowed to expel anyone from the senate or the house on impulse. There are steps and legalities in place to prevent this. What indication is given that Obama has even attempted this course of action whether in theory or actuality?

The paragraph that reads, “I trembled last night when I heard the voices of American children raised in song, praising the name of Obama, the charismatic fellow who claims he is the American Messiah,” is yet another untruth. When did Obama proclaim himself Messiah? There are those that may believe such, but this is not from Obama’s own doing. There are many that look up to Obama, but there were many that looked up to Bush as well; does this mean any time we have a leader we look up to we should be afraid they will turn into Hitler?

Interestingly enough, the author of this email states, “Yet with my last breaths I warn every Christian and Jew now in the name of the Lord, unless your course of the church in America is spiritually changed now, returning to the Lord, there are new horrors yet to come.” This, this is a biblical truth. It has nothing to do with who is or is not president. For God chose multiple times in the Bible to let His people be overtaken, to suffer, just to bring them back to Him. By no means does this prove that Obama is following in Hitler’s footsteps.

As far as abortion, that is a whole separate set of issues to discuss in the rights and wrongs of such action. But abortion is not comparable to a genocide. Hitler’s killings were well planned killings to wipe out an entire ethnicity.

It is true that churches are not allowed to preach political agendas from the pulpit IF they want to keep their tax exempt status. Contrary to the author’s words, “American law forbids this freedom of speech to conservative pastors or they will lose their ‘tax exempt’ status” this law is not focused singularly on Christians or even conservative pastors. In all honesty, if the church decided preaching a political agenda was more important than the money saved by being tax exempt, they could preach whatever they pleased from the pulpit, as could any other tax exempt organization for that matter.

I was particularly bothered by the snippet of a quote the author uses when “quoting” Obama here:
”I have heard the words of Obama damning and mocking all of you in small towns because you ‘Cling to your religion.’” I would suggest that we take a look at this quote in its entirety. I think we well know the danger of taking words out of context. Obama spoke to more than just a religious stereotype. He spoke to unity - not a racial or religious cleansing. Not to mention the fact that no one should cling to “religion” per se, but instead we cling to Christ himself. Religion is nothing without Christ.

The Original:
PLEASE READ THIS LETTER. BE PREPARED. THIS IS THE TRUTH OF WORLD HISTORY. IT
IS NOT FICTION. IT IS REAL. AND IT IS KNOCKING AT AMERICA'S DOOR. MAY GOD
BLESS THE PERSON WHO WROTE THESE TRUTHS AND MAY GOD FORGIVE US ALL.

Subject:From an elderly German lady ... A German Lady Remembers and Speaks

Dear Believer,

Your nation, your country, your culture and future are all in turmoil no
matter where you are right now reading this. We cannot as Christians take a
passive fatalistic approach to all that is occurring. We need to cry out, warn,
pray until our throats ache, and get the focus off of our small little selves.

Please read the message from a wise elder saint who has chosen to be a
voice... ...regardless of the what it has cost her.

In His Shadow, Mary Lindow ... A German Lady Remembers and Speaks

Lori Kalner

In Germany, when Hitler came to power, it was a time of terrible financial
depression. Money was worth nothing. In Germany people lost homes and jobs,
just like in the American Depression in the 1930s, which we have read about in
Thoene's Shiloh books. In those days, in my homeland, Adolph Hitler was
elected to power by promising "Change."

He blamed the "Zionists" around the world for all our problems. He told
everyone it was greedy Zionist Bankers who had caused every problem we had. He
promised when he was leader, the greedy Zionist bankers would be punished. The
Zionists, he promised, would be wiped off the face of the earth. So Hitler
was elected to power by only 1/3 the popular vote.

A coalition of other political parties in parliament made him supreme
leader. Then, when he was leader, he disgraced and expelled everyone in parliament
who did not go along with him.

Yes. Change came to my homeland as the new leader promised it would. The
teachers in German schools began to teach the children to sing songs in praise
of Hitler.

This was the beginning of the Hitler Youth movement. It began with praise of
the Fuhrer's programs on the lips of innocent children.
Hymns in praise of Hitler and his programs were being sung in the
schoolrooms and in the playyard.

Little girls and boys joined hands and sang these songs as they walked home
from school.

My brother came home and told Papa what was happening at school. The
political hymns of children proclaimed Change was coming to our homeland and the
Fuhrer was a leader we could trust.

I will never forget my father's face. Grief and fear. He knew that the best
propaganda of the Nazis was song on the lips of little children.

That evening before he said grace at the dinner table, he placed his hands
upon the heads of my brothers and me and prayed the Living Word upon us from
Jeremiah 1:4-5.

'Now the Word of the Lord came to me, saying, "Before I formed you in the
womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you;
I appointed you a prophet to The nations."

Soon the children's songs praising the Fuhrer were heard everywhere on the
streets and over the radio. "With our Fuhrer to lead us, we can do it! We can
change the world!"

Soon after that Papa, a pastor, was turned away from visiting elderly
parishioners in hospitals. The people he had come to bring comfort of God's Word,
were "no longer there." Where had they vanished to while under nationalized
health care? It became an open secret.

The elderly and sick began to disappear from hospitals feet first as "mercy
killing" became the policy.

Children with disabilities and those who had Down syndrome were euthanized.

People whispered, "Maybe it is better for them now. Put them out of misery.
They are no longer suffering.And, of course, their death is better for the
treasury of our nation. Our taxes no longer must be spent to care for such a
burden." And so murder was called mercy.

The government took over private business. Industry and health care were
"nationalized." (NA-ZI means National Socialist Party) The businesses of all
Jews were seized. (Perhaps you remember our story in Berlin on Krystalnacht in
the book Munich Signature)

The world and God's word were turned upside down. Hitler promised the people
economic Change? Not change. It was, rather, Lucifer's very ancient Delusion
leading to Destruction.

What began with the propaganda of children singing a catchy tune ended in
the deaths of millions of children. The reality of what came upon us is so
horrible that you in this present generation cannot imagine it. Our suffering is
too great to ever tell in a book or show in a black and white newsreel.

When I spoke to Bodie about some of these things, she wept and said she
could not bear to write them.

Perhaps one day she will, but I asked her, "who could bear to read our
suffering?" Yet with my last breaths I warn every Christian and Jew now in the
name of the Lord, Unless your course of the church in America is spiritually
changed now, returning to the Lord, there are new horrors yet to come.

I trembled last night when I heard the voices of American children raised in
song, praising the name of Obama, the charismatic fellow who claims he is
the American Messiah. Yet I have heard what this man Obama says about abortion
and the "mercy killing" of tiny babies who are not wanted.

There are so few of us left to warn you.

I have heard that there are 69 million Catholics in America and 70 million
Evangelical Christians.

Where are your voices? Where is your outrage? Where is passion and your vot
e? Do you vote based on an abortionist's empty promises and economics? Or do
you vote according to the Bible?

Thus says the Lord about every living child still in the womb.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I
consecrated you."

I have experienced the signs of the politics of Death in my youth. I see
them again now. Christians! Unless you stand up now, you will lose your freedom
of religion.

In America priests and preachers have already lost their freedom to speak
openly from their pulpits of moral danger in political candidates.

They cannot legally instruct you of which candidate holds fast to the
precepts of scripture! American law forbids this freedom of speech to conservative
pastors or they will lose their "tax exempt" status. And yet I have heard the
words of Obama's pastor Damning America!
I have heard the words of Obama damning and mocking all of you in small
towns because you "Cling to your religion."

But I am a woman whose name is unknown. My life is recorded as a work of
fiction. I have no fear of reprisal when I speak truth to you from the pages of
a book. I am an old woman and will soon go to be with my Lord. I have no fear
for myself, but for all of you and for your children, I tremble. I tremble
at the hymns to a political leaders which your children will sing at school.
(Though even now a hymn or a prayer to God and our Lord Jesus is against the
law in public school!) I pray you will personally heed this warning for the
sake of your children and your grandchildren. Do not be deceived.

The Lord in Jeremiah 1:7-8 commands every believer to speak up!

"Do not say, 'I am only a youth,' for to all whom I send you, you shall go,
and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them for I
am with you, declares the Lord!"

I am in Prayer for you, and for the Church! Spoken to you in the authority
of Jesus the Christ, the Name Above All Names,
Lori Kalner

texting mom...

2009-02-16T20:20:00.003-07:00

so my mother & father, not two of the most technological savvy individuals in the world got new phones today. my mom called me to ask my opinion on the envy or the nav. and i was all, uh, mom, those are like, i wanna be a text blogger mojo phones, you SURE that's what you want? while my parents aren't tech pro quo, they like to look it. so my mom's biggest concern was that her phone would be photo capable. the woman that has sent one text message in her whole life, wants to be a pix-ter. so around 7:01 the following occurs:

Jade: (7:01) hey guess what mommas trying to figure out how to txt u guys...im def sitting beside her laughing as i txt this

Jade: (7:03) ok maybe not..i'm not sure if they hooked her up yet...but it was still funny watching her trying to find letters

Me: (7:04) lol! niiiice

Me: (7:04) Hey Lady!

Jade: (7:05) yeah it was hilarious...and she was just laughing which made it harder for her to txt

Me: (7:05) ha ha ha! i can SO see it!

Mama: (8:11) i did it. i finally got txt. and was talking to jade too!

Me: (8:12) lol! good for you!

Jade: (8:13) shes so proud of herself

Me: (8:13) i bet...hee hee hee

Mama: (8:14) thanks. mom will get there

Me: (8:14) :) so cute!

Me: (8:15) Picture of me & megs in nashville from october

Jade: (8:17) r u w/ meg in nashville? i'm jealous

Me: lol...no that's from months ago :)

Mama: (8:17) she is asking faster than me.

Me: (8:18) lol...you'll learn!

Jade: (8:18) oh..i was gonna b mad

Me: (8:18) :) like you'd come hang with us ;)

Jade: (8:19) u know i wouldn't :) j/k i want to i do!

Me: (8:20) so i sent mom the pic of you and i in nashville...she and jade were like, you're in nashville?! except mom was mad jade was texting her questions faster! Bwahaha!

Me: (8:20) That went to the wrong sister :)

Jade: (8:20) hahah! u totally sent that to me

Jade: (8:21) sure did..but its funny

Me: (8:21) so i sent mom the pic of you and i in nashville...she and jade were like, you're in nashville?! except mom was mad jade was texting her questions faster! Bwahaha!-then i sent this to jade instead of you...geeze

Me: (8:22) :) i can't keep up with the two of you! ;)

Megan: (8:22) Lmao - this is fab!

Me: (8:23) dude...*i* can't keep up with them! :)

Jade: (8:22) ur a mess...she laughed..she prolly feels the same way ;)

Me: (8:40) Sent at pic & Audio

Mama calls: Did you just call?

Me: Nope, just sent a message.

Mama: oh, crap i must not have gotten it, send it again. click.

Me: (8:57) Pic & Audio again

Mama: (9:00) i got it thanks. i even put the pic of you an meg as my wallpaper

Me: (9:01) Yay! Look at you being all tech savvy...but can you put it up as call id? :)

Mama: (9:04) what is that? is that on the front of the phone? if so yes.

Me: (9:07) it means it would show up when i call...or if you set it as megan's call id it would show up when she calls :)

Mama: (9:15) no i haven't done that yet. that will be for later. time to get ready for work now.

Me: (9:16) Toodles!